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October 31st, clouds lightly visible in the dark essences of the sky. The moon laminated from the peak of a few small hills from my view. Halloween night. Fall was brisk, but not as bad as it would get in winter. My “costume” consisted of a long tee, a studded, leather belt, and stockings. To top it off I had my Nike Dunks on. I found myself very colorful. I wasn’t in the mood for a childish outfit, like my friends. To be honest, I wasn’t in the spirit of the holiday itself. That’s neither here nor there though.  Several hundred children crowded my streets. Well, what I call my streets. Running, unprotected from what might lay in the shadows of this cul-de-sac. The stupidity radiated off of them. The worse thing though; I was walking with the stupidest group.
“Hey, how about that house?” One of my more preppy friends pointed out, with a smile that consumed half of her face.
The rest of her crew awed at the size of the house. “I bet it has a lot of candy.” One said, dressed up like an oversized joker of some sort.
As I slipped away silently, then shouted, “You guys hit that one without me. How about that?” It was visible, the sarcasm in my voice. Out of view, my facial expression proved it, but they were too far away to make sense of it. I decided to walk to the playground adorn on top of the hill. I walked unhurriedly, chewing on the Kit-Kat I received at an earlier house. My plastic Safeway bag was dragging on the ground slowly. I wasn’t aware of the numerous amounts of candy I was losing. Nor did I care. As I arrived on the top of the hill, a shadowy figure moves to my left toward the two adult-sized swings. Throwing the wrapper to the ground, I started mumbling to myself; looking over the group of people I call my friends, “Look at those idiots. There bubbly costumes. It annoys me.”
Sitting on the slide, the figure laughed. I could see the outline of his torso. It was a male. He was lower on the hill than me, still in view, his features were still unclear. Hair length was to be differentiated but “There nowhere close to the realistic things. Is that your friend down there, dressed up like a vampire-being?”
I looked around, confused and slightly scared, but not showing it. He walked up the hill, his pace was faster and his breathe was visible even in the warm fall air. I yelled, “Yeah! There is no reality in it though!” I realized I was looking ridiculous, yelling to the sky. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me.
He was at the edge of the hill now, still walking, “You’d be surprised.”
I was starting to get a little aggravated, “But what are you talking about, reality?! It’s a vampire. Dumb...” I said, I purposely did not repeat the words in my head. I was eventually swinging up and down on the swing set trying to see who it was. Straining my eyesight for someone who would eventually affect my life every day.

                The shadow moved faster than a normal human being and was sitting on top of the slide when I noticed it.
“Crap! Where did you come from?” Practically falling off the swing, I exclaimed.
“Hehe. Be astonished, I said.” He slid down the slide and looked me up and down. “Why aren’t you with them?” Raising his lip, pointing directly over to my friends without looking. I could see his teeth. All perfectly aligned, everyone was glowing, sparkling even, and perfect order. Except one. It was mirrored on the bottom as well. I looked closely. From my view, its odd looks were… fangs.
“I don’t really agree with the whole, Halloween, dress-up-scene. You?”
“I find I insulting.” He said crossing his arms, pouting. “People depicting what a real vampire looks like. Sickening.”
“Hm. You seem to be a science-fantasy nerd.” I lowered my head, “shame.”
His face was starting to become incandescent now, his final beauty started to show. First I saw his eyes. Light brown, close to the point of a yellowish glow. Somewhat like a feline might have. Then his hair, it was long, but behind his ear. Black, sheen was on top of it even as he moved up and down. His face was just near the moon so I could successfully pick out the rest of his facial expressions without straining. This time his facial expression was ominous and unfamiliar. He slouched back on the slide and crossed his legs mindlessly. He pulled his arms back and smiled. He was wearing black, tight jeans, dark boots and a tight black shirt. He didn’t seem like the awkward type. He heard something that I couldn’t hear. In response to it he let out a low growl. He looked up and stopped what he was doing. He was still, an eerie and portentous stillness. He fixed his hair, and puckered his lips. Eyes closed and smiling, breathing in the fall air, he stood up. “I must bid you a due.” He walked past me. Hands in pocket and didn’t stop to turn around. His tone of voice was more melancholy than before. His head was crouched down as he left the hillside, vanishing into the hordes of people rushing to their houses as the Halloween affairs ended. I tried to follow him vigilantly, mirroring his steps not to lose him. But his pace quickened as he maneuvered around everybody. He was gone. I stared for a minute into the obscurity, hoping I would see his eyes once more, but I never did; until school the next day.

I woke up late! I was annoyed with myself as I quickly put on my attire and grabbed my book to catch the city bus. ‘Ugh. The teacher is going to kill me’ I thought to myself. I was running as fast as I could to the nearest street corner. The bus only stopped 3 times before school, slowly doing the math in my head, I had calculated that the bus would arrive to school in approximately 20 minutes. ‘Stop doing that,’ my inner self had told me, but I had no time for stereotypes at the moment. As I waited for the last stop before school, I saw an African American male arrive on the bus, about my age but hair around his chin and a light shade on his upper lip forming somewhat or a beard mustache combo. His darker skin was flawless and his eyes were and amazing shade of hazel, close to yellow but had some signs of brown. He was wearing a Negro league baseball cap, Varsity Jacket that said ‘#35’ on it, grey sweats and converse high tops. He was listening to loud music that seemed like garbage, rapping and rhyming about sex and drugs, but I am in no position to judge him. He sat at the end of bus, glancing at me several times then concentrating on the floor. Something in my senses radiated of him that told me to pay attention. When the bus had came to my school stop he looked up out the window and leap up. I was too busy focusing on him to realize that it was also my stop. I solemnly stood up and walked out behind him, he disappeared in the crowd of people. I had a thought of the boy I met yesterday, disappearing mysteriously like that.

 

I scampered down the hall, head down trying to avoid any teachers happening to peer out their class room at me and just might want to stop my early lunch break. Then ‘he’ hit me, more or less, I hit him but the conclusion is just the same. Dropping my possessions including a binder and a Stephine Meyer novel, I managed to look up towards the face of my rain cloud. I was suspecting a teacher; instead I got ‘him’, the blue-eyed black head, which made me smile horrifically. He was also smiling, an attentive, sympathetic smile, none the less. His eyes, a clear blue, one hidden away behind raven highlighted hair. I looked him up and down, peering at his clothing. Upon returning to his face, he lowered his head, wanting me to look down, by thus doing so; I came to realizing that he was gently nudging me with my binder tip. My ribcage wasn’t in pain since he wasn’t intending it, the only pain I felt was in my chest, knowing that his eyes were piercing threw me. I took the binder then pushed him aside and walked faster than then I had came, thinking to myself and then said, ‘Stephine,’ turning around towards him. I had caught him. He had seemed to take a liking to my book, analyzing every page with such intensity that it forced him to actually replace his hair with a noticeable eye. ‘His eyes’ I thought, ‘yellow?’ remembering Halloween night, and then the boy at the bus stop. Gathering my thoughts, I slowly approached him, extending my arm to grab it, but soon as I was about to get it, his face went blank. Instead of a book, his hand was in mine! He spun me around towards his body. Gripping my waist with his arm and with what seemed like one heartbeat step, him and I moved as one to the wall. As his back hit it with an impact, hundreds of students rampaged through the halls yelling at teachers or gawking at gossip. He released his grip and gave me a smile. Handing my book to me, our hands collided. He quickly withdrew his hand and walked away upset out of the blue, pushing several people into the locker on his way out. Wandering out of the classroom was the earlier boy I saw on the bus, looking at me. He raised his lip in a disgusted look and then walked away following the same direction the other boy walked. I was in shock and continued to my lunch period.

“Who is that by the way?” I asked my friend next to me, pointing at several students walking in. She looked up befuddle at who I was talking about in the crowded lunchroom.
                Digesting several large amounts of food with a soda, she finally said, “Him? That’s Evans. He’s absolutely dazzling. He never talks much except to his other friend in the lunch-line,” She swung her finger around carelessly to the boy on the bus I saw previously, “He is Demetri.” Our eyes followed them towards their table; radiating off of him was a negative, hostile look. We blinked and rapidly, our friend, Evans, was gone. Demetri was seen, if you call it that, leaving the lunchroom also.
                “Yeah,” I was out of the conversation, but still listening, “When did you see them?” I rapidly turned around; my face was in an astounded manner due to the fact that I have never met them before.
               “Umm,” She was looking into the air snapping her fingers reputedly, “Oh yes, and the hills by the Henson’s manor. Last night, trick-or-treating, remember? You ditched us.” Her face was a sarcastic look.
               “Huh.” I said, ignoring her last statement and continued to gape at the door.

Author's Note

Grammar problems, dialogue and character description. Construtive please.

Reviews

[~D.A. Phoenix~]

I'm not sure if the highlighted words are on purpose but it kind of made me feel like you wrote this for a class and not just for the joy of writing. I think it would flow better to use simpler words. Simple words can paint a big picture and some people won't read a book they need a dictionary to follow.

I don't think I even know our main character's name but that's neither here nor there. I agree with Alex, it does sound a lot like Twilight. While I love the series to death, I would reccomend that you stray away from that storyline. It's been done, but that's just my opinion. Dialogue takes practice so don't worry about that at all. As you get into the story it will flow better.

I love good character description so I am looking for more than what's here but it's no problem. Everyone's writing style is different and characters develop at their own pace. My reccomendation for you is to write this story for your own enjoyment.

Now I bid you adieu
~DA Phoenix~

[Coco Dixon]

Edit - Sunday, March 29, 2009 - Kill Twilight Theme, the part after the lunch period needs out. That should clear it up to a point of no Twilight.

[LostinKristina]

one word.
amazing.

[Alex]

It sounds an awful lot like Twilight to me. I liked the first half of this chapter, then it started to sound unoriginal. Maybe future development will make it stray from the Twilight theme, but I personally have little interest in pursuing the read.