I am down to one knee Feeling my sweat all over me My lungs are a flame My Muscles are begging to give out I stare down at the ground At my reflection in a sweat puddle I see the strain on my face I see my nostrils flare Drawing in precious air I have never been this tired I trained so hard to prepare I look ahead and see you lying there You told me you wouldn't fight fare You told me my life is what you do not care Bringing the pain is what you said you would do I never thought that could be true So here we are you on your back Me on my knee I'm glad its over You surly would have killed me To my surprise I see you rise Now I can see the devil in your eyes I cannot lose You must not defeat me I grit my teeth I pull from deep down inside of me I rise I stand tall with my resolve I will never fall again I will only rise To win it all
This is something I thought of given my situation. Everyone is battling in this world against a seemingly unbeatable foe. But we all must Rise and meet the challenge, because he won't stop till we are all dead.
My Review
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This was great... I love the metaphor. There were some misspellings, mostly with homonyms, but otherwise this was quite good. Another thing I would change- the rhyming of four lines in a row ending with the sound "are" was distracting. Very good job overall.
i like this poem. The feel to rise and never quit is strong in your words. I like the purpose in this poem. We can't give in and must rise to fight another day. A outstanding poem.
Coyote
A great tribute to fighting for something better for ourselvs and our family. A couple of fixes..
line 13 is "fare" supposed to be "fair"?
line fourteen does not flow, need to chop that a bit, its the only one in the whole thing that is a little awkward "you said for my life you do not care" or something "what you do not care" just doesn't work in my opinion.
Line 20..."surly" should be "surely" I think.
Wouldn't take the time to point those out if it wasn't an exceptional write. I love your in your face style of writing from a root cause that is real life. You seem to be a real common sense style thinker and can break things down to the lowest common denominator quickly and with punch. Nice job.
What I liked was the presentation, the choice of picture and the matching of red letters matches the rage of the fight going on. Though not really understanding the context of its point. I think you felt that and in Authors note the need to explain, what you didn't discover in the poem the wording in phrase, that determined it.
I had the impression of two young men at that age were fighting is necessary to prove your tough. If it is a contest to fight for whats right or justice. Not lay down and let some injustice happen. Then I could see that. Or a boxer and that is what he must do rise and fight to the finish. There can be a set up to that.
I'm fighting for my kid in a situation that is life threatening. Well that last line says To win it all! I ask for what? Honour manhood, sport. I was in Martial Arts when I was younger and learned the Art of self defence, that determination to rise and defend myself or others that needed saved or protected. It was a very good poem. I can't score it really high as I felt it was a little short on the why.
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Romon in Review 19/06/10. 4:00am Quesnel BC Canada. Writ On / Right On! Ro...
Lots of power, truth and strenght here. I could really feel the fight and the struggle to keep going. Well written. The reader could apply to specific situations in their own lives. I think that makes for a good write... being able to relate and feel the piece.
I'm an inspiring writer that has a million and ten thoughts running through his head all day. I joined this site because my wife inspired me to. I was not prepared for the thoughts to jump out so much.. more..