Hello fear, sorry but I can’t hang around with you and your crew anymore.

This piece is a monologue I came up with that personified some of my battles with fear, low mood, and my battles with my physical ailments: Sickle cell anaemia, Endometriosis and Osteonecrosis.

There’s an idea hovering near me. Right now. As in, right now, right this minute.
I can hear it, fluttering nearby and whispering my name, the vibrations in the air pulling me towards it, the song it’s singing lulling me, like a symphony. It wants to put me in a trance, and I want to let it.
I can just about hear it, just about.
But I can’t see it.
I can’t see it, because so many things are standing right in front of it, blocking it’s view of me, and mine of it.
Dependency is in my face. She’s rude, and she’s being unfair. She doesn’t want me to look at anything else but her, she doesn’t want me to care about anything else but her, she wants to be the only thing I care about. She dares me to try and deal with her, to send her away, she taunts me to the point of anger and tears. She knows, that even if I manage to push her away, that by 10pm that night I’ll go looking for her again and ask her to stay with me.
Fear has always been here. He’s not mean, or cruel, or vicious. In truth, I’m sure fear and I can co-exist. And if I asked him to move out of the way he would. The problem with fear is that he’s needy. Needy baby, greedy baby. Fear has his hand up all the time, wanting me to pay attention to him, and listen to him above everyone else. Fear convinces me that ideas are a waste of time, ideas are for the bold and the brilliant. Fear asks that I keep it simple.
Then there’s negativity. Negativity made herself visible truly when I was 19 years old. She is strong, unmoving and unwilling. I can’t push her out of the way just like that, I have to convince her that her standing to the side is in her best interest; that is the only way she will move. Negativity and fear have a love hate relationship, and when they argue they always get me involved, right in the middle of them both. Negativity believes, there is no point in anything because nothing really matters. She states there is no point listening to ideas, learning their song, because nothing will come of it except me getting hurt. Negativity can be quite convincing.
Pain is here too. I refuse to be friends with him. I don’t want him here. I remember when I was told that he would be a part of my life forever, that he’s practically one of the family. I cried for a while after this, and he taunted me as I cried. Pain doesn’t care about anything but making sure I don’t do anything without him there. He’s started to come around more often, popping his head around when I come out of the shower, leaning on me when I try and do chores, making sure as hell I don’t forget that he’s there. We don’t like each other, and I know I have to learn to be okay with him because he’ll be here forever. I know we need to call a truce, but I just don’t want to.
So, they block my view of the idea. They keep me away from it, and it away from me. They drove away inspiration, contentment and discipline a good while ago. I know they’re trying to come back, but fear, dependency, pain and negativity won’t allow them. Especially negativity, she doesn’t want anyone to have her spot. I worry she may be making extra room for weakness as well.
This idea that flutters nearby, calling me towards it, daring me to be brave, I think it is beautiful, and like a butterfly with the grace that it is using to try and meet me. But thanks to dependency, fear, pain and negativity; this beautiful butterfly instead looks like a mosquito that needs to be squashed.
- U w a / C h r i s R o s e -
x o x o

Author's Note

This monologue personifies my health issues, both physical and mental, and how they have affected my life and self esteem in the past. When I originally wrote it, sickle cell and depression that led to dependence were the only demons I was dealing with. Osteonecrosis and Endometriosis I was diagnosed with in 2020, plus I’ve had Covid-19 twice. All of this made me become anxious and fearful, but there were only two choices: to fight it all, or to die.
Anyone reviewing this please feel free to leave feedback, as long as it’s written in love and with respect then I welcome your feedback. We’re in this together, so let’s help each other along :) It’s a narrative poem as well as a lyricist one. I hope you enjoyed it x o x o