Vampire Kisses -Chapter 1-

here's my very first chapter, I hope you enjoy itt . :)

I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes as I stepped out of the comforting darkness of my grandmothers silver Volvo. It was a sunny Monday morning and students crowded around the school parking lot, most of them suffering from hangovers. It was kind of sad, most of us were well under the legal drinking age, but in a small town like this no one cared.

 

“Aria!” a voice shrieked from behind me. I turned around to look at my best friend. A short red haired girl name Schuler. She flicked a lock of hair over her shoulder and smiled at me.

 

I’m Aria. Aria August Lynn Fields. I know a pretty long name right? Well August is my middle name. Lynn, my parent’s last name and Fields was the name I acquired from my grandmother when I moved in with her eight years ago after my parents mysterious disappearance. I didn’t remember much about them but I hated to think of them.

 

I pushed the thought from my head and turned my attention back to Schuler who was busy examining her perfectly manicured nails.

 

“So, where were you last night Schuler asked, looking up at me concerned “You missed an amazing party, we all got wasted” I sighed, that explained the hung-over students moping around the parking lot.

 

“You know I don’t party” I stated. Schuler gave me a disappointed look. My grandmother had forbid me from partying after I had stayed out until 5am one night. I had only drunk one beer but as soon as she smelled the alcohol on me she accused me of being drunk. Ever since then I had a strict curfew of 10:00.

 

Suddenly the bell rang, echoing through the parking lot. Groggily, students began making their way to first period classes.

 

“Come on” Schuler cooed happily, linking her arm through mine. We made our way to first period social studies and sat side by side at the back of the classroom.

 

“Okay everyone” a balding man started as he walked into the room and set his briefcase on the front desk. “Today we will be learning about world war one” he began his lecture. I buried my face in my arms and braced for an entire hour of torture.

 

 

The school day dragged on until finally the bell rang signaling the end of last period. “Finally” I murmured under my breath. Standing up from my desk I packed my books into my bag and slinging it over my shoulder I made my way through the school. The parking lot was filled with laughing students and annoyed teachers trying to drive through the crowds.

 

I pushed through the people onto the side walk and began walking briskly towards my house. Eventually the voices of noisy students drowned into the background and soon enough the only noise that could be heard were my little red heels clicking along the sidewalk.

 

I looked up at the sky. The sun was already beginning to set overhead, one of the many things I hated about the fall was the sunless evenings. I huffed and continued walking. It was a long ways to my house, but I didn’t mind the exercise.

 

I began humming softly to myself when suddenly I felt a bit sick to my stomach, like something was wrong. I stopped walking for a minute and looked around, nothing seemed out of place, but I couldn’t help the feeling of being watched.

 

I took in a deep breath and continued walking. I hugged my arms to my chest and kept my eyes on the ground. As I picked up speed the feeling of being watched got closer and closer until finally I broke out into a sprint. I ran a little farther down the street before I turned into a dark ally, away from the main roads.

 

“Always running, you mortals are all so pathetic” A deep voice came from behind me. Freezing in my tracks I skidded to a stop and looked around frantically.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry” the voice came again “Did that offend you?”

 

Suddenly a boy stepped out in front of me from behind the shadows of the buildings. He stood only a few feet away. My mouth dropped open and my bag slumped off my shoulder onto the cement. He looked young, not older the nineteen and stood only a few inched taller then myself.

 

“Who….who are you” I stuttered.

 

The boy chuckled darkly as he brushed the sandy blond hair from his face to revel blood red eyes that twinkled dangerously in the dim light. I gasped and tried to call out for help but the words stuck to my mouth like glue.

 

“The questions are always the same” The stranger said, stepping foreword until he was standing close enough for me to feel his breath on my neck. “ ‘Who are you?’ ‘what do you want from me?’ or my personal favorite ‘what are you going to do to me?” the man laughed viciously, revealing a set of gleaming white teeth.

 

I breathed in deeply and braced myself to make a break for it but the man grabbed my arm tightly and held me securely in place. “you’re a pretty one” he whispered to himself as he moved a strand of blond hair from my face. He tucked it behind my ear and stared into my eyes. I shuddered angrily.

 

“Go to hell” I hissed, spitting on his face. The stranger’s lips curved into a slight smile as he wiped his face with the back of his sleeve.

 

“Feisty, I like it” He lowered his mouth to my neck and ran his lips across my bare skin. I gasped and tried to flinch away but the man still held me tightly. “Maybe I won’t kill you yet, but just so no one else gets to you first…”

 

Suddenly two fangs began to emerge from his upper teeth and in one swift movement he sunk them deep into my neck. Pain immediately filled my body but I was too stunned to speak and only stood there helplessly. After a moment the vampire fangs withdrew but the horrible pain did not.

 

“See you soon….Aria”

Reviews

[Kes]

Nice. The spelling and punctuation mistakes mean little when there's such a good plot-line going.
“The questions are always the same ‘Who are you?’ ‘what do you want from me?’ or my personal favorite ‘what are you going to do to me?”
I'm definite i've read that before. It's gotta be... well it sounds like something out of one of the Twilight books, but it might be Vampire Diaries - I don't know. I get them all so mixed up! Was it in the 'The short second life of Bree Tanner' ?
Anyway, who cares where i've heard that before - it's still one of my all time faviuorite lines! You're very talented. I'll have to go and read the rest now. Thakns a lot! lol

[B.C. Luna]

umm.... your writing technique is a bit weak. it does reassemble much of a twelve year old Gabriel, no offense. the structure of your story needs much more support than what you gave it. Don't be scared to linger your paragraphs into a sweet phrase. writing a story is like seducing the one you like. difficult and never fair.
Secondly, then way you write your paragraphs, shouldn't be doubled spaced. only single. The double spaced is for a time difference, or another scene.
Thridly, each character has a simple paragraph after another, describing their actions or their dialogue... just some simple stuff that needs fixing please.

[xCrystalDreamx]

Hmm, ok plot line I guess, but this really didn't interest me much. I thought your structure was a bit scanty and the writing resembles that of a 12 year old fangirl . . .

What I mean by that is that first of all, your first person main character seems more like a stand in than an actual person. Her personality isn't nearly developed enough, nor do you really give her any paragraphs of musing. I have seen this in a lot of similar writing, and I hate it. If you are going to focus more on the male character than the female character in your story, please write from the male characters point of view when writing your story, instead of giving us a faceless, nameless female character that seems to be average on every level.

Also, this resembles a lot of stories I've read: girl leads a normal, popular teenage life with lots of superficial, ditsy friends, arrogant bad-guy blonde sexy vampire comes and takes her to be his slave, girl is overly dramatic and logical, saying "oh, what have you done? What are you going to do with me? Oh, god no!!", vampire is malicious and evil, girl hate vampire at first but quickly starts crushing on him despite his many personality disorders and the whole unbelievability of it all.

I believe that your characters resemble a lot of characters out there. They are not really unique, in my opinion. The girl, as always is in stories like these, is dramatic, popular, a bit stupid, and undeveloped in mental ability and in persona. The vampire, as always is in these type of stories, is "sexy", arrogant, has red eyes, evil, etc.

Too common. No story.

Come on, add your own stuff! Who says vampires have to have red eyes? Why not blue, or brown, or green! Who says vampires have to be arrogant, evil, distant? Why not outgoing, modest, involved? Who says the female main character has to be popular, confident, tough, ditsy? Why not shy, clever, a bit weak (to add to drama in plot) and agile? Who says the male character has to be the vampire? How come the female character can't be the vampire, and the male character human?

What I'm saying is, spice it up! Give us more detail, more drama, more twists, more creative ideas! And please, please, a better plot.

I apologize if my critique was too harsh, but I don't see the need in trying to be polite about it--if no one ever tells you what they really think of your writing, you'll never get better!

[LostHannah]

“The questions are always the same ‘Who are you?’ ‘what do you want from me?’ or my personal favorite ‘what are you going to do to me?”
This is from the twilight movie. But I like it here. As for the story.. it's really great.

[StarNinja]

Holy s**t! I like the vampire boy... man... I don't know, it wasn't very clear how old he looks. Anyway, he seems to know the drill by now. Dialogue was decent, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work!

A+