CHASE - PART II

"She was a magic beyond belief. Her touch soothed all his pain; voice enchanted a thousand delights within him.”

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CHAPTER 8

As I lay back down again and soon I am back into my slumber. My dreams start playing and my mind is in an overdrive.

Everyone always told me, oblivion is where feelings go to after sometime. After two long years, I stepped into oblivion to find my feelings, to fill this emptiness within me. But where do I start and how do I choose? Even oblivion has a way of forgetting where it archived the ugly, the beautiful.

After 2 years I am back at it again for the last time to see how it goes this time. Can I endure the playbacks of lost causes, broken dreams and heavy goodbyes?

With that I peak into oblivion, standing behind the black door with the etchings of broken dreams, lost memories, snatched thoughts, life and above all, everything that brings you an inch closer to sadness, spread along the walls.

I step inside and a smell of cry-for-help hit my nostrils. I shudder. I step in. the door closes behind. There is darkness but somehow I see everything. I don’t know what I am trying to find but somewhere, from within my heart, I know that I know it has to be here.

Lost in a maze, I see many people around me doing the same. I turn around accidentally bumping into another seeker…. Ashley….. I look at her. Nervously, she stutters: "I am looking for my heart, have you seen it?”

"Go find it, it belongs to you," I snap at her.

With a hurt look on her face, she moves past me and steps into darkness, further away, never giving up.

Two steps later, I notice the platform, she was standing on, shred into a million pieces, and her body, floating towards nothingness. Without ado thinking, I plunge myself at her and hold her hand.

Now I know, I had come to find my soul and I believe I did.

I wake up with a jolt. What the heck did I just dream of? I touch my forehead only to find beads of sweat on it. It felt so real - that look of hurt on her facial features; that determination in her eyes. I throw the covers away from my body, and sit on the edge of the bed, with my head in between my hands, resting them on my thighs with the support of my elbows.

I start bobbing my leg up and down. I feel some kind of cloth touching the heel of my foot. I look under the bed to see Ashley's duffel bag open there. I slip it out and check inside only to find a book, that somewhat looks like an old diary. I keep the bag at its original place and pick up the diary and settle down on my bed. I switch on the lamp besides my bed and look closely at the diary. It is a medium sized notebook that has been covered with royal blue paper. Above it are cut-outs of paper flowers or different symbols that I don't know the meaning of.

My find finds it way over to the top edge of the cover to uncover the words in the diary.

This is breach of privacy, my mind says.

But what could I do, I was too curious to give a damn about privacy.

I opened the diary to see her beautiful handwriting on even the hard bound cover of the diary. I take in everything as I read:

Hey reader,

You are reading this diary because either I am dead or you are a great thief to have found it. Anyways, since you have already taken the pain to open this diary, I dare you to read ahead. But you are warned. This contains only emotion that belong to me or the ones that I lost over the passing time.

'Curiosity killed the cat.' I hope you know.

Read at your own risk.

Ash.

Ignoring the words 'dead' and 'emotions' I move onto the page besides it.

Let's pray first.

Dear god;

Here is my soliloquy, my cry for help, my call for a change in the treacherously dark cocoon I have crawled into; I am trapped in this tiny space, with every move a struggle; I push squirming harder, the more I fight, the less ground I cover; trapped, secluded, I am welded to the floor, my feet pressed side by side; uncertain if I will ever escape; give me the power, give me strength to break down these walls and fly away; I am a monarch butterfly, awaiting the first flap of my wing; awaiting the infinity that is the sky; longing to be set free.

I turn the page and see some pages stapled to the beginning.

Do you see how she never looks twice,

Before crossing the road?

Or how she holds those scissors in her hands

As if wishing for them

To cut through her veins.

Have you even heard her cry?

How her voice breaks?

Yet she laughs as if nothing is wrong.

Have you ever noticed,

How she never winces?

If she gets hurt,

How she never puts a bandage on those cuts?

Do you ever think,

Why she cut her hair above her jawline?

How she says she doesn’t care

But when they leave, she sighs?

Have you ever seen?

How she never meets your eye,

How she smiles even while telling if something is wrong with her.

How she closes her eyes

For a bit too long.

How she bites her lower lip

A bit too hard.

How she doesn't write long paragraphs

About love, friends or family.

How her writings have one thing in common -

They are sad in a way;

They won't make you cry;

But will make you think

What's wrongs with her?

My dear,

Have you ever heard someone cry?

Without making a sound

Without shedding tears

Have you seen a wolf howling?

For a moonless sky.

I hold up the page with the help of my left hand and read the first page of the diary.

Dear diary,

It's been a while. Been quite some time since I have eaten food properly. Since I wrote you and you read me. Since I laughed.

It's been a while. Long time since I remember not worrying or crying myself to sleep. Since I liked going to school. Since I wasn’t brooding over something trivial most of the time. Since I called my house, home.

It's been a while. Very, very long since breathing didn't seem like an exercise. Since being alone and lonely were two different things. Since I hadn't felt pain.

It's been a while since I have cried about things that made me sad. Or planning what to do next. Feeling sorry for myself.

It's been a while since I wrote complete sentences to you; managing to reach the end of what began. Been quite some time since I admired myself in the mirror. Been extravagantly long since I slept to music or lullabies. Been quite a long time since I feel tired.

It's been a long time and I haven't been able to write to you, you know!

I turn over the page and continue reading. Each page belongs to a new date.

A letter to self; to the girl who thinks she doesn't deserve love,

I know you can’t keep a count of how many nights you have stayed up waiting for texts or calls, or both. Just let it pass.

Go watch a movie, instead. Don't believe in love until you have someone who says you are beautiful even though you hate yourself. Wait for someone who would write you letters just like that.

Wait for someone who would call you just because he is missing your voice. Sooner or later, you will cross paths with someone like that. In that moment, do not let him go.

Hold him close and let go off the clutches of your past. It barely matters if you think you don't deserve love, because guess what, he knows that you do - and you deserve all the love there is in the universe.

You have a habit of giving up on people, don't do that anymore. Sing songs, even though you can't; and he will join midway.

All you have to do is wait. Don't you ever think that you don't deserve happiness. And just one last thing - happiness is not synonymous for love. You will find love someday. Just believe.

It's as if I can't stop reading. What did she mean by these things? It did not seem to me that she wrote these things just for the sake of writing. It felt like there were hidden raw emotions behind those words.

Dear Diary,

I am the who cries inside with a smile on her face. I have people to call 'friends' but just for a while. I love them and keep them close to me but they still break me. My pillow knows how much I suffer. No one knows what's there on my mind, with my heart crying I say "I am fine". I wish someone would listen me out. My pen wonders why I love my family so much, and I know you are pitying me as I cry without tears, hoping that one day all will be well!

Yours only,

Ash.

Ashley stirs in her sleep and whimpers. I look at her and see that she is shivering a little. I hide the diary behind my pillow and get up and make my way towards the closet. I grab a blanket, walk to the couch and drape it around her body.

She looks so peaceful and innocent asleep. The way she cuddles into the warmth and the softness of the blanket like a child cuddling to its mother. She looks so beautiful - wait where are these thoughts coming from?

I take time to take in her facial features and admire her. Her pink, luscious kissable lips; her button like nose; the way her face contorts in confusion as she sleeps - get control on your thoughts, Chase!

But what I do next shocks even me. I bend down and place a soft kiss on her forehead. I look back again at her, stupefied by my actions. I just hurry back to the bed and keep the diary back in her bag. I look at the clock, it’s three in the morning. I close my eyes and let sleep conquer me.

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The next morning I am woken up to the sound of water running in the bathroom. I throw away the blankets and head outside the room, closing the door behind me.

"Good morning ma," I say.

"Morning honey," mom replies and continues making breakfast. I still feel a little sleepy so I grab the jug of orange juice and pour some for myself.

"Good morning Chasey Boo," I turn around to a happy looking Joanna who is being carried by Ashley on her hips. Ashley places her on the platform and makes her eat some fruits.

"Do you need any help?" she asks to mum. I am surprised Chivalry is even known to her. Well, I really am surprised after reading her diary. My thoughts drift off to last night's events and everything that she said to me. You can't be the medication to this damaged world if you keep destroying yourself.

What did she mean by those words?

What did she want to express through her diary?

"Chase,”I see mum frantically waving her hands in front of her face. I then realize that I was lost in my own little world. "Huh," is all I could say.

"For a minute or two, we had lost you there," mum says while going back to resuming her work. Ashley snickers a little along with Jo.

"What happened?" I reply a little embarrassed.

"Your phone has been ringing since two minutes continuously," Ashley says. It's then that I realize that my phone, laying on the counter, had surely been ringing since the two notifications with Ryan's goofy face kept showing up. I smile a little on the inside; great friends I got there.

I call him back again. He picks it up and replies. "Hey b***h, what'cha doing?" I roll my eyes at his comment and answer him, "What do you want?"

"Just wanted to ask you about your new wife," I look at Ashley at this but immediately turn my eyes away.

"Nothing new, no problems, yet" I say a little annoyed for even thinking well about Ashley. She is just like her brother. A little spoilt brat, w***e!

I go up to my room and we start talking about anything and everything. After a while we decide to go to the mall with Rue and Luke. He agrees to call them and we decide to meet up there directly.

I then get into the shower, dress up and style my hair. I go into the kitchen and see my mom and dad talking to each other while having breakfast.

"Mom, dad I am going out with Ryan and the others to the mall. I will have something on my way.”

"Chase, take Ashley with you." Mom says. Ashley looks a little shocked.

"But mom, it's just me and my friends," I say a little annoyed.

"Chase…" Dad glares at me. Ashley seems to be talking with my mom through her eyes.

"Ashley you are going with Chase and that's final." Mom orders.

She just sighs and goes into the room, probably to dress up in her usual clothes. I cringe at the thought of her wearing those skimpy clothes and faced caked up with makeup.

She comes out after sometime dressed like a….. Normal girl. She is wearing a T-shirt with a blue heart on it, black skinny jeans and grey vans. A necklace with an anchor studded with blue diamonds dangles on her neck! She has just put on mascara on her eyes and lip gloss on her lips.

She looks so stunning. I keep staring at her until I hear a cough, from my mom. I look at her only to find her smirking at me.

"Aren't you getting late to go?" she asks. Ashley blushes at her comment and even I could feel my cheeks heat up a little.

"I….uhh….Lets go" and I leave with Ashley following behind me. I can hear my mom's laughter and I can imagine her smirking at me and burning holes through my head using her eyes.

As I sit in the driver's car and start the engine, a thought strikes me.

S**t everyone's going to roast me today for bringing her with me.

Rue would definitely hate me.

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"And if her soul was a poetry,

He was a voracious reader.”