ASHLEY

"The world you perceive is a broken translation for the words of your soul."

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CHAPTER 7

Today morning I woke up with a tired mind and empty heart. I had become hollow from the inside, just like an empty shell. And let me tell you, I am not something else. I am just another human being, just like you - I am imperfect, I am flawed and I am made of all the bad things that humans are made of.

But maybe I choose to see the good in everyone, even when I knew that maybe there wouldn't be any, because I thought that my bad thoughts made them bad. But you know what - that was my mistake - but I have no regrets. Maybe this was meant to happen. I am happy that I did not get any worse 'cause some have suffered much more than me.

Death is all I could think of yesterday night. And today morning, while dressing up, I gazed upon my feet. I felt as if every step was like a stab from a sword. And now each day it will become sharper and harder for me to walk all alone on this path - the path which will lead me to my destiny before I leave this world.

We are currently sitting in the car, with Mr. and Mrs. Matthews in the front seat and me and Chase in the backseat, with Joanna, or Jo as she wanted me to call her, on my lap - this cute little girl wanted to sit with me and I just could not resist her cute baby pout. As we drive back to the Matthews' apartment, I can't help but see this family and the love and affection they have for each other.

I am so jealous of Chase and Jo right now - the way their parents care for them, love them, spend time with them and make them feel wanted. I have always wished for this kind of family but - Not everyone gets what they want.

I was hurt when Chase told me to hurry up 'cause Daddy Dearest would not always help me. I did not know what came over me but I spoke to him with so much venom and hatred laced in my voice, he flinched. He should not have spoken without knowing me. A*****e.

The ride back consisted of the Matthews' making small talk with each other and me and me being silent for most of the way. As soon as we reach the parking lot of their home, Jo starts jumping and starts talking all about how she wants me to play with her.

I could just smile at her cuteness and listen to her rants. I did not realize that we were the only ones left in the car until Chase had opened the door and told us to get out of the car. I picked Jo up and placed her on my hip and carried my bag with another hand. We went up to the lobby and into the lift. The lift opened on the seventh floor and the family headed straight towards what looked like the largest flat on this floor.

Mr. Matthews' opened the door with his key and I was surprised on seeing inside. Not because these people lived in an apartment, but because it looked so homely to me or according to me. The walls were painted in beige and there was a brown recliner-cum-sofa in the middle of the living room.

Ahead of it lay a glass table with a jug of water and some magazines on it. Above the table hung a beautiful chandelier that gave away a more homely vibe than anything else here. In front of the couch was a 42-inch television and near the window was a projector screen with a projector on the opposite side of the room.

"Welcome to our humble abode. I know it's not like your house but we hope you could adjust." Mrs. Matthews' said.

"Are you kidding me!" I said without thinking.

"Uhh...s...sorry?" she asked, more like questioned.

"n...no...I....I mean to say that this looks so much like home, one that I could ever wish for at least." Again my mouth said without filtering the words that came out of it. Upon realizing what I said, I turn around slowly to look at everyone. They look at me with confused expressions, probably wondering what I meant when I said 'that I could ever wish for at least.'

There is an awkward silence for about two minutes, until Chase decides to break it, "I am going to go take a shower." At that time I just wanted to kiss the life out of him, for saving me from the awkward tension that was prevailing in the room.

No, Ashley. Too bad, too bad.

Mrs. Matthew nodded and then he went towards the end of the hallway, into his room I suppose. 

"So Ashley, what would you like for dinner." Mrs. Matthews asked.

I was surprised at first but then I realised that I was somewhere else, but still fear resided in my heart.

"Mrs.... Matthews I....uhh... anything would do?" I stuttered.

"No formalities are needed darling, just call me Chloe." She says with a warm welcoming smile and holds out her hand for me to shake.

"And call me Jamie." Mr. Matthews says.

"And you already know me." I put forward my hand as well with a slight but sincere smile on my face. The two give me a playful glare and start talking to me. For the first time ever, it feels that people actually care to know me and talk to me.

For the first time ever, I am talking to someone with smiles. For the first time my conversation consists of playful banters. It feels good, to say the least. Between our talks Chase comes into the kitchen all washed up and dressed in his normal clothes - khaki shorts and a black T-shirt.

"Mom, what's for dinner?" he asks without even sparing a glance in my direction.

Both Chloe and he look at each other, as if having a telepathic conversation.

"I was thinking of Bolognese lasagne." She says.

"Yeah, that shall do." He replies and starts leaving.

"Chase why don't you show Ashley her room and help her settle in." Jamie says with a glare.

"But..." Chase argues.

"No buts Chase." Jamie looks at me, "go darling."

"Its fine Jamie, I would go on my own." I say.

"No, Chase here, has got some duties. He will keep you accompanied." Jamie glares at Chase again and says, "Now go." He orders.

"C'mon I will show you your room." I don't know why I felt that he did not really want me here.

I picked up my bag and looked at Jamie and Chloe gratefully and then followed behind him. He took me towards the room just across the kitchen that was at the end of the hallway. I knew we were both about to share a room, since this apartment only had three. I went inside the room and was surprised to find it all clean.

Aren't boys supposed to be messy?

The walls were painted black and the pillars were white with some bands', basketball players' and cars' posters. There was a computer on the wall adjacent to the door. A king - size bed lay just a few metres ahead the door. Just across the room was a study table.

I kept my bag on the bed and turned around facing the window. There was a peach coloured couch in the room and a bathroom with a walk in closet beside it. I went over to the window and looked outside. His room faced towards the forest and you could clearly see the green, luscious and long trees and the beautiful woods.

It felt so peaceful!

"You can keep your clothes in the closet and then freshen up. I have cleared up some space for you in the closet and there's a towel in the bathroom." And with this he turned around, slammed the door behind him and left me stunned. Clearly, he didn't want me to be invading his personal space.

I just shrug my shoulders, pick up my bag and start arranging my things in the room. The closet is big enough that it could actually contain ten to twelve more dresses but I had only a few, so I guess, we have some empty space.

Next, I arrange my books and place the bag under the bed and then grab a pair of tank top and sweatpants and head towards the bathroom. The bathroom is covered in black marble wall and white counters. There's a bathtub at the end with a shower cubicle by its side.

I fill the bathtub with warm water and step inside it. Some of the water flows out as I sit down. It feels so good to finally be able to relax after a long time. There is still some pain because of my scars and bruises but overall my mind relapses into a state of tranquility.

I just stay there, laying in water surrounded by bubbles and smell of my sandalwood body wash. I then rinse my hair and scrub my body, for the next twenty minutes. After a little more of passing time in the bathroom, I put on the black bathrobe and come out of the bathroom while drying my hair with a towel.

I make my way towards the closet and grab my undergarments, a tank top and sweatpants. I wear my clothes and head out of the room to see Chloe cooking dinner.

"Do you need any help with that?" I ask and point towards the vegetables on the counter.

"Oh no dear, I will manage. You go away, maybe watch some TV." And with this she shoos me away. I walk into the living room only to find Joanna on Chase's lap, both of them too engrossed in the movie to notice my presence. I walk a little ahead and see that the both of them are watching tangled.

My heart does weird movements on seeing Chase caressing Joanna and watching Disney movies with her. I always thought that all elder brothers were supposed to be like this - caring, loving, annoying and overprotective. Some girls might find it embarrassing when their elder brother acts like a parent to them, but if it were me I would have loved to have someone like that.

You realize the worth of a thing when you don't have it.

Honestly, the past will always be the past, and I know, no matter how hard I try the moments won't turn into elixir when they make me feel contaminated. These words that I am pouring in right now, or the ones that I write, may seem like complaints - complaints echoing back and forth - but whatever random s**t they said to me hurt me deep within and made me question myself.

As if noticing my presence, Chase turns around and looks at me, making even Joanna turn around.

"Why are you crying?" Joanna asks with concern. It is then that I realize that my tears have damped my cheeks.

"It....it's nothing." I say as I wipe my tears. I go and settle beside them on the couch. Joanna gets off from Chase's lap and holds her arms out for me to pick her up. I hold her and place her on my lap, as she looks at me and smiles.

"I can feel the love you have for me," Chase says to Joanna while glaring at her playfully. And Jo being the little kid she is, just sticks her tongue out at him. This sight just makes me giggle and a few traitorous tears fall out of my eyes. Joanna wipes them away and just keeps looking at me as if my eyes hold answers to all the mysteries in this world.

She then smiles sweetly and says, "Would you play with me?" she asks a little scared, as if I would say no to her.

"Of course, I would." And I give her a full blown smile. She just giggles and gets down from my lap and then tells me to follow her. She takes me into a medium sized room, smaller than Chase's but bigger than my attic, which has pink colored walls and Barbie and Disney princesses' posters on it.

We dress up her dolls and play with them. After an hour, she tells me to give her a makeover and I do as said. I do her makeup and help her into a pretty dress and then tell her to look into the mirror. She looks at herself and her eyes widen. For a second or two, she remains in a state of shock but suddenly turns around, squeals and then hugs me.

She runs out of the room saying that she wants to show her new look to everyone. After about fifteen minutes she comes back with a big smile on her face. I help her wash the makeup and put on her clothes back.

It feels so surreal watching her all happy and smiling for the smallest things. Within a few years she will grow into a beautiful teenager. But we all know the sad truth, we grow up - more like grow apart. There's no point arguing, we grow apart from the real meaning of life -we call it growing up; growing up in a self-made virtual reality where happiness is found in materialistic things and that too very rarely.

This Growing up is a very cruel process. We often lose the ability to see the beauty in the commonest of things. We are surrounded by happiness but blindfolded by materialistic things, making it difficult to acknowledge whatever we have. We start looking for smiles in an expensive bouquet rather than in the one growing in front of us. We start looking for our smiles in a big showroom rather than our grandmother's knitted sweater.

We start looking for our smiles in those costly, organised concerts rather than those hours of bathroom singing. We start looking for our smiles in that lavish Jacuzzi bathtub rather than those sudden rains. Basically we start looking for happiness in complicated things rather than simple ones.

And that my dear is exactly how we kill the child within us and grow apart from life while growing up; we kill the child who could be satiated by a pocket full delight, to awake an adult, who couldn't be satiated even by the wish to live forever.

Okay off topic, but you get the idea!

As soon as she is all dried up, Chloe calls us for dinner. I did not even realize that time went by so quickly. We make our way towards the kitchen and settle down. I sit down in between Joanna and Chase. Across us Jamie and Chloe sit down. As soon as the food is served, we dig in.

The Bolognese lasagne that Chloe has prepared is finger licking worth, to say the least. I eat as much as I can, and it's a little too much because I haven't eaten since days. After finishing our food, I help Chloe in washing the dishes and we make small talk while doing so. She asks me about school and I reply with 'same as always.'

"How's life at home?" she asks and I tense after hearing that question. I don't know why but I feel like spilling all my deepest and darkest secrets to her. What can I say, her aura makes me want to just tell her everything, empty my heart out to her.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asks me in a comforting and soothing voice as she wipes away the tears that flow down my cheeks. She guides me to a room that I feel is a study. She sets me down on the couch and locks the door behind her. She wipes her hand on her apron and then comes and sits beside me.

"You can talk to me about anything, honey. I am just like your mother as I am to Chase and Joanna." She says and my sobs become much harder. It feels so foreign to hear someone call herself my mom. I never had a mother figure in my life. Well biologically I did, but Rebecca did nothing to be called a mother.

I had no one to talk to me about boys or to just calm me down when I was scared. Instead I was so afraid of that one person who called herself my mother, that I did not trust anyone. But hearing Chloe call herself my mother, stirred my heart and made me spill out my guts to her - I told her everything from the accident that took place when I was nine years old, to my memory loss. I told her about the abuse and even about yesterday night.

And she just sat there listening to me intently and hugging me close to her as I cried on her shoulders.

"You know you are the strongest and the most beautiful girl I have ever met." I could see the sincerity in her eyes and something foreign to me - was it pride? I did not even know if she said this to just make me feel good or was it true. I don't know what to believe in. I was already too broken and the emotions that her eyes showcased confused me even more.

I saw many raw emotions, almost every one of them except for pity. I did not know what to think but I did not tell her anything else, just hugged her and cried onto her.

"Why didn't you tell anyone else about this?"

"No one would ever believe me." And she could not reply since she knew I was correct.

"Do you want me to do..."

"No, I don't want you to get into trouble for me. I am not worth the loss or pain."

"Don't you dare say that! You are a strong and beautiful young lady. You are worth every happiness in this world. I won't do anything now, but if this happens again we are filing a complaint." I looked into her eyes and saw the determination and so I just nodded. We decided to call it a night and went into our rooms.

I don't know why but I feel a tad bit happy. I don't know why I told her everything. I walk into my room to see a shirtless Chase laying on the bed with the covers covering the lower part of his body. I just keep looking at him, those absolutely drool worthy abs, and handsome face; those pink lips that I could keep kissing - get your horny mind out of the gutter Ashley.

"Done Checking me out." He says a little bit annoyed.

"I...Uh...I wasn't checking you out." I managed to stutter.

"I am sure my eyes are here" he points towards his eyes, "and not her," he points towards his naked torso. I ignore his comment and walk into the bathroom, happy that he won't be able to see me blushing. I brush my teeth and walk into the bedroom ready to sleep and be haunted by those lovely nightmares.

"Where will I sleep?" I ask Chase as I notice that he has taken up the whole bed.

He points towards the couch and just smirks at me. I sigh and just turn around ignoring the pang of hurt in my heart. I lay down in the couch and shift to find a more comfortable position to sleep. Chase turns off the lights and I see him, drag the covers up to his neck and cuddle into the bed. I just sigh mentally and try to sleep but not even one position I try, is comfortable enough.

Oh my, one year like this is going to be a long, long time!

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"Go ahead burn me, if you thought my fire would show you what my demons do in the dark. But let me tell you the truth - all they do is show the world how my angels give me scars.

So go ahead, burn me down. Let the world know you were one of those angels I was counting on."