ASHLEY - PART II

She kept falling in pits as she ran away; scratches on her arms and legs and mud all over her soul.

“What is she running from?” her present and future asked with concern.

“From me.” Her past whispered with a devilish smirk.   

CHAPTER 5 - PART 2

Dear Diary,

I am fading out of existence. Slowly; very slowly. Numb and unconscious. Bathed in miasma. My demons, slowly eating me; and I am breathing out silent cries. I am standing right here, prettified and broken. I resemble nothing; but a piece of wrecked art. The noxious cologne of death nauseates me, and I am falling apart. I am wrapped in unknown hands struggling to breathe; to live.

I am struggling to live. 

She is crawling her way back to the corner, for her wings are broken and the fall has been tragic. The innocence suffered a loss. Hell is the place so far recognized; Heaven is beyond reach. Gone in a gust of wind, never turned to see her waiting. Afraid of committing to promises, she thinks how facile it is for humans to fake smiles and leave in a goodbye.

Every bit of me is falling down. I am becoming the paper ash, breaking down even when held tenderly. My musings are tumbling down , the surface is hitting me back harder.

I wish I was a robot to rig my dismantled self. I am merely a hypothesis in this world - I am broken.

After everything I have seen and being through especially today, I have come to the conclusion that I am vulnerable - I won’t ever denied that.

No one is really invincible. All of us has something that make us afraid. There is always something which makes us want to run away and zone out from this world.

And some people like me are good at hiding it, fooling people of what we really feel inside. But I can never fool myself.

I can never make myself believe in fantasies and fairy tales because in the first place, they are just too far-fetched and ideal. I can never hold on to the fact that everything will be perfect in my life because in reality it never was and will never be.

I was never guaranteed a long lasting heaven in this world. I guess, after today I won’t be the same. May be I won’t trust any other guy; maybe I would question their intentions; maybe I would stop reading those novels with an over protecting elder brother; maybe I would end up hurting every other guy who actually cared; may be my insecurities would grow.

I may show the world that I am fine but this only makes me more frustrated and drained in the end.

Yours only,

Ash.

 

Looking at my diary, I could not clearly comprehend what had happened sometime before. I am just too broken and sad to be able to respond. And it was not just Jade but also Axel. Is this how it was supposed to be for me? Is this what an elder brother and father is supposed to treat their sister and daughter?

All these years I thought that family was meant to love you and care for you, but what I have experienced is totally different. Is it wrong to say that after what they did to me today, I finally felt at peace because I have nothing else left to lose?

I never wished to die a virgin, but this is not how I wished my first time to be, or was it?  I should not have expected any less from these people. They are devil dressed in the form of humans. But aren’t we all like them in today’s world?

Is it wrong that now after ages of chaos and uproar, I’ve heard silence, tasted nothingness and felt empty spaces? In my pursuit to find to find everything, I have found nothing. Is it wrong that now I feel like my turbulent journey has reached its end and hit calm waters?

I suppose I have gotten used to these growling monsters and howling demons, inside my head and out here in front me. I did love them, or so I thought so. I loved them so much, I couldn’t breathe. They consumed my entire being and so I let them treat me the way they did.

I don’t know what they got out of destroying me from time to time, but I hope they don’t put anyone else through that. I waited for their love, care and affection. I gave them chance after chance and I left them with every last goddamn thing I had. And today they took it all without any care in the world.

But now, I am hollow. I have stopped expecting. I hope that one day they see me so f*****g happy that I look like I’m about to explode, and I hope it kills them. I hope they drop to the floor and feel like their breath is being sucked out of them and they realize what they have done.

But hopes are not always enough. When people say “I hope…” maybe they break a little inside, because the possibility of an outcome is uncertain; some amount of negativity wraps them in its sheet and suffocates them with a sense of longing and disbelief. I can’t say surely about others but I do feel this.

It’s like I hope just because I know that there is a very less probability of something happening.

“Ash darling, you should probably go to sleep now. Its 10:30.” Rebecca says without any emotions. I just nod and she leaves me alone to again overthink things and replay today’s horrifying events.

I stare at the diary beside my bag as if ll the answers to my problems were written inside it. I don’t know what had gotten into me but I opened it and started reading the cover page.

…..And she feels alive wearing the scars as crown, they gave to her.

I start reading each and every quote on the cover page. These quotes were pieces of written materials that I had either read online or borrowed from some book. They reminded me that if fictional characters could do it, then I was a real human.

The scary part isn’t dying like this - it is living like this forever. Upon reading it, something shook inside of me. It was as if my soul was trying to escape the cage of my inner self begging to be let out.

We are like a spider’s prey….

Anxiously stuck in a web woven by the threads of time.

Waiting to be freed.

And with this I closed the diary as heaviness overtook my eyes and carried me to a place we call dreamland where I am just stuck with nightmares.

May the odds be in my favour starting from tomorrow!

“She is the sunlight hiding behind the rain.

Wait for the storm to clear up; it will be worth the wait!”