CHASE

"You can hang at the edge of the world with all the might that surrounds your bones but the best way to save yourself is to let go."
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CHAPTER 4

"Dear Chasey,

Maybe you shouldn't allow

The nail piercing inside your skin

Making your blood ooze and drip out.

You need to shake yourself,

Realize that swollen wounds

Are a part of growing up.

The only difference some are

Mere scars of the past

While the others are a reminder

Of the future ahead;

Remember, you cannot sit here

In darkness and

Curtain yourself

From the outside world.

Forever and Always,

Nasty."

Reading this letter still causes tears to well up in my eyes. It's been two years since my sister committed suicide; two years since I have hated the Benjamins; two years since I have people who loved me more than a family; two years since my sister left this letter on her bed, before leaving behind everything.

After knowing about the agreement that my foster parents made with the Benjamins, this afternoon after returning home, I just snapped at them for agreeing to something so crude. They knew what Jade had done to Natalie and still agreed to accept their offer. They are ridiculous!

I left them standing there, ran up to my room and slammed the door shut, to tell them that I was in no mood for further discussion. And this is how I ended up recalling my sister and reading the last thing that she ever said to me.

Oh, how I wish she was here with me right now.

I remember how she always told me to look from the other person's point of view and then make a decision. She always supported me in every decision and was always there to guide me along with my parents.

I haven't cried since days, but today just seemed to be a bad day. So, I do the only thing I can think of - I cry. I cry till my eyes are devoid of moisture; I cry till I feel empty and hollow from the inside; I cry till I have a reason, even the most stupid ones, to cry.

After my breakdown, I stand up and head straight for my bathroom. I check every cabinet for some blades that mom might have forgotten to take out and throw away, but I find none. So I just go into my closet and remove one from my secret stash hidden behind my old toys.

I turn on music and raise the volume so that everyone thinks that I am in no mood to talk. With this I walk into the bathroom and sit down on the edge of the bathtub and turn on the cold water. I look at the blade as if my life depended on it. It was my only way to escape this harsh and cruel reality that has fucked up my life and has messed me up a big time.

And so, I drag the silver blade along the skin and feel the cold metal surface that would make me relieve my mental stress through physical pain. I make a small cut first just beneath my palm. Dark red blood gushes out like water flowing in a stream. And then begins the series of cuts - two, three, four, five, six.

All I feel is pain and relief - physical pain from the cuts and mental relief on seeing the blood. But I know this is just an escape from reality and there's nothing more than this that I can do to change the future.

Real pain, slowly crawls inside; through the scars that are left unhealed, and the wounds which have stopped bleeding. Its favourite colour isn't blue or black, sometimes it's just nothing. Nothing at all. And when it cuts, it cuts deeper than blades and knives.

You bleed; you bleed smiles; you bleed lies: "I am fine" you'd say, when you aren't. It doesn't always storm inside your heart, sometimes it chooses to stroll around for a while, before it catches you sipping your coffee; and sits next to you.

"Chasey Boo, where are you?" I hear my little sister, Joanna, my foster parents' real daughter, call me.

"In here Jo. You can come inside if you want, I will be out in a minute." I reply.

I hear the door creak as she opens and closes it behind her. I clean off the blood from the floor and bathtub and dispose of the blade into the dustbin. I then step out of the bathroom and close the door behind me.

"You cut again, didn't you?"

For an 8 year old, this girl was very smart. She understood the family's problem of financial crisis and did not waste any money on unnecessary things, unlike most children of her age. She is also the person who actually knows that I cut, sometimes.

My sister, Joanna Matthews, the biological daughter of Jamie and Chloe Matthews, is a cute 8 year old chubby and bubblish girl who loves to irritate me to hell but also listens to my problems just like an elder sister would, or more like Natalie would.

"Chasey Boo, I asked you something."

"Oh...oh yeah. No, ummm. I...I... Did not," I say and try to hide my hand behind my back while tugging down the sleeves of my shirt, wishing that she would not know about those new cuts.

"Chase, please I don't like it when you do that." Seeing the saddened expression on her face and hearing her call me by my name, stirred something inside of me. I just went over to her and picked her up in my arms and gave her a huge bone-crushing hug.

This little girl already rules my heart and I would do anything for her, even give up my life.

"Chase you know mom and dad would never do anything that would hurt you."

"I know that Jo."

"Chase we both know that the only way for them to help their company is through this agreement. So think of it wisely and then make a decision."

"But...."

"Whatever would be your decision, I will always love you and you know mom and dad would also not put up with the agreement if you say no. Just think before you decide. And maybe, after all, this engagement wouldn't be so bad." With this she left my room, not before giving me a light kiss on the cheek.

One thing I know for sure, this engagement would be anything but good.

But,

When did Jo become more like Natalie?

My mom calls me for dinner and I head downstairs already making up my mind to tell my parents of my decision. This is the first time that our family dinner is so awkward. Thick tension prevails in the air and mom and dad steal glances in my direction while Jo is quietly eating her food with a blank expression.

"So....." mom says, trying to make conversation. I guess it's time to give them an answer.

"Yes." I say, with a blank expression.

"What?" dad asked but he knew very well what I was talking about. It was clear through his expressions that he was happy.

"I am ready to get engaged with Ashley." The s**t, b***h, w***e, of course I did not say those things.

"Really?" Mom was actually surprised since I had hated that family for two years now, with a burning passion. I just nod my head in agreement and look at Jo. She is just smiling at me and I somewhat feel proud of this decision but who knows

What the future holds?________________________________________________________________________________

Its Friday today and I am actually freaked out about how my life is going to change tomorrow. With being engaged to Ashley, staying in a room together, to keeping up with her snobby-rich-girl attitude, I don't know what will become of my life.

I see Ashley going to her first lecture and I just keep glaring at her.

"Bro, what are you thinking?" Ryan asks me as both of us watch Ashley's retreating back. All of these people know what happened this Monday at home and how I agreed for the engagement. I just left out the part where I cut and what Jo told me.

"Nothing, lets head back to class." And with this we turn around and are off to our first class. The day passes by in a blur and before I know its lunch time. I take my time to pack my stuff and head towards my lockers. The hallways are already empty except for one or two people lurking around the hallways.

As I make my way towards the cafeteria, I notice Ashley standing near her locker taking out her books. I don't know what possesses me but as she starts making her way towards the cafeteria, I start following her.

She suddenly stops and turns around. I just hide behind the lockers near the janitor's closet. The hallways are completely empty and as the coast is clear and start following her again, making as little sound as I can. But as if she can hear my footsteps she suddenly turns around and I hide again as immediately I can.

But I think she caught my shadow this time.

"W...Who i....is it?" she asks, fear evident in her voice.

After a second or two, I come out of my hiding place and she looks shocked to see me.

"I want to talk to you. Follow me." I say and turn around. She just nods her head and follows me without asking any further questions. We keep walking for a minute and two and I take her to our old school building.

I grab hold of her wrists and pull her inside one of the empty classrooms."I know all of this has something to do with Jade." I say. She says nothing but her face morphs into an expression of complete confusion. I feel amused and a smug smile appears on my face but it disappears as soon as it came.

Looking at her confused self I explain, "I know it was Jade who gave the stupid idea of our engagement. I just want you tell him," I put my hands on her cheeks aggressively and she winces in pain. I am taken aback by her hiss of pain and remove my hands from her face because I feel bad seeing her in pain.

Reminding myself for what I came here, I put on an emotionless face and continue, "Just tell Jade that he is not going to get to me now. I am in no mood for his tantrums. Also warn him that that if he tries anything on me or on my friends or family, again, he is a dead man walking."

And with this I turn around and leave her alone in that building. Why the hell would she wince when I did not even hurt her?

Why would I even feel bad if she is hurt or not?

My mind is fucked up. Gosh, could the day get any better.

I decide to bunk this lecture since I am already late. After this lecture gets over I head towards the gym for the last period. Coach just makes us play a game of volleyball. After an hour of that game the school gets over and I head for the boys changing room to begin my basketball practice.

After two hours of intense practice and the coach shouting at us to keep our mind in the game I walk to the lockers with Ryan and Luke in tow. I take a shower and change out of my sweaty clothes and start towards my car. On my way, I see Ashley get into the car with Jade. Feeling my gaze on him, Jade turns his head to face me.

He just smiles at me which throws me off-guard. It was not that regular smirk or a malicious grin, it was that sickly-sweet smile as if telling me 'I am the most innocent boy on the face of the earth.'

Oh my, this is going to be worse than I have thought!

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"I laugh a lot,

Sometimes, I laugh 'cause it's funny,

But mostly when it's not.

I am known as the happy one,

The hyper one,

The Golden boy who is perfect

And full of smiles and happiness.

But I wish people knew

That smiles hide a lot of pain,

Even laughter conceals countless

Tears from the night before.

It saddens me to realize

How good I have become

At pretending to be okay."