An Inch From Death (Writing)

This is true and it took a lot to write about...

WARNING: I didn't make the 'audience setting' 'mature', but this is a story about a time I was about to kill myself at the end of my addiction. It clearly ends nicely, but I go in to detail. Contains drugs, coarse language, and mature content.

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I sit alone.

Waiting...

Anticipating their arrival.

Three shells on the table, two lines of coke, and my cigarette in the ash tray;

I hold the shotgun with a feeling of complete emptiness.

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I lost it all, I fell harder than ever,

Then I realized I needed to make it right.

So I admitted myself to detox.

Then what did I do?

I left early. 

Because while I was in there, the guy who left this hopeless, unstable coke head alone with a shotgun, was held up at gun point while three guys rushed in to his house, trashing it to s**t and stealing everything they could.

So I left detox to be there for my 'brotha'

My 'boys'

Strapped and ready to retaliate with a raging vengeance.

I mean, they took his PS3...

It was where he had stored the only pictures of his dead son.

I felt bad for the guy.

And of course, the coke I was supplied kept me loyal...

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I take a line with a metal tube that goes with my tattoo machine.

I sniff deep.

Tasting the coke in my throat;

Savoring it and welcoming the numb.

I begin to...

Weep.

I've fallen so many times...

Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.

This me.

I grab the cigarette from the ash tray and light it.

The shotgun is resting on my lap.

I'm slouched in defeat.

I'm done.

I'm spent.

I really don't want my daughter to know me or see me as what I am now.

What I've always really been...

For nine f*****g years I've been sad...

Feeling a void I need to fill.

Finding escape at every turn.

I take a look at the shells and weep harder...

The handle of the shotgun is resting on the ground now.

I lean back and bring it close to examine it.

I can't shake this pain. 

Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I crack the gun open and stare down the empty barrels.

Then aim my sight at the shells on the table. '

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm screaming inside and out, why do I have to be the way I am.

What is wrong with me?

A wave of depression like I have never experienced washes over my soul.

This is it.

This is the end.

I have to do this for my family, she will find the right man to raise my daughter...

I know she will.

I'm not him...

I'm nothing. 

Just a piece of s**t!

A complete waste of space causing everyone grief...

They all want to see me do good, but when have I ever for long?

I grab one of the shells on the table and stick it in the left barrel of the open 12-gauge.

I'm ready to end this.

Now...

I slam the gun shut, making my heart jump...

I stick the butt of the shotgun on the floor, reaching past it to take that last line. 

The white powder kicks my head back, and I sniff as deep as I can to get the most of it.

I feel cold, but I'm sweating.

I'm shaking and the palms of my hands and feet are soaked.

I move the shotgun ahead so I can angle it in to my mouth.

Everyone deserves better

I don't deserve this suffering. 

I can't stand it any longer.

I hate life SO F*****G MUCH!

I open my mouth, c**k the shotgun, and tilt it towards my brain.

The cold steel pushes fear through my teeth.

I place my thumb on the trigger...

Just an inch away.

As another tear rolls down my face,

And snot from coke reaches the barrel.

I realize in that moment of time

That I don't want to die...

I just want to be happy.

Author's Note

This is a true story and it was kind of weird and hard to write about. After this event I readmitted myself to detox and have been clean for 4 months now... I just wanted happiness, and I worked on getting it. I am currently clean, happy, and content with life! An inch from death can change your out look sometimes I suppose.

Reviews

[Kelsey]

Now this..this is powerful. It gave me chills, quite honestly. Let me first start out by saying that the setup of this piece is amazing. Every little thing adds to the suspense, making it feel like everything's happening before you. I really like how it's not written so much as just a poem, or a rap - it's not really dedicated to one thing, it just, is. I feel that makes it more real, and in return, easier to feel for. I can't state how glad I am that you didn't go through with it. It must've been incredibly hard to write about this, so kudos to you for doing so, and for doing so well.

[Damien Davison]

Yea it was, but I felt it was the biggest turning point in my life and it needed to be said, to hopefully give someone out there hope at the bottom of the pit... I'm clean well and happy so it's possible to escape from the escape... Thank you very much!

[Anonymous Girl]

Oh My God! I was about to cry! Thank God you didn't kill yourself!!! I pray no-one ever does! I hate damn suicide! If you can't take the pain or hurt or void anymore try and overcome. Think back what you've done wrong. And try and solve out everything. And at the end every hard work will pay. Just remember, no matter how hard the times are, God is still there for you. He still loves you no matter what. So don't depend on anything or anyone but God. However, you've got to work hard and he'll help you in that hard working. Pray and work and I can reassure you, He'll help at the end. There is lateness in His house but it's never dark. He does help his human being. Just pray and remember, you always go through hard times in your life but God is just testing His man that does His man remembers Him in his hard times as well as easy times. Don't give up on life, its just a test.
Sorry for long lecture but its true. I hope you don't mind ^^
I like the poem though. Nicely settled with every emotion poured in it that the reader can imagine what you were going through. Nicely done :)
Keep writing and don't give up on life. ^^

[Damien Davison]

Thanks for the review and support, except the religious aspect of it.. I went through a christian recovery center once, they told me the only way I could recover was through god... I'll save that story for another write haha... I'm past all the wanting to die, I was just messed up on drugs, been clean for 4 months on my own, by myself and I've never been happier

[Anonymous Girl]

That's a good news! I hate drugs!!! Glad you stopped!
Sorry for all that long religious lecture. But trust me its not like you've got to depend ONLY and TOTALLY on God. You've got to work hard to achieve something and God helps His man when he is working hard. ^^

[Damien Davison]

It's alright, just you'll realize no body want someone elses beliefs shoved in front of them, saying that it is true and real and this and that... Check out my song 'Control', you'll see where I'm coming from. Not meaning to be rude in any way here lol, thanks!

[Anonymous Girl]

Its okay :)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Wow! many of us have felt such dispair but this is raw and an open wound on the page. such a graphic account of your return from hell and the ending is so profound.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this. It's kinda embarrassing to even watch these reviews heh, it's all about getting it out and over with I suppose. Thanks again.

[}Echo{]

Wow... This is really really great... And it's really really awesome how you have the courage to post this and admit all that. It's really great that you didn't pull that trigger. You would have missed out on a lot, and a lot of people would have missed you. Great poem, really really great poem. :)

[Damien Davison]

I didn't even really start writing seriously until after the fact... I'm glad I didn't as well cause I realize I am worth something and do have talent and potential for greatness... Thank you for the review.

[}Echo{]

Yeah.. Yeah. :)

[MachinaWriter]

Phew, man...crazy. I know this feeling a little too well. It's insane, I know. Those thoughts rising up in your head are SCREAMING and SCREAMING and you can't stop it anymore, you're so tired and exhausted and angry at yourself and the world and you keep running circles in your head over and over. I didn't have a coke addiction, but I had a bad alcohol problem and narcotics. Started with Vicodin and later Percs, then move up to heroin. I snorted the stuff, mainly. Shot it up here and there. It dominated my life. That need to drown out the feelings. That drip in the back of your throat, bittersweet. Repulsive, yet the drip of life. I know this feeling too much, man. I've been in this exact moment, just change the means of suicide and the drug of choice. You put this out brutally and honestly and I admire you for that. It takes courage. Hold onto that courage, you'll need it and it'll be the best part about you. Keep up the good work, man. Truly.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you man, I truly appreciate the review and the encouragement. Especially from someone who's walked the Darkened path... Thank you MachinaWriter.

[MachinaWriter]

No problem, man. On a side note, if you ever want to talk about s**t, feel free to send me a message. Felt like throwing that out there.

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate that man, same to you, for real.

[MachinaWriter]

Thanks, that means a lot. Really.

[Sacha Davison]

This is a very personal story. The raw intensity of the tale makes the reader draw in a breath of frigid air. Keep up the amazing work, brother.

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate it bro, thanks a lot. I'm glad I'm not in that state any more...