An Inch From Death (Writing)

This is true and it took a lot to write about...

WARNING: I didn't make the 'audience setting' 'mature', but this is a story about a time I was about to kill myself at the end of my addiction. It clearly ends nicely, but I go in to detail. Contains drugs, coarse language, and mature content.

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I sit alone.

Waiting...

Anticipating their arrival.

Three shells on the table, two lines of coke, and my cigarette in the ash tray;

I hold the shotgun with a feeling of complete emptiness.

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I lost it all, I fell harder than ever,

Then I realized I needed to make it right.

So I admitted myself to detox.

Then what did I do?

I left early. 

Because while I was in there, the guy who left this hopeless, unstable coke head alone with a shotgun, was held up at gun point while three guys rushed in to his house, trashing it to s**t and stealing everything they could.

So I left detox to be there for my 'brotha'

My 'boys'

Strapped and ready to retaliate with a raging vengeance.

I mean, they took his PS3...

It was where he had stored the only pictures of his dead son.

I felt bad for the guy.

And of course, the coke I was supplied kept me loyal...

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I take a line with a metal tube that goes with my tattoo machine.

I sniff deep.

Tasting the coke in my throat;

Savoring it and welcoming the numb.

I begin to...

Weep.

I've fallen so many times...

Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.

This me.

I grab the cigarette from the ash tray and light it.

The shotgun is resting on my lap.

I'm slouched in defeat.

I'm done.

I'm spent.

I really don't want my daughter to know me or see me as what I am now.

What I've always really been...

For nine f*****g years I've been sad...

Feeling a void I need to fill.

Finding escape at every turn.

I take a look at the shells and weep harder...

The handle of the shotgun is resting on the ground now.

I lean back and bring it close to examine it.

I can't shake this pain. 

Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I crack the gun open and stare down the empty barrels.

Then aim my sight at the shells on the table. '

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm screaming inside and out, why do I have to be the way I am.

What is wrong with me?

A wave of depression like I have never experienced washes over my soul.

This is it.

This is the end.

I have to do this for my family, she will find the right man to raise my daughter...

I know she will.

I'm not him...

I'm nothing. 

Just a piece of s**t!

A complete waste of space causing everyone grief...

They all want to see me do good, but when have I ever for long?

I grab one of the shells on the table and stick it in the left barrel of the open 12-gauge.

I'm ready to end this.

Now...

I slam the gun shut, making my heart jump...

I stick the butt of the shotgun on the floor, reaching past it to take that last line. 

The white powder kicks my head back, and I sniff as deep as I can to get the most of it.

I feel cold, but I'm sweating.

I'm shaking and the palms of my hands and feet are soaked.

I move the shotgun ahead so I can angle it in to my mouth.

Everyone deserves better

I don't deserve this suffering. 

I can't stand it any longer.

I hate life SO F*****G MUCH!

I open my mouth, c**k the shotgun, and tilt it towards my brain.

The cold steel pushes fear through my teeth.

I place my thumb on the trigger...

Just an inch away.

As another tear rolls down my face,

And snot from coke reaches the barrel.

I realize in that moment of time

That I don't want to die...

I just want to be happy.

Author's Note

This is a true story and it was kind of weird and hard to write about. After this event I readmitted myself to detox and have been clean for 4 months now... I just wanted happiness, and I worked on getting it. I am currently clean, happy, and content with life! An inch from death can change your out look sometimes I suppose.

Reviews

[Wordaddict99]

I feel horrid that this happened to you, and it made me think of when I tried to kill myself. I've gotten it, sort of, but what you have been through is much worse.

[Damien Davison]

It's just as bad for everyone, the feelings felt are the same... It's a dark and lonely place, you look every direction to see fog... A lot of courage is needed. Thank you very much for the review!

[Wordaddict99]

no problem

[Somber Eyes]

This is amazing. It's sad that you were ever in this position, but the writing is amazing. It pulls the reader in and shows them the raw, but honest, thoughts and feelings that go through the minds of so many people. Few (proportionally-speaking) take it to this point, and far too many take it further, but these feelings are shared by a much larger percentage of the population than society realizes; it's just that a lot of people hide it well.

With all my heart, I hope that you continue to find the strength within yourself to overcome all that life throws at you, and may you find continued peace and happiness.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you so much for another motivating review, I agree too many people pull the trigger... I'm hoping maybe if someone reads this, then down the line the end up in the position, they can think of it and then snap out of it... Thanks again!

[Frieda P]

It's very distressing and hopeful at the same time. I felt as though I was smacked in the chest and over the head while reading it, my son is also an addict. It hit home. So happy to hear that it's possible to get clean. I was pulled in by every word and kept on edge til the end....nicely written, keep up the good work.

[Damien Davison]

There is hope. It's just the addict themselves has to realize, and no one else... Thank you for the review!

[victoria]

I used to feel this way...I'm doing ok.....hope you stay strong cos when you try to make ammends with self and others all manner of obstacles get in your way...good luck...great write

[Damien Davison]

The struggle does not end, but it does get easy over time... Sometimes a lot of time. I guess it all depends on your situation... Thanks a lot for the review and motivation.

[Lover Of Words]

Wow very intense part of your life but i am glad you shared this with us it was very raw and sure a really hard thing too write. but stay true too what you worked so hard too get to.. thank you for sharing!

[Damien Davison]

Still working, always working, but the hard route is the easy route, the easy route is the hard... Thanks!

[Lover Of Words]

My pleasure

[Sarah Ramsbottom]

WOW! A test of who you truly are at the core. Its a powerful reminder. Congrats on passing.. congrats on taking life instead of death. Stray strong and stay true to the real you! thanks for sharing.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you for the encouragement, I just knew there had to be something better I guess, and I'm trying to achieve it still :)

[ms. barrie]

This poem is truly heart wrenching, and pretty relateable. eloquently written;

i've fallen so many times...
Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.
This me.

- very,poignant - this glimpses into one's aching soul... and you managed to in descriptive imagery convey all of that/this in those three lines, truly amazing... thanks for sharing

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate that, truly.

[Jack Reaper]

jesus.. just, jesus. and no thats not some religious babble, it was the only word i could say at the moment. i actually just stared at this after i read it, mouth agape and (not to lose macho points) a tear in my eye. ive had to write some difficult pieces in my day, but i turned it into anger and rage to make it easier. i never had the courage to go after it like youve done here. i think you touched on just about every emotion in this one. as for the writing itself, its not written as a poem, or story, or song, or anything really, its chaotic. which is perfect because obviously your mind was a bit chaotic at the time. it was a unique set up that played out to a serious advantage in my opinion. i think bringing this into some kind of poetic flow would seriously damage the power of it. i must also add that im glad you decided to take the steps toward a personal happiness, some of your work is the most inspiring ive ever read.

[Damien Davison]

Thanks so much. It really means a lot to me that I can inspire people, it makes me feel truly happy when I log on to read reviews, thank you again!

[Ana Soo]

I was like watching a clip from a movie. The only difference is there's no background music, lol. And it is really happening everywhere. Your poem speaks about looking forward to a better tomorrow than dwelling on the irony of the present which we can't do something about. It speaks of a better world. Brilliant!

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate the review and you taking the time to read this.