An Inch From Death (Writing)

This is true and it took a lot to write about...

WARNING: I didn't make the 'audience setting' 'mature', but this is a story about a time I was about to kill myself at the end of my addiction. It clearly ends nicely, but I go in to detail. Contains drugs, coarse language, and mature content.

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I sit alone.

Waiting...

Anticipating their arrival.

Three shells on the table, two lines of coke, and my cigarette in the ash tray;

I hold the shotgun with a feeling of complete emptiness.

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I lost it all, I fell harder than ever,

Then I realized I needed to make it right.

So I admitted myself to detox.

Then what did I do?

I left early. 

Because while I was in there, the guy who left this hopeless, unstable coke head alone with a shotgun, was held up at gun point while three guys rushed in to his house, trashing it to s**t and stealing everything they could.

So I left detox to be there for my 'brotha'

My 'boys'

Strapped and ready to retaliate with a raging vengeance.

I mean, they took his PS3...

It was where he had stored the only pictures of his dead son.

I felt bad for the guy.

And of course, the coke I was supplied kept me loyal...

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I take a line with a metal tube that goes with my tattoo machine.

I sniff deep.

Tasting the coke in my throat;

Savoring it and welcoming the numb.

I begin to...

Weep.

I've fallen so many times...

Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.

This me.

I grab the cigarette from the ash tray and light it.

The shotgun is resting on my lap.

I'm slouched in defeat.

I'm done.

I'm spent.

I really don't want my daughter to know me or see me as what I am now.

What I've always really been...

For nine f*****g years I've been sad...

Feeling a void I need to fill.

Finding escape at every turn.

I take a look at the shells and weep harder...

The handle of the shotgun is resting on the ground now.

I lean back and bring it close to examine it.

I can't shake this pain. 

Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I crack the gun open and stare down the empty barrels.

Then aim my sight at the shells on the table. '

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm screaming inside and out, why do I have to be the way I am.

What is wrong with me?

A wave of depression like I have never experienced washes over my soul.

This is it.

This is the end.

I have to do this for my family, she will find the right man to raise my daughter...

I know she will.

I'm not him...

I'm nothing. 

Just a piece of s**t!

A complete waste of space causing everyone grief...

They all want to see me do good, but when have I ever for long?

I grab one of the shells on the table and stick it in the left barrel of the open 12-gauge.

I'm ready to end this.

Now...

I slam the gun shut, making my heart jump...

I stick the butt of the shotgun on the floor, reaching past it to take that last line. 

The white powder kicks my head back, and I sniff as deep as I can to get the most of it.

I feel cold, but I'm sweating.

I'm shaking and the palms of my hands and feet are soaked.

I move the shotgun ahead so I can angle it in to my mouth.

Everyone deserves better

I don't deserve this suffering. 

I can't stand it any longer.

I hate life SO F*****G MUCH!

I open my mouth, c**k the shotgun, and tilt it towards my brain.

The cold steel pushes fear through my teeth.

I place my thumb on the trigger...

Just an inch away.

As another tear rolls down my face,

And snot from coke reaches the barrel.

I realize in that moment of time

That I don't want to die...

I just want to be happy.

Author's Note

This is a true story and it was kind of weird and hard to write about. After this event I readmitted myself to detox and have been clean for 4 months now... I just wanted happiness, and I worked on getting it. I am currently clean, happy, and content with life! An inch from death can change your out look sometimes I suppose.

Reviews

[Chris]

I had friends that didn't have that "inch" that saved you... I wish you well man - quite for real. There's some HARD roads to walk - anytime... but with friends you needn't do them alone.

Take care.

[Damien Davison]

I've known a few who didn't have that "inch" of realization as well... I appreciate the sentiment, the path I walk now is paved for the most part. Thanks for reviewing!

[Renée]

Thank you Mr. Davison for bearing your souls torment at a different time in your life..although you may not feel like it but Strong Man you are ! And your honest view of this moment can make a difference in another's life choices ! Although you can still change to the mature rating..I am glad you didn't ... I am tickled to read your life is different now !

[Damien Davison]

I thank you greatly for the review. I figured I would make my own warning, so those not members of this site could view it as well. Aye, life is a lot different, a lot. Still working on piecing it together again, but in due time. Thanks again!

[Renée]

My Pleasure and even greater pleasure knowing you have joined the world as a work in progress..because we all are ( :

[Sid]

That sounds like a scary place to be and I respect the fact that you got through it and were strong enough to pen this poem. Again there are raw emotions in this poem and I like the way you have put them across so honestly...great write!!

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, took a lot to write about, but at the same time I knew it could possibly help someone, maybe even save a life. Thanks again!

[thisis2]

Wow...I can't even describe how this makes me feels, its so powerful, but I can say I madly respect the guts it must have taken you to have gone through that and made it out clean and happy. Love it.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, I really appreciate your review. I thought I would be able to reach out to people in need, I kept it true and raw. Thank you again!

[Admiral Kirk]

Wow, this is really powerful. You describe it well... I guess cause it was a huge turning point for you, right? Congrats on being clean. (:

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, hard drugs is a hard road. Leads to, well, for me, this. Thanks again!

[Admiral Kirk]

Mhm... You're welcome.

[Not Your Typical New Yo..]

What an honest write. Poems that are about real life experiences are indeed hard to wrte. I never did drugs, but 'm depress, and sometimes I do thik about suicide. One of my poems deal with that. anyway, great job of writing with your heart, and thanks for sharing this honest poem. Hope everything is well now.

[Damien Davison]

Everything is magnitudes better than before. A lot can happen in 5-6 months! Thanks for taking the time to read and review!

[Mia]

What do I even say to this that does it justice? Sometimes I read things and there isn’t anything I can say, but I comment because...you wrote something that deserves to be read and I want you to know I read it and I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon...if ever!

[Damien Davison]

Well I hope I did make a lasting impression, thank you Mia!

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

happiness, much sought after and so different for each of us. I strive to be happy too and have actually been in this place you wrote about. An excellent write!

[Damien Davison]

It's not a very nice place, I'm lucky I was able to realize there was hope... One inch I could not be writing this right now... Thank you for the review!

[adreamygal]

I absolutely loved it, esp the sad-ending-with-a-fresh-beginning. Something I went through too, sans the addiction. I guess we do have such times in life. The good part is we come out of it, and gets close to 'life' much more.

But you did a great act of putting it down here. It takes lot s of courage to do that.

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, I really appreciate the support!

[Strigoikillerr]

This was gut-wrenching to read. Even more of a reality check because you actually went through this. Your descriptions were beautiful, and I felt like I was going through this with you. I know what it's like to feel utterly worthless and depressed. I am so glad that you didn't end your life. This is truly an inspirational work of art. Thank you so much for sharing. I can only imagine how hard it was to write..

[Damien Davison]

Itmade it easier knowing I could possibly help someone that really needs it... But yea to go back and have to relive it to an extent to write it was hard, but worth it. Thank you for reviewing, take care!

[Strigoikillerr]

You're welcome, you too!