An Inch From Death (Writing)

This is true and it took a lot to write about...

WARNING: I didn't make the 'audience setting' 'mature', but this is a story about a time I was about to kill myself at the end of my addiction. It clearly ends nicely, but I go in to detail. Contains drugs, coarse language, and mature content.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sit alone.

Waiting...

Anticipating their arrival.

Three shells on the table, two lines of coke, and my cigarette in the ash tray;

I hold the shotgun with a feeling of complete emptiness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lost it all, I fell harder than ever,

Then I realized I needed to make it right.

So I admitted myself to detox.

Then what did I do?

I left early. 

Because while I was in there, the guy who left this hopeless, unstable coke head alone with a shotgun, was held up at gun point while three guys rushed in to his house, trashing it to s**t and stealing everything they could.

So I left detox to be there for my 'brotha'

My 'boys'

Strapped and ready to retaliate with a raging vengeance.

I mean, they took his PS3...

It was where he had stored the only pictures of his dead son.

I felt bad for the guy.

And of course, the coke I was supplied kept me loyal...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I take a line with a metal tube that goes with my tattoo machine.

I sniff deep.

Tasting the coke in my throat;

Savoring it and welcoming the numb.

I begin to...

Weep.

I've fallen so many times...

Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.

This me.

I grab the cigarette from the ash tray and light it.

The shotgun is resting on my lap.

I'm slouched in defeat.

I'm done.

I'm spent.

I really don't want my daughter to know me or see me as what I am now.

What I've always really been...

For nine f*****g years I've been sad...

Feeling a void I need to fill.

Finding escape at every turn.

I take a look at the shells and weep harder...

The handle of the shotgun is resting on the ground now.

I lean back and bring it close to examine it.

I can't shake this pain. 

Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I crack the gun open and stare down the empty barrels.

Then aim my sight at the shells on the table. '

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm screaming inside and out, why do I have to be the way I am.

What is wrong with me?

A wave of depression like I have never experienced washes over my soul.

This is it.

This is the end.

I have to do this for my family, she will find the right man to raise my daughter...

I know she will.

I'm not him...

I'm nothing. 

Just a piece of s**t!

A complete waste of space causing everyone grief...

They all want to see me do good, but when have I ever for long?

I grab one of the shells on the table and stick it in the left barrel of the open 12-gauge.

I'm ready to end this.

Now...

I slam the gun shut, making my heart jump...

I stick the butt of the shotgun on the floor, reaching past it to take that last line. 

The white powder kicks my head back, and I sniff as deep as I can to get the most of it.

I feel cold, but I'm sweating.

I'm shaking and the palms of my hands and feet are soaked.

I move the shotgun ahead so I can angle it in to my mouth.

Everyone deserves better

I don't deserve this suffering. 

I can't stand it any longer.

I hate life SO F*****G MUCH!

I open my mouth, c**k the shotgun, and tilt it towards my brain.

The cold steel pushes fear through my teeth.

I place my thumb on the trigger...

Just an inch away.

As another tear rolls down my face,

And snot from coke reaches the barrel.

I realize in that moment of time

That I don't want to die...

I just want to be happy.

Author's Note

This is a true story and it was kind of weird and hard to write about. After this event I readmitted myself to detox and have been clean for 4 months now... I just wanted happiness, and I worked on getting it. I am currently clean, happy, and content with life! An inch from death can change your out look sometimes I suppose.

Reviews

[Michael of Gilead]

Well, i will hope that it takes for you.

The problem with killing yourself is while you think you are cleaning up a mess, all you are doing is making a much larger one. I've seen the ramifications, the way it tears families apart, the harm it does to those you think you are "protecting".

[Damien Davison]

Oh indeed, things have never been better. Now just trying to help others through music. Thank you for your review!

[M.E.Lyle]

This piece is a revelation. Sometimes taking your own life DOES seem like the only way out, but once it's done; it's done and there's no turning back. It would be interesting to ask the man who had just jumped off the tallest building on earth what his final thoughts are. I bet he would say, "what in God's name was I thinking." I don't know anything about addiction or about your situation, but I can imagine it must be the deepest of pits to fall into with seemingly no way out. Good luck to you, and smile a lot...look into the face of your child, and be happy.

[Damien Davison]

Yea, nothing makes me happier than staining in to the face of my perfect little angel. Thank you for the review!

[captain]

wow, great piece!
you can always be happy, death is not always the answer.

[Damien Davison]

I agree fully, clearly, lol. I'm a lot happier, a lot. Thank you for reading!

[K.C. Zbryk]

This was an intense piece. The emotions raging the inner thoughts the understanding of the road to this place and the finite details. It brings the reader closer to the piece closer to the author. You make this scenario palpable, like the reader is immersed, right there beside you. This was deep man. Thank you for writing this and it's wonderful to hear that you are in recovery. I hope that all goes well for you and i look forward to reading more of your work.

P.S. The last line is the one thing to keep in mind.

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate you taking the time to read it, thank you for the motivation!

[liberty sheldon]

this kind of stuff just goes to show people that sometimes you need to hit bottom before you can touch the stars. thank you for sharing this with everyone, it is sad, but at the same time inspiring to never lose hope, because you can change things around you, it is you who can make it stop and make it better.

[Damien Davison]

It's hard to go anywhere but up when you're rock bottom. The only problem is, you don't stay up without effort and honesty, courage and strength. Thank you for reviewing!

[Amber_A]

This really good. Really sad that you felt this way, but really good. The description is great.

[Damien Davison]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm sure we all feel this way sometimes. I appreciate the review.

[Con O'Clast]

Thanks for sharing that man, really gripping piece. And respect for cleaning up, the further you dig that hole, the harder it is to climb out. Not many people who go as deep as that pull through, so count yourself lucky! Well done.

[Damien Davison]

I definitely count my blessings. I'm glad I realized it and didn't potentially ruin my daughters life... Just have to make sure I don't ruin it in other ways haha. Thank you for the review.

[Lina Grey]

Suicide is never the answer. Glad you realized that before it was too late, that you cleaned up and you're happy now. Thank you for sharing this, too. Sharing makes it more real, helps others with similar problems. You're a strong man, and a strong writer. Thank you.

[Damien Davison]

For the most part I'm happy. Everyone has their s**t, some people can learn from others... Hopefully others can learn, I've known a couple that have went through with it, maybe if they'd read something like this they wouldn't have? Who knows. Thanks for reviewing!

[Lina Grey]

That's exactly the idea I had when I was reading it, that maybe some of the people I knew who chose to pull that trigger would've changed their mind or something. One can never know, though.

[Damien Davison]

The paths we walk...

[KAOlmsted]

This hit me pretty hard...I can remember sitting on the porch with the taste of gun oil in my mouth, a .357 in my hand...addiction f***s you up, dude...thank god we both have relatively happy endings to our stories. I'm glad to see you're clean, I wish you all the success in the world at maintaining it. Thank you so much for sharing this difficult piece. Suicide is never the answer.

-kimmer

[Damien Davison]

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well, well better. You are right, it is never the answer. So many people think about it, so many people go through with it... Hopefully we can bring about some happiness? Thank you for reviewing!

[Natasha]

What a great realization, staring down the barrel of a loaded gun then boom!--it's great to see that you are on your way to recovery, it's interesting that a lot of writers write about suicide and drugs/death, but some just fantasize about the moment, when this actually happened to you- seems so much more raw and true. thanks for sharing such intimacy with us writerscafe people.

[Damien Davison]

I felt it was necessary for both myself and others that I share this... Maybe help other, surely help my self, and the support I receive is very motivational and uplifting. Thank you for the review!

[Natasha]

indeed, i always say "if you can help one person by putting your own problems and struggles and lessons out there then it's worth it and a job well done"--glad you could share it with us so we can all learn!