An Inch From Death (Writing)

This is true and it took a lot to write about...

WARNING: I didn't make the 'audience setting' 'mature', but this is a story about a time I was about to kill myself at the end of my addiction. It clearly ends nicely, but I go in to detail. Contains drugs, coarse language, and mature content.

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I sit alone.

Waiting...

Anticipating their arrival.

Three shells on the table, two lines of coke, and my cigarette in the ash tray;

I hold the shotgun with a feeling of complete emptiness.

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I lost it all, I fell harder than ever,

Then I realized I needed to make it right.

So I admitted myself to detox.

Then what did I do?

I left early. 

Because while I was in there, the guy who left this hopeless, unstable coke head alone with a shotgun, was held up at gun point while three guys rushed in to his house, trashing it to s**t and stealing everything they could.

So I left detox to be there for my 'brotha'

My 'boys'

Strapped and ready to retaliate with a raging vengeance.

I mean, they took his PS3...

It was where he had stored the only pictures of his dead son.

I felt bad for the guy.

And of course, the coke I was supplied kept me loyal...

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I take a line with a metal tube that goes with my tattoo machine.

I sniff deep.

Tasting the coke in my throat;

Savoring it and welcoming the numb.

I begin to...

Weep.

I've fallen so many times...

Just to be lifted up smashed down by the other me.

This me.

I grab the cigarette from the ash tray and light it.

The shotgun is resting on my lap.

I'm slouched in defeat.

I'm done.

I'm spent.

I really don't want my daughter to know me or see me as what I am now.

What I've always really been...

For nine f*****g years I've been sad...

Feeling a void I need to fill.

Finding escape at every turn.

I take a look at the shells and weep harder...

The handle of the shotgun is resting on the ground now.

I lean back and bring it close to examine it.

I can't shake this pain. 

Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I crack the gun open and stare down the empty barrels.

Then aim my sight at the shells on the table. '

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm screaming inside and out, why do I have to be the way I am.

What is wrong with me?

A wave of depression like I have never experienced washes over my soul.

This is it.

This is the end.

I have to do this for my family, she will find the right man to raise my daughter...

I know she will.

I'm not him...

I'm nothing. 

Just a piece of s**t!

A complete waste of space causing everyone grief...

They all want to see me do good, but when have I ever for long?

I grab one of the shells on the table and stick it in the left barrel of the open 12-gauge.

I'm ready to end this.

Now...

I slam the gun shut, making my heart jump...

I stick the butt of the shotgun on the floor, reaching past it to take that last line. 

The white powder kicks my head back, and I sniff as deep as I can to get the most of it.

I feel cold, but I'm sweating.

I'm shaking and the palms of my hands and feet are soaked.

I move the shotgun ahead so I can angle it in to my mouth.

Everyone deserves better

I don't deserve this suffering. 

I can't stand it any longer.

I hate life SO F*****G MUCH!

I open my mouth, c**k the shotgun, and tilt it towards my brain.

The cold steel pushes fear through my teeth.

I place my thumb on the trigger...

Just an inch away.

As another tear rolls down my face,

And snot from coke reaches the barrel.

I realize in that moment of time

That I don't want to die...

I just want to be happy.

Author's Note

This is a true story and it was kind of weird and hard to write about. After this event I readmitted myself to detox and have been clean for 4 months now... I just wanted happiness, and I worked on getting it. I am currently clean, happy, and content with life! An inch from death can change your out look sometimes I suppose.

Reviews

[Dayran]

In Haiti, the voodoo priest takes a white powder preparation he has made and from his palm he blows it to the face of the intended victim. The victim loses control of his actions, falls around and is eventually totally helpless in managing anything.

Artificial stimulation is something we come across a great deal in modern society. There's chlorine in the water, additives in food, pollen in the air and of course we take an aspirin for headaches. Each takes away our control. To wean ourselves from each one, paced over our lifetime helps. A bit of Hemingway there, old boy. Great going!

[Damien Davison]

Always very interesting reading your reviews Dayran, I appreciate the time took! Thank you!

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you for sharing the story. I sat with a 30-30 on the table for months. Hard to fight the ghost and decisions of a life. A outstanding story.
Coyote

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, and are you now glad you didn't waste it?

[Sir Jaykom]

Excellent way to tell your story. An even well narrated: Dark but with a positive ending. More power to you for being clean. keep it up.

[Sir Jaykom]

An event*

[Damien Davison]

Thank you, keeping clean is gonna probably be a life-struggle, but if I can make it years instead of months I will be a lot stronger and healthier of a person. I long for normality. Thanks for the review.

[Starfruitanimal]

good for you for gettin clean and sharing your writing, i know how that feels (atleast to a great degree) glad to hear your doing well, it takes a hella lot of strength

[Damien Davison]

Yea, it absolutely does... Thank you for reading!

[Tarry Franck]

This is a very strong and powerful piece and very glad you shared. Makes me proud of you for realizing you are worth more to everyone, not just the ones you see physically, but to all of us in the cyber world that are able to read this honesty.
Loved this line:
Why is it selfish for me to want to end my suffering, when you will only suffer cause YOU miss me.

I deal with depression and have attempted suicide many times so I can relate to where you have been. Like I said before - thanks for the bravery and honesty of sharing in hopes of reaching out to others and opening their eyes letting them realize life can get better.

[Damien Davison]

I really appreciate the view, I'm glad you never went through with it... Thank you!

[kublakhan27]

I'm not sure there's much I can say, it's all in the writing itself...this really pulls the reader into the despair and makes it unflinchingly real...sometimes things like this just have to be written before the book can be truly closed on the rough times it relays...needless to say, this is pretty powerful but not necessarily in a negative way...the fact that it draws from personal experiences that were overcome adds an optimistic touch for anyone who is struggling with those demons^^

[Damien Davison]

That's a huge reason I shared it was to show you can climb out of the hole, not lay in it. Thanks for the review!

[kublakhan27]

No problem :)

[†Tracey†]

An inch from death...wow.. very powerful.. Your sharing some raw life experience here and it needs to be heard to let those who are in that same place that there is hope.. I always wonder what the one second past suicide would have looked like...you know what I mean.. if one more thought could have streamed through.. Excellent write.x

[Damien Davison]

I hear you there, I think everyone wants to really know lol, that's just not the way to go about it, work on making life better and stop being a coward, gain the strength and courage you need to realize you are worth something... I don't know it just kinda snapped in me when the barrel was in my mouth..

[Silhouette]

My heart is still racing from reading this. I can relate to your feelings since I, too, have gone through depression. I still sometimes feel like i'm just a waste of space, but I manged to overcome the worst of ot likee you did in this poem. I'm glad you didn't do it and I hope you hang in there.

[Damien Davison]

I'm glad you made it through as well, I wish you the best, thanks a lot!

[Silhouette]

you're welcome :)

[Baby Ricochet]

That's a dark and powerful piece Damien. I'm sure the people in your life are glad you changed your mind. I am.

[Damien Davison]

I appreciate that man, and yes they are very glad I didn't do it. Pains me to even think I got to that point... Thank you.

[morgann <3]

Very good

[Damien Davison]

Thanks!