Chaos under control

Relating to the unrest in Egypt

 

 

A place I never knew, never visited, never breathed it's air at all, never have I drunk from its long lasting mystical river; the one which is said to curse you as if you drank once from, you'll be back again any time in your life.

A place that I am related to by blood and loved ones whom am still longing to meet, a place which is now burning daily for a few years, wondered as I've never seen it that chaotic, never expected it to be that weak, as a child who expects his father to be everlasting strong and healthy, and supposed not to cry.

My bleeding beloved country, the young blood running through the streets, carving the name of the rebellion down each block and under each rock, but who gets the blame, and who gets the reward after all ?

Does that lad that throws rocks on the president's palace knows what is that palace, and who reigned there and what have the walls he'd throwing at witnessed before?

Alas, he is overjoyed with the 50 pounds that he proudly gave to his mother to buy some food for his orphaned young brothers, he went there for three days by now, he made a kind of friendship with the street, the old man who sells corn who always looks at the scene with a cynical smile, that tree which flames every day as the protesters throws 'molotophs' near it, it makes him feels angry inside, he throws even fiercely then as he remembers his father laid on the hospital's bed, holding his mother's hand, his voice cracks and slowly fades, 'what a dirty smelly bed!', that’s all what he had in mind…… 'RUN' : a shout came and wake me up as I looked to my right the security forces were coming running towards us carrying sticks, my feet moved themselves, my hand held on to the rock.

"Until when?" I asked as I grabbed the money and pushed it in my pocket, he didn't answer, I guess he didn't expect me to talk at all, as I never asked questions before, I asked again with a louder voice, he turned to me and said with an air I didn't believe at all "until its over", "what should be over?" that question I asked only myself, and never got the answer.

The next day I went there to start our everyday 'rebel' I had my mother's voice in my ears as she was reciting some of verses of the Qur'an, the verse which had Egypt's name mentioned, and which insured people must enter it 'in peace', peace! I wondered as I looked around, that day I haven't done a thing, I walked behind my friends and watched as if I was waiting for something to happen.

Suddenly a big fire went on the palace, another fire was down the street made by flamed tires, security forces were throwing tear gas bombs at us, which made the vision even more vague, I looked around, I couldn’t see anything, flames were everywhere, I felt scared, my heart was racing in beat, as I looked above, I saw the tree, it wasn't on fire this time!, everything flamed but the tree, I moved without even thinking of how dangerous my walking in the middle of this war, I ran to the tree, climbed it, sat on a bench, looked around, nothing I saw, looked above, I saw a twinkling star, it shine thoroughly through the clouds of night and fire, it smiled to me, filled my heart with warmth, I calmed down, closed my eyes and recited the Qur'an verse over and over.

   

 

 

Author's Note

This is my first short story, so please if you find any mistakes in style or structure please do tell, be picky and mean.
It's my own point of view of the unrest happening in Egypt, as I still hope that the coming will be better.

Reviews

[khalid]

lets start with the structure; you have penned it in a very nice way but i think you shouldnt settle alot of facts as an introduction if you are telling a short story. if you wanted to mention alot of facts, it would be an essay not a short story.
concerning the topic, as a person who comes from the place you are writting about, i believe that this country has the power beneath its lands and it is protected by Allah..im not saying that because im egyptian, i only name facts..a country where Moses has recieved the Tawrat from Allah in Sinai, a country where the worried threatened Marry has hold her baby and got him there looking for peace for him, a country mentioned for five times in Quran and it is the only country mentioned in Quran, what do you think about such a country which faced the Maghol and the crusades? the enemies of this country know what would happen if this country can be back to the leadership of the muslim and Arab world and that is why they do their best to keep it in inner conflicts. you must know how many people who were belonging to the unseated president and they got harm from the revolution losing their positions and ranks..

[Dalia]

As this is my first short story, I found it ok to start in a way of introducing the subject before the story, as I first was speaking about myself, then in general, and finally I related the story to the young boy who symbolizes the majority of people living hardships and difficult situations and only hope for peace, but could be manipulated into a war they don't even understand its motives.
Thank you for reading my story Khalid, I respect your opinions, the ones criticizing my write and the political ones.
wish you all peace and luck. :)

[khalid]

sorry if sometimes i am harsh, but i like to tell my opinions freely

[Dalia]

not at all Khalid :) there is no need to apologize, its better to hear criticism, it helps me finding my mistakes, I shall thank you really for giving my story the time, always love to read your reviews :)

[khalid]

my pleasure..

[khalid]

inshallah everything will be alright because whatever those in the streets are, how many are they compared to others who are trying to control themselves not to let a civil war starts..i dont belong to any political party, i have never thought to be a part of any of such parties and i will never do.but i know what it is going on..those who are making violence know that they cant get anything if it goes to elections so they try to get some benefits or they wouldnt..

[Dalia]

Exactly, I agree with you, the people who creates violence are the ones who are against any development that this country is trying to achieve, I do hope eventually it'll end up well and peace.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarri..]

A very good start, Dalia
I have to agree with Jack on many matters. Also, its very obvious that your writing style is very much influenced by Arabian lit.

Still good one

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

there is some mistakes i noticed rapidly

"security forces were throwing tear gas bombs at us now" consider rephrasing

"A place that I am related to by blood and never seen loved ones" quite obscure

[Dalia]

thank you for taking time to read Adam.
finally someone to point out mistakes :)
as for the first one I'll consider so but honestly I don't know whats wrong in it, I'll do my best anyhow.
mmmm yes the second one is a bit vague to the reader, shall I make it more clear then ? I'll think of something
thanks again

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

For the first "were" and "now" just dont meet

[Dalia]

absolutely right, thanks, I should've known that .
am editing it know btw
I'll see what can I do, this is still a bit difficult to apply
thanks for your help.

[Jack...]

This is so sad and downright scary. As I sit here in my office, watching people come and go, fast food restaurants, cable TV, air conditioning, stereos blasting and singing along, happy faces, fancy watches and beautiful blue skies, it becomes hard to believe or understand the fate of other citizens of other countries. Dalia, my eyes are open and I want to react, not with force but with peace. I want to offer an ear, a hand, something humorous to bring a smile where there wasn't one. Your story is captivating. I am not going to point out errors or anything like that because as I read, if there were any, they did not matter. I will leave that to others.

What matters is this, which you have brought before my eyes. yes, I watch the news and I see things. I am never sure what to believe, but never in my life have I listened to one who has faced it, tasted it, cried over it and hated it.

I personally think your story is wonderful and I hope it helps with the healing process.

[Dalia]

First of all, I am overjoyed you gave my first story your precious time to read and review, second, I do feel lost in translating whats happening out there, but am surly hurt by the chaos that seems never ending and only sucking the life out of the simple ordinary people.
Glad you liked it Jack, you always encourage me for the best and I appreciate that a lot .
:)

[Jack...]

Anytime Dalia