Heart of Despair

There are times that I am drawn by this feeling of uncertainty and fear towards a feeling of despair and hopelessness, but when I think of you and close my eyes and see your face in my dreams I know that things will be alright. Somehow, somewhere, there is hope for a future.

But what is a future without you. I have tried to get close to people, to develop relationships with people, even so much as asking people out on a date or something to that nature. But everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I touch, taste, breathe, feel always reminds me of you. I can’t escape this feeling of longing, of emptiness, this void in my heart that can only be filled by you. It’s like a ghost that haunts me constantly, leaving me no peace, no rest, no comfort. I can’t sleep, and when I do I am constantly restless. I wake up reaching out for someone who isn’t there, who can’t be there.

My heart cries in anguish for the love and companionship of the one it longs for. Tears of sorrow and brokenness pour from my soul, burning like a fire that can not be quenched. For the tears are like liquid fuel to the flame; giving no comfort to the pain of loneliness that plagues my spirit. My spirit cries to the heavens, asking, begging, for redemption from this curse that has been cast on it for so many years. For it does not understand nor comprehend the vastness that separates it from the one it loves but can not have, it only knows the sorrow of not being near to its love.

For each day that it is separated from its love it cries tears of torment that burn down to the soul of the one who carries it within him. Forced to wander the earth, hoping, praying, that someway, somehow, he may be able to reach out to the one he loves with every fiber of his being, more then life itself, willing to give everything up to be with his love for one moment and know that feeling of completeness where the two become one and he knows the love of his love is true as the morning dew and pure as the new fallen snow. For it is at this moment, his life becomes complete and its purpose is revealed into its entirety as the provider and protector of his love, willingly giving everything he can to ensure her security, even to the point that his life becomes the sacrifice readily given up to provide for her safety.

Where is his love? For he knows where, beyond that reach of his, just out of his grasp, like a phantom in his dreams that he constantly seeks out and tries to touch even know the vain of his attempts. Hoping that as each day goes by he might find himself one step closer to reaching his love. It is this, for which keeps driving him on, soldiering forward each day and night, that he might reach her one day and call her his own, and she call him hers.

For at that moment, every thing in life becomes validated and sensible for the purpose of their lives is now fulfilled and complete. It is this dream, this vision that gives breath to him in the morning and life to him at night when he sleeps, that one day she will be the wind beneath his wings….