To Myself

To Myself,

Sometimes I tell myself that I’m losing it. That everything I do isn’t quite worth it and then I feel guilty about it because I have my baby. My lovely baby in which I would do anything for but there are moments in which there is a darkness that engulfs me.

And this darkness is one that I had experienced before. It’s the one that made me color my wrists red and the one that caused me to find my head in a noose. Every time I think about it my heart skips a beat. I don’t want to be convinced by this ominous feeling, but I feel like I’m biting off more than I can chew. I doesn’t bother me when I take care of my baby, but my body feels the aftermath. Plus, all the school work that I haven’t even done, that I can’t keep up with. With all the stress of not having enough money, holding back on things to buy, on being ashamed because we just have 20 dollars for the week.

Sometimes I think I would be better off dead. 

But my baby keeps me going and I’ll continue to love and care for him even if I can’t do those things to myself.