The Quiet Girl...

Sometimes the time comes, when you reach the end.

I think I’ve reached the end…..
There were times when I could put on a happy face and say that everything is okay. Once when I pretended everything was better, pretended that I was better, that I had a purpose, I realized, I was living a lie.

  I know some people think that one person can change over time, that even the most depressed person gets better over time. But I haven’t felt that way yet, I have fallen into this dark abyss of darkness, sorrow, pity, hatred for myself, Depression. It is a struggle for me to deal with, I let it take over sometimes, I lose interest in the things I once loved doing, I don’t care about anything anymore, I think things that would scare some. It has taken over.

I have a plan, to end it all one day. I have a walk through playing in my head all day, even more now that the depression is back. I have attempted to end it all, already, no one knows, well you do now. I feel that if I air it out, maybe people will care, people will finally realize that their words, actions have hurt. It is the worst feeling ever, to feel like you’re not wanted, not good enough, like you’re a toy that has gotten over used and now must be disposed of. I can’t tell you how many times a day I question my worth, my reason for existing.

I lay here writing this, crying, I don’t like feeling this way and I know people will say that my life is precious, that I do deserve to live here, but I can not see to wrap my head around that. I have bad thoughts in my head that I can not seem to dispose of, they overpower my good thoughts (what are those?), I live with these thoughts daily, then I feel the need to punish myself, so I follow through, I do it.

People can say they’re here for you all they want, but when you’re a pile of ashes in a box, will they be there to tell people how you’ve impacted their lives? I don’t think that will happen for me. I know I have ruined people’s lives, lost family, friends, I haven’t impacted people, in a bad way, maybe. I may have been known as the “weird girl” or “the girl who almost put a great guy in jail” those are the labels I’m stamped with. I am “the weird girl” “the fat girl” “the Ogre” “Worthless” “stupid” “Not good for anything” and many more.

I’ve reached the end, I now am shutting down, shutting out. That way I’ll leave with one last label, “the quiet girl”

Author's Note

Please try to help each other before they reach this point.
Let me know your thoughts.