Inside of ME

Story of a girl who tried her best

 

The sun was out again, cascading its rays onto the world immersed in

darkness; adjusting the brightness and contrast. I always loved looking at the sun even though I

was unable to; that was its beauty, so bright and beautiful that no one can dare even look at it.

Looking up with eyes masked with one hand, I tried to catch a glimpse of that glowing sun; 

thick, black curtains of my eyes fell as the brilliance of rays struck them.

My destiny! I always wanted my destiny to shine like that; like a glowing sun.

I wanted to be acknowledged, I wanted to be praised, I wanted to be known.

I wanted to be like a sun!

I struggled hard; without stopping. I fell down so many times but I didn’t lose hope.

Finally, the day came, I reached the top; I became invincible.

And then, suddenly, I disappeared.

I shown so brightly, people around me; they masked themselves, they stopped looking.

The top where I saw myself since my childhood, what I always imagined it to be like, what I

always told myself; everything shattered into million pieces.

I became lonely midst a large crowed. I became insecure and felt terrified because the top I

always imagined was a lie, made up by our ancestors. There was no success, nor was there any

 peace, the only thing that awaited me was pressure, oppression and torment.

My parents who always told me to go beyond your limits then thought I was arrogant; my

siblings who always supported me started to have some inferiority complex; my friends who

were always beside me left me.

Whenever they talked; they faked their laughs. They made up things, tried to flatter and cajoled

 me… act like the most innocent people but with hidden, ulterior motives. In the end when they

couldn’t hide their jealousy; they hurt me.

They damaged my ego, blemished my reputation, they crippled my standing, and wrecked the

whole world I created with so much hard work.

I was abandoned by the same people I wanted to get acknowledged from. Those same people

deserted me. It wasn’t bad as it was but now… they didn’t even care if I exist.

For whom, I had worked so hard? For whom I had wasted so many years of my life? For whom!

Flooding memories grabbed my legs from beneath the earth, draining all the energy that was left,

leaving them worn out as I walked the ragged, narrow pathway upward to the top.

Panting; I crouched down. Sweat trickled down my back, dripping from my forehead and chin. I

looked around as I grabbed a bottle from my bag pack and started to drink, splashing the

remaining water on my face.

I sat down on that uneven ground with my arms supporting from behind and my legs spread

apart in front. Dripping water from my face soaked my already wet clothes.

Filtering sun rays in between waving tree branches were trying to reach to me. Fluffy white

clouds were sliding in the wind across the sky and eagles gliding up there were breathtaking. My

eyes followed them as they fly past my area of vision.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Taking deep breaths, I so wished I could become one of

those Eagles, then I would be able to fly. I would just fly away and not ever come back. I would

be free.

I inhaled a lot of air and held my breath. Synchronizing myself with the flowing wind, I felt so

peaceful. I stood up as I let the air out; put away the bottle in the bag and started to walk uphill.

There was a lot of distance to cover in order to reach the top.

But, thinking of that long path ahead of me had given me despair and hopelessness. The sorrow

then starts to feed my misery and with that my brain starts to pull out all the bad memories I

never want to think about.

Life wasn’t easy for me; a constant pain and a fear of being alive… consumed me.

When was it that I started to avoid people? When did it start? Since when did I box myself in the

head in fear of people harming me?

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I took a deep breath.

“How long will it take to reach the top? How long should I wait for things to settle down; until

when?”

I felt a strange pain flooding in my head, travelling down through my nerves to the whole body. I

sat down as I grabbed my head, crying.

I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream so loud for the whole world to listen. I was in pain,

agonizing pain.

The pain consumed me again; my legs lost their tone. As soon as my eyes lost light, like a

baggage of clothes I rolled down the path.

………………

He snapped fingers in my ear. With a thud I woke up; my eyes following the sound found a

strange face looking at me, smiling.

For an instant, I was unable to understand what was going on. Rubbing my eyes, I looked around.

A golden and red hue spanned the area. Yellow brown leaves from trees lining the path rustle

and fell as a gust of wind struck; it didn’t want them to stay on that twig.

The grassy fields on both sides had lost its brightness and the flowers became dull and wilted.

The gusts of wind levitating the dead leaves would make a cyclone, stacking them in the corner

of the fields.

The sun was about to set, almost reaching to the edge of the world. The rays from the setting sun

 were trying their best to brighten the scene but darkness was also trying its best not to let them

 get the best of it. There were street lamps placed at some distance but they didn’t get the light

either.

Soon everything would be rained on by darkness.

When did I fall asleep? I thought, vaguely, again looking at that person still standing there

 staring back at me, smirking.

A sudden itch showed on my face. I felt… Irritated

“WHO?” I asked pressing my lips as I straighten my posture. I didn’t even realize I was almost

 hanging down the bench.

He smirked, again, looking sideways.

“Do you want something?” Frowning, I asked again.

“What can you give me?” he inquired in a teasing way.

My jaw dropped in amazement as I slipped down the bench.

“Wha….”

“Why are you here again?” He taunted crossing his arms.

I didn’t understand what he said.

My eyes followed him as he turned and walked down the path bordering by old, tall trees with

bare branches gliding in the gentle, dry wind, muffling the sounds of the busy city around them,

marking a peaceful area to live in.

The widened path narrowed as it slowly twisted and turned joining the straight paths on both

sides.

Never in my wildest dream had I thought someone other than me could come here.

But the important thing was, “Who was he?” and “How did he get in here?”

Impulsively, I stood up and started running, following his footsteps but what I found was not

him; a wall so big I couldn’t see its limit. I looked up; there were no stars but a roof. Shiny

surfaces like a plastic wall; I started to move along these walls.

There were no doors and no windows; no one except me lived here, confined within these walls.

“How is it even possible?” echoed within my brain, “No one should be able to chink in!”

A sudden terrifying image flashed in front of me from outside of those walls; an ear splitting

sound; someone was trying to get in; the plastic walls curved inside as the black creature tried to

get a hold of me.  

“Someone’s here! Again,” My legs lost tone; I fell on the ground and curled up in fear. I was so

scared, my heart started to pound.

After some screaming and howling, it gave up and disappeared in the smog behind it. The walls

straightened up as before.

You know in this world of ours, a person was good until he was good to us and a person was bad

if he was not on par with our standards.

I was someone who was not in good books because of what I was. I had confined myself within

these walls because of my fears of outside world.

People, they just stared at me for no reason; they whisper to each other and start to laugh

pointing at me.

There was always that feeling of emptiness inside of me; and the people around me made that

void even bigger.

I was terrified. I didn’t want to suffer anymore but now someone was there… again!

I was chilled to the bone!

“That’s because…” a masculine voice halted my train of thoughts. I looked up with tearing,

frightened eyes and found that same man grabbing my arm.

“You are on the rough ground. How can you not suffer?” He said as he pulled me up and held

me, grabbing my shoulders, firmly.

“Hello!” he yelled as he waved his hand and looked me in the eye; my empty, shallow and

 dark eyes.

 I didn’t have any idea who he was and why was he being so frank with me.

He snapped his fingers in my face again; staring at my bewildered tearing expression, he smiled,

“Why in such a daze?”

Such soft voice and such gentle words, my heart skipped a beat.

“Who are you?” words finally came out. I tried to break away from him, but he was holding me

too tight.

“Does it matter?” His words as well as his gaze were so disturbing.

“Well! Yes…” I stuttered. He smiled again making my heart skip a beat again.

He held my hand and pulled me with him in order to make me sit on a nearby placed bench. He

 then sat beside; facing me.

“So… what do you want to know about me except who are you inquiry?” As we sat down he

asked, smiling.

“How come you are here? I mean how did you come here?” I cleared my throat; trying to act

strong and looked away from him, not wishing my eyes to give away my weakness.

“How do you think I did?”

Being amazed at his statement; I Frowned.

He smiled. “Look… I am not someone you need to be afraid of. But,” he paused, “I can help

you.”

“Help me with what?” I asked in a harsh tone.

“Climb back to the top; to your original place.” He pointed at that mountain.

Have you ever heard of being terrified so much, you felt like your whole body is shaking. I felt

the same that time.

His words shook me up so much; I wanted to jump up and ran away but my hands were in his

clutches. I was unable to break free.

“Why are you doing this to me?” tears rolled down my face, “What have I done wrong to you? I

just wanted a good life; a successful life. Is it so wrong to ask for one? Is it so wrong to work

hard towards your goals? Why you people are doing this to me? Let me live, Please! I beg of

you.”

The tears burst forth like water from a dam.

“There is an unstable box in my head with so many emotions, side effect of my constant fear and

the constant stress I live with. I can hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from inside

of me. I don’t want that to open up. I don’t want to go mad. I don’t want to experience this

anymore. I just want to live a normal and peaceful life.” I gasped for air as I paused. As much as

I tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar.

“I am so broken and shattered inside. My own broken chunks and shreds and now cutting and

tearing me down. But the worst part is… no one in this damned world knows about this nor they

care what they have done to me.”

I don’t know how but after saying all that… and after crying like that… I felt a weight lifted

from my chest. I felt so light.

I sniffled as I looked at the blur image of that man sitting beside me. He was smiling.

“So, what now?” he asked, “What are you going to do now?”

And the first thing that came to my mind was

“Back to my work!”

Even after all that had happened to me, I was amazed that I thought of going back. But what I

replied was, “I don’t know!” and hung my face down.

“You do know, don’t you?”

“Maybe!”

A crack appeared on the canvas; the huge wall split in two.

“It’s breaking up,” I became terrified of that creature. It could come back anytime now.

“So what,” he said, calmly. “I am here with you.” he increased his force on my hands.

 Another crack appeared and the wall shattered into so many pieces. The dull canvas surrounding

 me started to vanished. I looked at that huge mountain standing far away.

“So, tell me?” his voice addressed me. “Are they true? All the things that other people say about

you, Are they?”

“No!”

“Then? What’s making you fear so much?”

“That… I will be left alone!”

“Where are we now?

The shattering sounds increased. Floor cracked and fell, turning into sparkling sand, disappearing

in the wind.

“Your goal was always your priority. You never had friends to began with. Studying alone in all

 the cold nights, leaving parties in order to finish your work, not spending time with other so that

you could be one day successful, you worked and worked all alone.”

“But really! What for? Why did I work so hard for? With whom did I want to share it with?”

Tears rolled down. The autumn canvas was completely shattered, leaving me in dark smog,

again.

The walls surrounding me were no more. I was standing there in such darkness; I couldn’t tell

where my hands were; not a shred of light was there. My fear went to maximum when I heard

that ear splitting sound again. It was coming for me.

I tried to free my hands from his but his grip was so strong. I wanted to run away.

“I am scared, I am scared,” I sat down and closed my eyes so hard; tears came out, rolling down

 my cheeks.

“No, you are not silly,” he suddenly pulled me up. “There is nothing to fear. Look!”

I tried to calm myself and took deep breaths. The sound was no more. I slowly opened my eyes

and looked up; the huge mountain was still standing, glowing under the sun.

The surroundings changed. The light started to eat the darkness away. In an instant, that huge

mountain shattered and turned into sand and that sand assembled to form a door.

“Now, is your choice,” the voice suddenly changed. I looked at my right. I was standing there

holding my own hand.

“Go there and become like them or chose to ignore them and live your life in peace because the

 real success in this world is, how much peace you have inside of you even after going through

 hell. How much you can still give even when you are left with nothing… How much you can

take care of others even when they think nothing of you. Can you still ignore the wrong and can

you still help others.

That is the height of humanity your GOD wants from you.”

I saw myself smiling. “Now you know how I entered inside of those walls. I was always there

inside of you. You just gave me a face in your imagination you wanted to see so much.” She put

her hand on my chest.

“It was always you who stood for herself. Do it again. What you did, what you struggled for,

 whatever you held up; was for your own self. Don’t ever forget that.”

Saying that she vanished and I slowly walked through that door and into the light.

……………..

I opened my eyes and found myself in the room. Which room was it?

Life for me was hard; a constant fear and a constant stress consumed me but a world INSIDE OF

ME always helped me heal.

I didn’t want anyone else because the one who knows me best was me.

When we grow up we start to make a world inside our head thinking that we would make it a

reality and sometimes in that virtual world of our, we get trapped. Failures, struggles, hard work

 and constant stress make us believe that we are not getting what we wanted.

We then make sure to make ourselves unhappy, sad, dispirited, weakened, and impaired by

always telling ourselves “That’s not what we want!”

It’s not people who are making us sad. We ourselves are doing that. No one can hurt us unless

we allow them to.

We have our answer within us. But what we try was finding it in others.

They can’t help us. No one can but only we can help ourselves…

Whenever I was in pain I just asked myself should I shoot them or myself what would make me

happier, the answer that came was I should rather do my surgeries, that’s what I was best at.

Everyone’s life is different, everyone’s situation is different too but Inside of us… there is a

healing door and everyone has it.

Be unique and live your own life OR just mingle into everyone and struggle to make space there.

Choice is yours!

 

………….

Author's Note

Critics are welcome