Snow Queen

Stories are important. Without them one does not know what to do.

 

Snow Queen

 

Little Monique looked through the window at the white world. Snow covered the streets, the parked cars and the leafless trees. It looked beautiful, if a bit eerie, she felt. It was the first time in her life that she’d seen snow not in a photo or on TV.

 

There was nobody outside, she noticed. Before, at this time of the day, there wouldn’t be many people, but there would be some. Her neighbor would be cleaning up fallen leaves in her garden, some cars would ride by, somebody would pass carrying a bag of groceries. Now, everything was still.

 

Perfectly quiet, perfectly unnatural.

 

And yet Monique couldn’t bring herself to look away. She wasn’t sure what she was waiting for—for somebody to appear? For a car to zoom by? Or maybe it was something more? Something she couldn’t name?

 

And then she thought she saw something just out of the corner of her eye. Something black? Or was it just dark grey? She turned her head, but there was nothing there. Maybe it was a dog that run away? It was a bit disappointing. She had no idea what she had hoped for, but it certainly wasn’t just more snow and an empty street.

 

Having snapped out of her reverie, Monique decided to go and have some fun with the snow. She had seen children on TV do all sorts of interesting things in the snow. She wanted to make her own snowman!

 

She dressed quickly, as if afraid the snow might disappear while she wasn’t looking at it. Forgetting her scarf, gloves and hat, she dashed out, her face flushed with excitement.

And than she froze, staring at the sleigh in front of her. A real horse-drawn sleigh made of beautiful white wood, laden with soft furs. And inside sat the most beautiful woman Monique had ever seen, even if she was white as snow. Oddly enough, she wore only an evening dress made of shimmering pale blue fabric and a diamond tiara.

 

Monique hadn’t expected that. Her parents did not believe that fairy tales did a child any good and avoided telling any to their daughter. They did not let her watch anything too fantastic either. It left her unprepared for encounters such as this.

 

The woman smiled warmly at Monique with blue lips and extended her hand towards her. The little girl wondered vaguely why all the woman’s make-up was either white or blue. It seemed odd—her mother always wore shades of brown.

 

But even without the guidance of stories, Monique guessed this had something to do with winter.

“Come,” the stranger said in a melodious voice. Monique had never been told of the Snow Queen. She had never listened to the tale of the brave girl, who saved her brother and why he needed saving. She saw no danger and obeyed.

 

Later, her mother only found her jacket lying in a puddle of melting snow.

Author's Note

If you see anything I could improve in this story, please tell me.

Reviews

[JohnL]

Many thanks for a well written short story. You have used English extremely well - I assume it not to be your first language - and have not become too 'wordy'. You have chosen the right words and put them together well. It is of course a sad story, but a necessary warning to children in this sick world in which we live. Thank God there remains so much good that we can still write happy fairy tales too.
Here are some suggestions - not because I wish to be pedantic, but because they may assist you with colloquial English.
'wore shade of brown' More likely to be 'Shades of bown' or 'wore a shade of brown'

'this all had to do something with winter.' better as 'this all had something to do with winter'.

These are not criticisms - I just hope they help.

A very Happy Christmas,

John

[Lyndie Bolt aka JustRac..]

change: "on a photo " to "in a photo"
"
"But this made her snap out of her reverie and Monique" to "Monique snapped out of her reverie" or "Snapping from her reverie, Monique"

"They did let her watch" to "They did'nt let her watch"

This is questionable: "Her neighbor would be working in her garden" most people quit working in the garden after the first frost, so seeing it is finally snowing, I'd expect that gardening has been done for a few weeks by now. most likely a neighbor may be cleaning up fallen leaves or winterizing a house around this time of year...

I love the imagery of the Queen!
Lynn

[jakelsen]

I like your story, especially the subtle way you ended it, leaving the reader hanging. I enjoyed this, because I have always LOVED fairy tales. Poor Monique. Perhaps if her parents had indulged her a bit, she would not be the captive of the Snow Queen! Here are my suggestions. Take them for what they are: suggestions. This is your work, and you have to decide what is right for you. Good job!

Snow Queen



You say: Little Monique was looking through the window at the white world. The streets were covered with snow and so were the parked cars and the leafless trees. It looked beautiful, if a bit eerie, she felt. It was the first time in her life that she'd seen snow not on a photo or on TV.

This is the first thing the reader sees, so make it strong. Get rid of the "was" in the first sentence and put it in active voice. "Little Monique LOOKED through the window at the white world. Snow covered the streets, the parked cars and leafless trees."


You say: But this made her snap out of her reverie and Monique decided to go and have some fun with the snow. She had seen children on TV do all sorts of interesting things with it and she wanted to make her own snowman.

Try this: She snapped out of her reverie and decided to go play in the snow. She'd seen children on TV do all sorts of interesting things in the snow. She wanted to make her own snowman!


You say: She dressed quickly, as if afraid the snow might disappear while she wasn't looking at it.

Try: She dressed quickly, afraid the snow would disappear while she wasn't looking.

You say: And than she froze, staring at what was standing right in front of her. It was a sleigh.

Try this: She froze, staring at the sleigh in front of her.


You say: But even without the guidance of stories, Monique was guessing this all had something to do with winter.

Try this: But even without the guidance of stories Monique guessed this had something to do with winter.

[Chellie]

I really like this story. I am off to read more of your work.

One fix is all i saw.

[Wildecat]

The imagery is superb,as well as the story.

[dear sydney;]

a fantasy that ties in with todays worst nightmare.
it's genious.
it went together so perfectly.

[Joanna Maharis]

This story flows so beautifully, in addition to have such a large amount of beautifully images. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. However, I'd like to know more about this adventure the little girl goes on. What happens to her once she goes off with the Queen? What are her mother's reactions?

Take Care,

Joanna Maharis

[emmajoy]

A gently woven story which edges its way towards a very creepy finish. Smoothly and coherently written, with quite a moral to it.

Thank you for sharing :-)

[269]

I wish I could put words together like you. thanks for the review and thanks for the read. charly

i like the way you begin the story, showing us everything we need to know straight away.. it was upfront, i loved the childs perspective of the snow and how amazed she by it.
And i love how you conclude the story, if only her parents had told her about the snow queen.
as if the snow queen were a real entity and our children were in danger.
i love the subtle clues you left in the writing leading up to the introduction of the snow queen.
-nice write-
-ST