The Adventures of Gabriel and Lucio: The Beggining Adventure

This is supposed to be the first in a series of short stories that I want to write.

“I will not marry her!” exclaimed a young, tall, muscular elf, whose dark green eyes were flashing with anger and whose light blonde hair was blowing in the breeze of the forest.
“It is time for you to marry, Gabriel, you are coming of age to take the throne, which you cannot do without a wife by your side.” a second, older elf said in a calm, serene voice.
“Father, you cannot tell me my own heart. For I know that I am still too young to marry, and if you try to force me to marry, you force me to forfeit my rank and leave my home.”
“Don’t threaten me, son. You will marry, for you are the prince, and it is expected of you, by me, by the court, and by the people.”
Gabriel, the young blonde elf, turned without a word an walked through the doorway, into which intricate designs were carved into. The doorway led to a wooden staircase, carved out of a single, large tree trunk. Gabriel descended the steps, which took him through the floor and down into the forest. Shades of the greens and browns of spring surrounded him; he loved this gorgeous, magical haven he called home, but now he would leave to escape the threats of engagements put upon him by his father, and very possibly never return to Dougle .
When he reached the forest floor, covered in green grasses and wildflowers, he went quickly to his room and gathered his things. When all was done, Gabriel had gathered his sword, the finest elven sword to be had, for he was the finest elven swordsman, his bow and the arrows that accompanied them, given to him by the Enchantress of the woods, his bag of food that would never run empty, his cloak, and the clothes on his back. He went to stables, climbed on his horse, and was gone.


“I want adventure! I want action! I want intrigue and danger!” exclaimed a small, 4 inch tall brownie. He was covered in thick brown hair to where he looked like a cross between a tiny man and a small, fuzzy rodent.
“You have duties here, Lucio.” said another, who looked almost identical, except for a few tiny differences, and the second was slightly taller. You cant just go gallivanting around The Mirre.
“Not The Mirre, The world! Uncle, I beg you, I crave the adventures that are out there. I could no more stay here in Glaecian the rest of my life than a butterfly could stay cooped up in its cocoon forever.” Lucio, the younger brownie said. “I’m leaving, with or without your permission. I may be your heir, but you’re not my father.”
With a deadly glare directed toward his uncle, Lucio left the room, slamming the door, and walked out into an ancient, towering forest; Compared to which, he was no bigger than a tiny ant amidst 100 ft tall trees.
“I’m free.” he told himself and let it sink in. A smile slowly crept across his face. He let out a loud cry. “I’m free!” he exclaimed over and over again, turning cartwheels, leaping in the air, and doing somersaults.
Lucio then whistled very loudly, and a small bird came flying toward him. “Hey, Jasmine,” he said as he stroked the birds neck. “Are you ready to get outta here?” The bird chirped back in reply. “Then lets go.” Lucio climbed on the birds back and escaped The Mirre and his mundane, common life, venturing out into the world to find the life he dreamed of; a life filled with excitement, adventure and danger.


As Gabriel rode on, he noticed the River Lassian and the border between the Land of the Elves, Dougle, and the Brownies land, The Mirre. He stopped briefly at the river, just to think. He remembered the stories of a city on the border of three of the Lands of Glaecian. He remembered how Elves, Dwarves, and Brownies all supposedly lived in harmony together in that city, but he could not remember the name of the city. Even so, he decided that his venture would take him there. So he turned to the south, and began to travel.
Two days into his ride to the city of Elves, Dwarves, and Brownies, Gabriel came across a forest, dark and mysterious, even more so than that of his home. He traveled on, for what did he have to fear of a forest, he was a woodland elf? As dark fell in the forest, weird noises befell Gabriel’s ears. He had never heard anything like this, and the forest was his sanctuary. He began to become jittery, “What kind of creature could make this noise?” he continually thought. After some time, the strange noises turned into whispering voices. This frightened Gabriel even more; trees were not capable of making this sound, neither was any animal. He paused. The horse whinnied, and threw Gabriel off, and bolted like lightning. He had lost his horse, but still had everything else, except his mind. He saw figures amongst the trees around 3 ½ feet tall. His fear grew even greater. “What got me into this mess?” he frantically asked himself. The whispering voices grew louder. They were all around him. Gabriel shook his head, “You’re just being delusional.” He told himself mentally, turning around to check behind him. “Everything is fine. Its just your imagination.”
Gabriel began to relax, slightly, until a gruff voice behind him said, “You only wish it were your imagination.” Gabriel was hit over the head from behind, and blacked out.


“Go Jasmine, Go!” exclaimed Lucio, soaring through the air on a beautiful bird. He began to hum the tune to a folk song as they flew over the Lassian River. They flew all day long, singing, joking, and enjoying life. As night fell, they came upon a forest.
“Stop here, Jasmine,” the brownie told the bird. “We can sleep in the forest tonight.” The bird flew down into the trees and landed softly on a lower branch of one of the shorter trees. As Lucio looked around, he saw a light a little ways off in the middle of the forest. He leapt out of the tree, landing softly on his feet, and ran towards the light; his curiosity had gotten the best of him. He slowed as he came nearer the light. He heard many voices, and saw a giant, muscular, blonde, pointy-eared being tied to a tree.
“A real elf!” Lucio thought to himself. He then saw a bunch of shorter, gruff-looking, dirty things. Wood Dwarves. he thought in disgust. The most vile, ugly, evil, rude, stupidest beings in all of Glaecian, with the exception of humans, of course.
“He’s a royal, I’m tellin ya.” said one of the wood dwarves. “Look at him, his clothing, his ornaments, and his weapons.”
“His sword is of a quality that I’ve never seen.” said another. “And where did you get this bow and quiver of arrows?” directing the question to Gabriel, who stood there, tied to a tree, remaining silent. “I’m a talkin to ya, boy, where’d ya get these?”
“Only an enchanter could have done this. The quality of the spells on his weapons are beyond the skills of elves.” said the first dwarf again.
“And the food he carries is awful good to be for any plain elf. Not just that, it fills back up when it goes empty.” said a third dwarf.
“That’s cause he’s a royal! We should send a ransom! Do you know how much we could get?” said the second dwarf.
“A royal wouldn’t be here, they’d be off dancin somewhere, and singing to some weird god or somethin of theirs. Why would a royal be in brownie land?”
“Why would seven wood dwarves be in brownie land?” Lucio jumped on one of the dwarves. “That just doesn’t make sense to me. They were banished from The Mirre long ago, and the penalty is death, the brownie way.”
All the dwarves were gazing at Lucio, afraid that this 4 inch tall brownie would bring about their deaths. “So what?” asked one of them, then looking at his companions “Like the brownies could do anything to us. I say we squish him.”
“Your funeral.” said Lucio, jumping from one dwarf to the next with ease. “I was sent here to ask you to leave nicely, before the entire city came after you, but if you want to squish me, go ahead and squish away. You just have to catch me first.” Lucio jumped into a tree, and started swinging, jumping, running, all over the place. The dwarves were all doing their best to chase after him, but soon became too tired. That was when Lucio jumped into the tree the elf was tied to. He jumped onto the elf’s shoulder, unnoticed by the dwarves, and whispered in the elf’s ear. “I’m going to cut you loose, but don’t move. You don’t want them to know that you’re free, yet.”
Lucio cut the bonds of the elf, who did not even move a muscle. Lucio jumped on the branch above the elf. By this time, all the dwarves were looking for the tiny, menacing brownie again. “Hey you stupid, vile, ugly, rude dwarves!” Lucio shouted.
All the dwarves came running toward Lucio and the elf. The elf grabbed his nearby sword, and brought it within a centimeter of one of the dwarves throats. “Leave, now, and I will have mercy on you.” the elf said to them. The wood dwarves backed away slowly and then turned and ran.
The elf smiled. “Hey little, whatever-you-are, where are you?”
“Right here.” said a voice on his shoulder.
“Oh, right.” the elf said, sliding down the tree to sit. “Thank you for saving my life.”
“No problem.”
“I’m Gabriel.”
“Lucio, and I’m a brownie.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Gabriel
“Likewise.” Lucio whistled loudly, and Jasmine came flying towards him at a fast pace. She landed next to him on Gabriel’s shoulder and chirped loudly, as if scolding Lucio for bad behavior. “I know, I know.” He said to her. “But I did manage to save Gabriel’s life.” She chirped again, but this time a little softer.
“Where are you headed?” Gabriel asked Lucio.
“Nowhere in particular. Just getting away from my uncle.”
“Would you like to come with me to the city on the border?” Gabriel asked.
“Yeah!” Lucio replied. “My uncle would never find me there!”
“That’s why I’m going there.” said Gabriel, “So my father won’t find me.”
“All right then!” Lucio exclaimed. “We’ll leave in the morning!”


And that is how Gabriel and Lucio became companions, and how the Adventures began. Be on guard for their next adventure in which they travel to the city on the border, where adventure, mystery, and even greater danger awaits them.

Author's Note

Please ignore typos in this piece. I'm too lazy to go and fix them at the moment. lol.

Reviews

[Atari]

Ignore typos, hm? What about grammatical integrity?
Take this sentence, for example:

"Gabriel, the young blonde elf, turned without a word an walked through the doorway, into which intricate designs were carved into."

There are two mistakes here, but should I consider them mistakes, or marks if ignorance? Well, I'll mention them this once and none throughout the rest of the story, and you can decide yourself.

First, you mention, for the second time in a single paragraph, that the elf has blond hair. I am sure that you understand the problem; it is a bit redundant and not at all descriptive as it is poor.
Not mentioning your misspelling of the word 'blond,' you also wrote the word 'into' twice in a single section of a sentence.

That part should have read, ". . .into which intricate designs were carved."


That's the last time I'll mention these trifles, as you may simply have made a mistake which you intend to later address, and my pointing them out would only be frustrating, if not condescending.

Now, to the story. I'm reading it as I write this review, and the first thing that strikes me as not merely cliche', but written in the most cliche' way one could possibly write it, is your bit about how he's going to leave his home and never return because his parents want him to marry.

Besides it seeming like a weak reason to leave, it is all done much too fast.

It gives off a feeling of, "What! You want me to marry? I'm out of here." This seems more childish than anything else. There's no spoken conflict in his mind, with his family, besides a couple sentences of dialogue.

It would be alright for a rough-draft-- an idea, but not for a real story.
The only reason anyone would understand this is because they are so accustomed to the storyline that they know it without it even being explained.
Relying on the knowledge people have of other's stories is, as I'm sure you will agree, not very good story-telling.


Speaking of which, it would be a good idea to describe your creatures: elves, brownies, et cetera, for the people who have never heard of such things.

I feel pretty much the same about your brownie character's opening as I do your elf's: it was rushed, and seems almost silly.

I Quote:

"Go Jasmine, Go!" exclaimed Lucio, soaring through the air on a beautiful bird. He began to hum the tune to a folk song as they flew over the Lassian River. They flew all day long, singing, joking, and enjoying life."


As some people like to say: Show, don't tell.
Just to passively state that they 'enjoyed life' is dull and doesn't offer much insight into the characters or their adventure. I can understand in certain situations just saying, "They ate, drank, and were merry," but. . . I've had little sense of feeling for the characters from the start, and it isn't getting any better like this.

Furthermore, to say something like, "His curiosity got the best of him," without any mental conflict or statement of possible consequences seems to make the phrase of little, if any, effect.

Learn to place your expressions.

Also, is it necessary to make everything think that humans are the most evil creatures in the world?
If you're creating your own world, then what is the point of making HUMANS the most dispicable?
Why can't EVERY creature have their own 'evil' people?

Whether you're an elf, a human, dwarf, ogre or anything else that has conscious, intelligent thought, you're part of a people who have their own evil and good.


Anyway, that's all I've got. I've made it a rule that, if I find an unprecedented amount of mistakes, rather than keep cutting the story down, I'll stop reading.

So this is where I quit.
I believe that you may have some good ideas, and some talent hidden around somewhere, but you should definitely expand it before writing anything too seriously.