I saw myself,

*TW ABUSE* As someone who has struggled with many different emotions regarding abuse, this was a powerful step for me in beginning to find a way to release the anger surrounding my abuse.

I love you,

But I f*****g hate you.

So much time,

So much energy,

Just for you to sit, laugh, twist, and manipulate my words,

my feelings.

You tell us that you care,

You tell me that you care,

You acknowledge the hurt you caused,

You even have the audacity to give a half-assed “sorry”

 

But you do nothing.

 

You protect so many people,

Old relatives,

Old friends,

Old enemies,

Yourself,

One day you’ll protect us, maybe.

 

Or

Maybe one day you will realize that all you ever wanted to do was protect yourself.

 

The hurt that I feel is you,

But the hurt that I feel is also me.

I have let you hold this f*****g toxic chain around my neck for twenty three f*****g years.

I have let you do this to the people around me,

I have let you give me false words,

False hope,

I have let you live with the idea that you were good to us.

I have let you believe that you are worth my energy.

 

But no more.

 

I have let myself see myself.

I saw myself at the bottom of the pit that you so graciously dug me.

I saw myself dirty, broken, crying

Screaming for someone to help me,

And when nobody came

 

I was there.

 

I built myself a ladder from nothing,

I saw that ladder grow every step of the way.

I saw myself carry my tired body up that ladder,

I saw the cracks forming and the ladder breaking underneath me but I kept going.

I saw myself.

 

And that, that was not you.

That was me.

 

So I love you, yeah.

But f**k, I hate you.

Author's Note

This is my first writing, I hope you enjoy it and it resonates in some way