my brother

written for contest father-son relationship

He wanted some attention

maybe some affection

certainly perfection

was not his to give

 

but he tried to be perfect

while waiting for the verdict

cause he could never predict

when he'd be approved

 

what caused them so much friction

and added to the tension

was fathers' constant mention

of not measuring up

 

Nothing ever seemed correct

but he tried to respect

and take advice meant to direct

the life given to him

 

In the end he chose to hide from

all that he had not become

instead became a victim

drowning in his sorrows

 

He took his choice of poison

which left him finally beaten

and eventually destroyed him

this brother of mine

Reviews

[Sapphire Balasquez]

it's very deep and sad and like... truthful i like the style, watch out for the flow, though, and while still telling the story the same way i'm not sure if you can fix tthe flow or not, and not just the flow but the rhyme scheme seems to be very strong at times and very weak at other times. it would be nice to have it consistent. i do like this though, keep it up! ^^

[[untitled]]

What makes this a good poem is the fact that while deeply sad....you have your own voice and melody and the music of you come out in your poem.

[ganymeder]

I hope this is only a fictional account for you.

Very sad but beautifully written.

[LSS]

I'm not sure if this was factual or imaginary. In either case I can see myself as your brother. The shame is that we all take different paths for different reasons. I hope this tragedy was only on paper for you.
Lar

[Leo Gems]

An amazingly sad story to tell. The write did have a unique flow to it. But for me as the reader, the final line in each stanza had a point.
Perfection was not given.. approval depending.. upon a measuring set by a parent that is unforgiving.. a life given.. and taken.. forgetting that there once was a human being.

A child, A son, A brother.. who now knows by his sister.. he is and will always be loved.

Wonderfullly penned..

[holly]

Not only well written but honest. Beauty isn't always easy. Thanks for posting this!

[Ray Hamilton]

This is very sad
But well written
Ray

[Michael]

Any work the delves into the relationships of family must come from a place of honesty. That is why so few have the quality you display in this work. I can feel the honesty in it. That is not to say I am sure every word is true, I mean it has honest emotion - something we all can relate to. I did lose a brother with a distructive lifestyle so, for me, this is very heartfelt indeed.

Great write!

[Leran Vakem]

A very good piece. Just to show how some try to make someone into someone else.
I have to disagree with Sapphire Balasquez here, the flow and rhyme scheme in this poem fits it. Just like how life is, never at the same pace even if we try.

Good work keep it up

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

I agree this is a very powerful poem. Well written. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[laceyjane23]

very powerful poem! this piece flows very nicely and is easy to follow great job!
laceyjane