What Did I Do To Deserve This?

     I remember the house being quiet. The walls seemed to almost whisper to me as I walked in the door. I ignored their cold warnings and soft omens. Sad and knowing eyes met me in the kitchen. A phone on the counter and fingers tapping as they sensed my presence. Words of concern leave my mouth, covered with a hearty hello. Not recipricated I knew something was wrong. The white of the house seemed to overpower the thoughts in my head. With everything that had been happening there was only one reason I'd be met with sorrow. My mother.

     A sweet deal was spoken of, unbelievable to me. A recording made it all surreal as her voice echoed of giving me up. Thoughts raced and my body tensed in anger and sadness. What have I done? She was supposed to call me, supposed to tell me. I didnt want her to. I wanted to go back one month. not make my mistakes, not mess things up. it was too late now though, the ringing phone snapped me into that reality.

     Asking if it were me, her voice was a cool as a winter breeze. Washing over me and washing away any sense of security. A moment of pause and hr voice was racked with sobs. Fake sobs. "Im letting you go" She said through breaths. A million thoughts and emotions raced thorugh me. I hated her, missed her, wanted her to love me, wanted her to die. What did I do to deserve this? A mother who didnt want me anymore. I answered with an "Okay" that was a little too heartbroken for my liking. My voice cracked and I cursed it for going against my will. This was the end.

     I knew I'd never see her again, though she lied about letting me have a last goodbye. I knew I'd never hear her voice again, though she swore to see me someday again. I knew it was over, hopeing to God I was wrong. She hung up first while I just held the pone to my ear. Wanting to hear how she was sorry and how she wishes she had done better to me. I wanted to hear she was wrong, knowing well enough I never would.

     I clicked end when the phone begain to beep at me, shaken, numb, holding back the urge to scream and fight and throw things. I handed my phone to my dad with a look that must have shown what my heart was feeling because he wrapped me in a hug. An awkward hug that was. I never touvhd my dad, affection was taboo. "You'll always be my little girl.." he whispered. I knew that wouldnt last long. He'd leave me like my mother just did. He'd relize what she did and that I wasnt worth it and he'd smile the day I left.

     I still dont know what I did to lose my mother, the one human who is suposed to love me always. I dont know what I said to deserve to be told to go to hell, or to never see my family again. I dont know what I did to deserve the overdoses and the cutting and the bruises that never seemed to heal, but I must have done something. Thats what I tell myself at least. Maybe if I were better, prettier, smarter. Maybe if I knew what I did wrong I would have been able to fix it in time. Maybe I could be like all the other girls in my school. Maybe I could make people happy. Maybe I wouldnt say suchstupid things to ruin everything. Maybe, just maybe, the walls wouldnt whisper such mean things when its silent.