Full Disclosure

 

I am writing this because I need to, because you need to hear me, and because I refuse to pretend anymore.

 

My reasons are because you need to know how I feel and I hope maybe some of the things I tell ya will help you with what you are going through. 

 

The sheer thought of you waking up terrified me.

 

I know I have not been the most loving father.

 

You accused, yelled, demanded. 

 

I admit in the past when you were younger that I did fly off the handle and on a few occasions.

 

You once punched me in the chest for a D on a progress report, shoved me down over an unzipped jacket, whipped me after telling me to "bend over and touch my ankles" over a bolt, and so much more I probably don't remember.

 

I remember the time ya said I punched you. I can't remember what it was for. I remember it as a hard push.

 

I don't want to remember.

 

I had so many issues with you back then.

 

You threw everything in that room apart and into the middle of the floor to re-clean. 

 

I remember throwing all your things in the middle of the floor and making ya re-clean your room cause you would not clean it right the first time. That's what they did to us in boot-camp. It was a good motivator so I thought it would work for you.

 

You used to ground me for weeks.

 

I was fed up with something and had anger issues.

 

Did you see my mom when you looked at me?

 

You and I weren't this way when you were a baby.

 

You called it discipline and I learned what punishment was. You taught me how to hate myself.

 

You wrote your feelings down in journals or you were writing about what was going on at your moms. I got most of my information that way. That's why I snooped. 

 

January 6th, 2011. The day I started to cut. I did it right in the living room two feet from you.

 

I remember telling you about what s****y clothes ya had on for school and other things of that nature.

 

Once I bled into my bath water until it was a deep red, then I got out and admired my work for a while before draining it and cleaning the shower.

 

 I did hurt you. 

 

You walked away from me when I screamed I wanted to die. You went outside while I slammed my head into the door for four hours.

 

There are things parents should never see. I still see it.

 

Do you remember barging in the shower where I sat naked and teary eyed and you tried to force the glass door open while I tried barring you out while attempting to cover myself?

 

I'm sorry for walking in on your bath that one day. It was wrong of me but again I had my reasons. I could hear you in the tub and It sounded like moaning and not crying to me.I became angry. I remember walking in I began yelling at ya and asking ya what you were doing and you told me you were crying. Maybe you were crying. My only goal was to embarrass you. 

 

That was humiliating. 

There are two sides to every story. 

How many times did you watch that video to know “When it got good.”?

 

In time I think we are gonna be really close because of this.

 

I was as shocked as you were when I punched myself in the face that day. I needed to be in control.

 

I need to know that you love me and believe me and forgive me. 

 

You asked me inappropriate questions about my boyfriend dick. How big it was, how it felt, if it was good. 

Do you really think I was in there to try and touch you or do you think it is possible I was a bit drunk and just trying to make you feel comfortable.

What if I didn't move that night, If I didn’t slide off the bed?

To my knowledge my hand was rubbing your tiny belly. 

What if I just laid still?

It’s possible my pinky and whatever the finger next to it is accidentally drifted below your belt line.

What would have happened to me?

Is it possible you are 100% right about everything? I’d say to you the answer is yes. 

 

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

As someone who grew up with a massively abusive father, I don't buy into this. I think that if an abusive person were able to be this honest with him/herself, then he/she would not be able to be thoughtlessly abusive. It is my belief that abusive people can NOT be this honest with themselves or with others & especially with those they abuse. I believe there might be one or two out there who would act this way, but in general, the parts of this conversation in bold do not fit with my own way of seeing how these things go. But despite this, I really do love that you chose to do this as a confrontation & you pack it full of details that really let us know how deep & how unacceptable this abuse went/goes. You make it feel like the person in bold is still very much dominating the person who is not in bold -- making the "bold" kinda significant to me. The bold person is overpowering the not-bold person here & for this reason, confrontation with an abusive person is never as satisfying as we think it will be. I hope this is not autobiographical, but if it is, I'm sorry this is the case! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Sarah Jane]

I understand what you mean about not believing the abuser due to how honest their parts are, but those parts were taken out of surrounding context that blamed the unbold's behavior, actions, and the bold's undying love which makes their abuse forgivable. It's manipulative and trickle truthing to me. The bold admits to some things, lesser things, a shove, a loss of temper and when confronted with bigger more unacceptable things, the bold one tries to make it seem like no big deal. "Yes I used to hit you (see how honest I am) but I would never try to touch you sexually. Believe me, I know how unbelievable this sounds. These letters were written almost a decade ago and I finally understand that this is my proof of the broken childhood I lived. If you were to read his letter in one piece, you would think he is just a heartbroken father who made a few mistakes but is worth a second chance. I certainly did for the last 5 years. Breaking it up, taking out the bullshit, helped me come to terms with my reality and cut ties for good. And you are right, writing the letter was supposed to be some cathartic release but I'm still waiting for that feeling.

[barleygirl]

My dad used to claim that we, as little girls of toddler age, were BEGGING him to rape us routinely when we rubbed our c***s all over him . . . so I know all about the perp blaming the victims! I love hearing what you've shared here & thanks for having the courage. I'm 63 & I feel as fully healed as one can get, but it never goes away & there's no way to get satisfaction out of confronting a deceiving abuser, in my experience!

[PenManShep]

My heart aches for children who have to live with abusive parents. I work with students who have emotional problems and many have these problems because of abuse like what is described in your story. Some pull through and are able to live pretty descent lives because they found a way to heal and find positive strategies to cope with their pain. Many continue to struggle with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts due to the trauma they endured. It breaks my heart.

[Sarah Jane]

I am lucky enough to have a nice life now but I had a hard time getting here. Realizing that I'm still effected is the hardest. Not being able to pack it away within the recesses of my mind is the hardest. Thank you for the review. I appreciate you.