Black Light

A new poem that was just put up on my author site early this morning.

Like a bad day spent waiting in the rain

Like the feeling of another forgotten birthday

Like the burns on battered wrists

 

Dark blows echoed on the soothing pink shell

Creation flipped by fear

Turning your proudest moments

Into ink smudges

 

A tall light in the cold

Peering through dense forest

 

Offering you a clear path

Through disorder

A sedative

To the commotion

 

Uncertain in your pursuit

But no longer alone

You head for the light

Not once looking back

Author's Note

Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Reviews

[rueth]

I see you are looking for constructive comments, I'll offer a few thoughts in the spirit of that. My first thought on the poem is that it would benefit from some punctuation to guide the reader closer to your meaning. Currently, without commas or full stops, and with each new line capitalized I feel a little confused at points about which concepts belong together. I'll just demonstrate how I'm reading it below and see if it's in line with your meaning.

Like a bad day spent waiting in the rain.
Like the feeling of another forgotten birthday.
Like the burns on battered wrists,

dark blows echoed on the soothing pink shell.
Creation flipped by fear
turning your proudest moments
Into ink smudges.

A tall light in the cold.
Peering through dense forest

offering you a clear path
through disorder,
a sedative
to the commotion.

Uncertain in your pursuit
but no longer alone,
you head for the light.
Not once looking back


I will say, I think the poem could benefit from some clarity in terms of intent. In the end, I feel like the poem is expressing a journey from a place of darkness with a conscious move toward something more affirming. If that is the goal, I think it would be good to examine what you have and decide what gets to the core of that feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with a poem of 20-50 words if those words offer something of genuine experience and intensity. I would also be careful about overusing -ing endings and about maintaining tense as it becomes a little difficult to determine what to focus on within the poem. For example, you begin with 'Dark blows echoed'...but as the poem progresses, I feel like there's a shift to the present. Perhaps something as simple as:

You saw dark blows echo...

could remedy that, so that it's clear that you are shifting from one to the other. Just as an exercise in one person's perspective, I'm going to offer some suggestions in terms of how the poem might work within its present bounds with some tightening.

You saw dark blows echo [from] the soothing pink shell,
creation flipped by fear,
turning your proudest moments
into ink smudges. A tall light

in the cold
peering through dense forest
offering you a clear path
through disorder. A sedative

to the commotion. Uncertain
in your pursuit,
but no longer alone,
you head for the light.

Not once looking back


RE the first three lines, I understand the significance of them in terms of expressing specific ways someone has been injured, but in the grand scheme of the poem, I don't feel they are serving you in the sense of honing in on your ultimate meaning.

These are just my ideas, and in no way meant to be taken as the only way to approach revision. I hope they are helpful.