The Face

Have you ever just had that one crush...?

We played with volleyballs which were solid like bricks and grippy like leather. Over classmates in PE I had an advantage as a baseball player which naturally made dodge ball my favorite game. I tightened my grip on the hexagonal ridges and locked onto the target. Bringing my leg up, I winded back. Planting my good foot down, I jerked my arm forward like a slingshot, hurling it forth; sweat flying from my brow in the effort. Releasing a breath of relief, a hand flatly raised over my eyes in the mimic of a baseball cap, I looked on in satisfaction as the projectile bulleted towards her. I blinked confused, catching the flicker of flames"no doubt imagined"trailing the spinning ball.               

The collusion was surreal. The ball met the face of the beauty in a twisting impact that was all I could’ve hoped for as she was swept off her feet. I beamed, elated for the girl I had a crush on had finally noticed me.

Author's Note

Did you like it? What are your thoughts on the short story? What did you think of the description and writing style? Please put forth your honest opinion.

Reviews

[Veerdin]

Story-wise this is a good little tale. Self contained and easy to understand, while clever and charming in its own little way. I like that.

Grammatically, I did notice the flow of the writing is a tad jerky, though. Parts like:

"Over classmates in PE I had an advantage as a baseball player which naturally made dodge ball my favorite game."

Feel a little too strung out to me, I mean, read that whole sentence out in one breath and you'll see what I mean. Additionally, the sentence structure itself is a little odd. You could better correct it to:

"As a baseball player, I had an advantage over my fellow PE students. Naturally, this made dodge ball my favorite game."

There's a few other instances of things like that which could help the story flow a little better, but for the most part, this works well as a short, two-paragraph (or one-and-a-half paragraph) story.

[Brenda Stano]

The beginning was kind of confusing because you mentioned volleyball, baseball and dodgeball all in what seemed like one breath. I had to sort out what you were saying. But the imagery was superb and the story entertaining!

[Helen Crutchett]

Yep, that would do it! You certainly would have caught her attention and she most likely WAS swept off her feet.......but not actually in an ideal way! LOL

Lively Flash Fiction and a good read. Thank you for entering this into the contest. Well done!

Apologies for very late reply, but life matters have prevented me from coming to the Cafe for quite a while.

Kind regards,

Helena

[Pratik Mishra]

Ha HA! intelligent write! Got to see something new!

[xansizi]

Lol! What a way to get someone's attention! Your description was good- i can clearly visualize your throw of the ball. I would maybe add in a little more about your target- what did she look like before? Was there any change in her facial expression that told her what was going to happen? A follow up from her POV would be good.

If you get a chance could you please review for me? Thanks