We Will Be Eternal

A Story by Diana Taylor

For people who appreciate satire

“Pick me! Pick me!” the reporters screamed from around the room.

The president took his time and scanned the room strategically picking a reporter from the front.

“What are you planning to do about the…” she leaned forward and whispered, “gun problem?”

“Well, I am glad you asked, we are banning all guns and making the country a better place.”

The room filled with murmurs, but it only lasted a second before the cameras and reporters went off again. The president pointed to another reporter, “How about you, young man?”

“Well, sir, I was just wondering about the Constitution…Don’t we have our second amendment right granted to us?” He asked adjusting his glasses.

As soon as the words left the man’s mouth three secret service members proceeded to take him away inconspicuously.

“People of the United States, the constitution is unreliable! Some people believe the horrible Second Amendment means that the right to bear arms translates into a right to carry a machete blade in a shopping mall or to sport a shoulder-fired missile apparatus in the vicinity of an airport. We can’t let misinterpretations lead to more violence!”

After the man’s spot was filled by another enthusiastic reporter the president called upon another audience member.

“Mr. President, can you elaborate on your…gun control plan?”

The president nodded and gave the reporter a smile before she readied her pen and notebook.

“Guns are designed to kill. They have no other function. A world without guns is a world in eternal peace. We can start now. No one will die! We will be eternal!” the president said raising his fist into the air.

Already, some of the crowd began to chant ‘We will be eternal’ although they were horribly off rhythm and not as motivational as the president. Suddenly, from the crowd a voice came through the chanting.

“Wait, what about drunk driving, isn’t that a concern?”

The president looked around waiting for his secret service guards to come but the guards didn’t come and the crowd was waiting for an answer.

“No! Can’t you see that guns are the underlying cause for everything?” the President’s voice became progressively louder and the chanting started up again.

“Wait! What about deaths caused by fist fights and automobile accidents?” the same reporter asked.

“No, No! Guns are behind all this madness. Can’t you see?”

Most of the crowd vigorously nodded and the people watching the program on their televisions nodded their heads too. Suddenly, it became clear to the world. The only way to make sure the world was safe was to take out the one object that was unsafe.

“Anyone else?” the President asked looking across the crowd.

One man stood up and looked at him.

“Mr. President!”

The president acknowledged him as the man reached behind his back. A chorus of gasps went through the room as the man pulled out a gun. The President looked around for his secret service agents that were supposed to protect him but no one appeared. As the man took aim at the president another member of the audience stood out from the crowd and shot down the man before he was able to fire at the President. The President and the man who had saved his life made eye contact for a split second before a thud echoed through the room. The almost-assassinator was stone dead on the ground. Right on cue, the President’s guards came out and quickly removed the body.

“And that is why…” the President sputtered pointing at the man who saved his life, “we need to get rid of guns.”