The Caves beneath New-Cambridge

A researcher is hunting for a rare crystal in the the Caves beneath New-Cambridge.

‘One more sample,’ The cool light of the SEM covered Jen’s face in a technicolor of disappointment as sample 621 yielded the same result as the previous 620- Trace, less than 1ppm.

“Jase? Could you bring me the next set of samples please?” Her voice had a queer echo in the expansive cave, but even the reverberation off the granite walls couldn’t hide the tang of disappointment on her words.

Only silence replied. ‘He’s down the Shaft again, how many times do I have to tell him?!’ Jen jumped to her feet, ignoring the dull complaint of her thighs, the signature of 8 hours at her desk.

 She walked passed the HPLC and Mass Spectrometer, both of which were humming with the strain of constant mineral analysis. Jen did not pause to check to see if either had detected her quarry, but instead moved to the narrow crevasse in the rock walls.

Sodium lamps cast an orange hue down ‘The Shaft’, the loving name Jase had bestowed upon the gap in the rocks. It was the only way deeper, and the narrow stone corridor was barely wide enough for a human to squeeze through. The Caves beneath New-Cambridge went on and on and on, down hundreds of meters, spreading out for tens of kilometres through the hard granite, dwarfing the city above. Jen’s make-shift laboratory was about 200 meters below ground level, the lowest point that the locals would take her heavy and bulky equipment. On her first evening planet side, she had presented herself in front of the Mayor of the Colony on New-Cambridge, angry that the colonists wouldn’t help in her expedition.

 “We need to be deeper” She had told the local Mayor, “The White Tranozite we need won’t form above 500m!” But the purple-faced old Mayor was deaf to her demands.

“The people of New-Cambridge, have accepted the federal Governments expedition order” the Man had wheezed, “But no force of god or man will compel us to mine for your damned crystal”, a chuckle had escaped from Jens lips at this, but that had only served to darken the shade of purple spreading across the mayor’s cheeks.

“If I find the Tranozite, you WILL mine for it…”

“Will I?” the Mayor over cut her, rising from his chair “don’t try to fool me, your ‘Federal’ government will rip the crust off New-Cambridge to get that bloody rock, don’t think I don’t know what happened to Odin’s-World!”

“‘Odin’s-world was struck by a meteor storm,” Jen performed the lie, “The federal government...”

“The federal government glassed the surface then pulled the planet apart to get to your bloody mineral, 20 million people died on the godforsaken rock,” The mayor’s Bloodshot blue eyes bore into Jens violet ones, but She did not look away.

“Odin’s-world was destroyed by a meteor storm that their astronomers failed to detect, the federal government was powerless to assist the colonists,” Jen kept her eyes fixed, refusing to let the lie be seen.

“Bah! You Federal types are all the same! Go look for your bloody rock, but you’ll get no help from the people of New-Cambridge,” The mayor spat his words at her “There are 15 million people on this planet, you had better hope you don’t find your rock,” This angered Jen

“My Rock? Tranozite isn’t just some rock! It’s the bloody bedrock of our Civilisation!”

“OUR civilisation?! Yours maybe! We don’t need your immortality stones here, On New-Cambridge the people are content to grow old and die.” The mayors voice shook slightly as he spoke, “We rejected your Unnatural ways when this colony was founded, it was WHY this colony was founded,”

“Immortality?” Jen laughed, “Tranozite lets people retain conscience beyond the death of their body, but it’s not immortality” the Mayor looked as though he was about to interrupt, but she pressed on, talking over him “Tranozite is the core of every AI, every computer core, those ships in your Port rely on Tranozite to be functional!”

Jen had spent the next three hours arguing with that oaf of a man, but he would not budge, he would not lift a finger to help her.

 

Dr Jennifer Lloyd tried to peer down the Shaft, though a sharp 90-degree right turn prevented her from seeing more than about 60 meters.

“JASE!!” the shout bounced its way down the crevasse, the stone walls amplifying the shrill ton, “Goddammit Jase”. They had agreed not to go down the shaft alone, but, yet again… Jen’s felt a thump in her chest, the shaft was awfully thin, and the lamps they had brought only lasted for a few hundred meters. ‘I have to go down alone’ the thought was less than appealing.

Jen grabbed a hard hat from the floor next to the shaft, as she pulled it on, a hard beep started up behind her. The HPLC had completed its run, she rushed back over to it, scanning the small monitor. Her heart almost stopped as she saw the small peak.

“So, you are here” relief washed over her, “Thank you, thank you god!”. Jen pulled the removeable hard drive from its port and pocketed it. That was all the evidence she needed. ‘In two weeks’ time, this whole planet will be being mined,’ a giddy euphoria spread though her body. ‘White Tranozite, here, on this backwards planet’ Jen was almost laughing, almost crying. She returned to the shaft,

“JAASE!” The only answer to her shout was the echo that came back at her. The euphoria of the discovery drove her on, she reached out a hand and lifted the barrier that blocked the entrance to the shaft. she turned side on, as to better squeeze between the two walls of granite. Her sweaty palms pressed against the rock in front of her, she could feel her racing pulse dancing through the hard stone.

170 meters down the Shaft, Jen’s steady progress came to a halt, ahead was a sudden darkness, ‘the lights go further down than this’ the darkness made Jen’s racing heart beat all the faster. Jen took three deep breaths, reached up and switched on the LED- lamp that was fixed to her hard hat, ‘Push on Jen' she told herself ‘once we reach Jase we never have to come down here again.’

“JASE!” she called again, though no echo called back to her, though the short hairs on her exposed forearm rippled, as though a slight breeze had bushed past her.

   The next 20 meters were harder, Jen was constantly snagging her trousers on little juts of stone. The Shaft had halved in height too, forcing Jen to her knees. More than once she had banged her head on the rock above her, knocking her hard had off.  She continued, crawling and clawing her way down the shaft, every few minutes she would call out to Jase, each time becoming more desperate for a reply. Each time she called out, she thought she could feel a ripple, a slight change in the air around her, ‘It’s just your imagination’ she told herself.

   About an hour after the lights went out, she found herself at an opening to a cavern. She straightened as she crawled out of the small passageway. Reaching up, she switched the LED-Lamp to wide beam.

The breath went out of her as the white light scattered around the cavern. Brilliant veins of white crystals ran Up and down the walls, across the floor and shot like lightning bolts around the ceiling. As the beam from her lamp caught a vein, the light would refract within the crystal, rushing up and down like bright blood pumping through solid rock. Jen collapsed to the floor, completely breathless, she sat there stating at the majesty of the cavern, watching the light chase itself through the veins. She heard it too, silent voices, singing and crying and speaking in a thousand, thousand languages. She couldn’t hear them, but she felt the sound, in her heart and her brain.  She tried to speak, but all the air had left her lungs, so she cried out with her mind. The voices found her, pressing in on all sides, greeting her with song and tears and screams.

It was the tears that filled her lungs, sending jolts euphoria through her body as she joined the voices, and became part of the whole. 

Author's Note

I Hope enjoy reading this! All criticism is appreciated, I'm not especially happy with this, I've tried to include some themes and questions within the piece, I'd be interested to know if they were too on the nose?
Id also really appreciate any Grammar corrections, I'm pretty poor with grammar and prof reading so any tips will be greatly appreciated!
Thanks very much

Reviews

[Alteng]

Okay, next,

On her first evening planet side, she had presented herself in front of the Mayor of the Colony on New-Cambridge, angry that the colonists wouldn’t help in her expedition.

This should start a new paragraph.
Me personally, I don't like you tell us that she is angry with the colonists. Maybe, you could say that she approached (or went to) the mayor with her complaint.

“We need to be deeper” She had told the local Mayor, “The White Tranozite we need won’t form above 500m!” But the purple-faced old Mayor was deaf to her demands.

There needs to be a comma after deeper. I, personally don't like the last line, because again you are telling us the emotion. We see that the mayor is deaf to her words in his reply.

The next line, you need a comma after order.
The next line
crystal”, a chuckle had escaped from Jens lips at this
Change the comma to a period. Start a new paragraph with A chuckle, and you need to change Jens to Jen's.

Next,
“Will I?” the Mayor over cut her, rising from his chair “don’t try to fool me, your ‘Federal’ government will rip the crust off New-Cambridge to get that bloody rock, don’t think I don’t know what happened to Odin’s-World!”
You need a period after chair. Capitalize "Don't". added an "!" after fool me, start a new sentence with Your 'Federal'.
Next line. You need a period after Jen performed the lie.

Next
“The federal government glassed the surface then pulled the planet apart to get to your bloody mineral, 20 million people died on the godforsaken rock,” The mayor’s Bloodshot blue eyes bore into Jens violet ones, but She did not look away.

I liked the expression of glassed the surface. That was a different way of saying that, but you need a comma after it. You need a period between mineral and 20 million, and change the to that godforsaken rock period. And Jens should be Jen's again.

Next,
you need a period after detect, and start a new sentence with "The federal" Period after colonists.

next,
“Bah! You Federal types are all the same! Go look for your bloody rock, but you’ll get no help from the people of New-Cambridge,” The mayor spat his words at her “There are 15 million people on this planet, you had better hope you don’t find your rock,” This angered Jen

Bah! is a great word. I want you to know that.
The mayor spat his words at her (add a period).
Lose the last bit. We can tell Jen is angered by her reply.
And you need a period after rock, regardless of keeping the line or not.

Next,
“OUR civilisation?! Yours maybe! We don’t need your immortality stones here, On New-Cambridge the people are content to grow old and die.” The mayors voice shook slightly as he spoke, “We rejected your Unnatural ways when this colony was founded, it was WHY this colony was founded,”
Change the comma after here to a period.
Change the comma after spoke to a period. This an independent thought and not really a tag to the quote.
Change the comma at the end to a period.
immortality” the Mayor looked as though he was about to interrupt, but she pressed on, talking over him “Tranozite

Dr Jennifer Lloyd tried to peer down the Shaft, though a sharp 90-degree right turn prevented her from seeing more than about 60 meters.

I think that though should be although.

You need a period after immortality, and capitalize The. New sentence.
Period between him and "Tranozite.
Again the line before is not a quote tag.

Next
but he would not budge, he would not lift
Change the comma to a period.

And you need a period after Dr.

Next“JASE!!” the shout bounced its way down the crevasse, the stone walls amplifying the shrill ton, “Goddammit Jase”. They had agreed not to go down the shaft alone, but, yet again… Jen’s felt a thump in her chest, the shaft was awfully thin, and the lamps they had brought only lasted for a few hundred meters. ‘I have to go down alone’ the thought was less than appealing.
Ton should be tone, and you need a comma after Goddammit.

This time on the Jen's lose the 's.
Period after chest here, start a new sentence.

Change comma to a period after go down alone, and start new sentence.

Next,
You need as period after shaft, start new sentence with as.

period after back over to it, start new sentence with scanning. Comma after monitor instead of period, and change Her to her.

Next,
“So, you are here” relief washed over her, “Thank you, thank you god!”. Jen pulled the removeable hard drive from its port and pocketed it. That was all the evidence she needed. ‘In two weeks’ time, this whole planet will be being mined,’ a giddy

Relief should start a new sentence. "So, you are here." is a complete sentence. Period after her, in Relief washed over her.
Comma between thank you and god. (Is the lower case god intentional. That says something about her character if it is.)
lose the being after be. End the sentence at mined and start a new sentence with "A giddy'
Change the comma at the end of this paragraph to a period.

Next,
The euphoria of the discovery drove her on, she

You use euphoria too much. You might want to change this one to elation, or some other synonym. Period after on, and start a new sentence.

She turned on her side. Capitalize 'she'.

Later in that paragraph, I am unsure dancing is the right word. I'm thinking just dance. The 'ing' is repetitious to me.

Next,
170 meters down the Shaft, Jen’s steady progress came to a halt, ahead was a sudden darkness, ‘the lights go further down than this’ the darkness made Jen’s racing heart beat all the faster. Jen took three deep breaths, reached up and switched on the LED- lamp that was fixed to her hard hat, ‘Push on Jen' she told herself ‘once we reach Jase we never have to come down here again.’

Period after halt, new sentence.

Period after darkness, new sentence.

Period after further down than this, new sentence.

Change Jen from jen took three deep breaths to she. She's the only character there.

Period after hard hat.

Comma after Push on, and after Jen. No apostrophe after Jen.

Period after herself, and 'Once starts a new sentence.

Next
“JASE!” she called again, though no echo called back to her, though the short
Lose both 'though's. Period after again, new sentence. Period after her, lose the though, and start new sentence.

Next paragraph,
her, knocking her hard had
typo, change to had to hat.

down the shaft, every few minutes she would call out to Jase, each

Period after shaft, new sentence.
period after Jase, new sentence.

a slight change in the air around her, ‘It’s just your imagination’ she told herself.

Period after around her.
Comma after imagination.

Next

The next paragraph is a bit confusing. You start 'an hour after the lights went out, then she changes her light to a wide beam. Is this the light from the outside? You might want to clarify this a little.

Last paragraph (Yay!)
crystals ran Up and down

Up doesn't need to be capitalized.
As the beam from her lamp caught a vein, the light would refract within the crystal, rushing up and down like bright blood pumping through solid rock.
Would refract bothers me. Maybe you could use the word refracted instead.

By the way, that was a great image with the veins of the Tranozite. I liked that a lot.

Jen collapsed to the floor, completely breathless, she sat there stating at the majesty of the cavern,

Period after floor, new sentence with Completely.
Typo with stating. It should be staring.

Lastly,
but all the air had left her lungs, so she cried

Period after lungs. New sentence with So.

Computers are great, but sometimes it is just easier to see all the markings on paper.

I know this is the last time you ever befriend someone on this site :).

It was a great story, though.

[Alteng]

I am not a poetically inclined person, so I didn't look at your poetry.

I enjoyed this story, and it reminded me of several different things that I have seen or read, but that's science fiction for you, and I am quite interested in the genre.

I thought it was interesting how you took an amoral character as your protagonist, and she got her just reward. I am very interested in writing negative characters.

I did enjoy the tension you built towards the end when you were coming to the climax. I was a bit concerned by the beginning because of the technical talk. It would be nice to know what SEM and HPLC stands for in Jen's mind. I think I know what the HPLC is a hint at.

Okay, the technical stuff, now that I am done with the generalizations. This may be longer than your story.

First line. ‘One more sample,’
The comma should be a period. You have no tag for this line. Another words, you don't have a 'Jen said' attached to it. So, it is a statement unto itself.
Next line:
“Jase? Could you bring me the next set of samples please?” Her voice had a queer echo in the expansive cave, but even the reverberation off the granite walls couldn’t hide the tang of disappointment on her words.

You need a comma after samples, and it should be 'disappoint in her words.' not on.

Next
Only silence replied. ‘He’s down the Shaft again, how many times do I have to tell him?!’

This line has several different approaches that could be taken. 'He's down the shaft again.' is one complete thought. 'How many times do I have to tell him . . .' is the beginning of a new thought. You can leave it hanging like this, or finish the thought, but it still needs to be a new sentence.

The reply is cutting me off. Your going to get a lot of replies from me.

[Raven Moonchild]

MIND BLOWN!!!!! :D Dude, this is spectacular!!! :D Once again, your genius imagination has created a work of art. This would make a brilliant book that I would happily have and read over and over again. This keeps one on the edge of their seat while feeling like they're in the cave seeing every rock and mineral. :)

[wordman]

great chapter,interesting theme,enjoyed it

[Amber]

Great job, thought the writing really popped. Hope to see more soon.

[Drew Harvey]

Thanks very much!