How to Swim

very informative lesson on swimming!

First, never swim alone.

Unless you're too embarrassed to tell someone you don't know how to swim and you're too stubborn to ask for help. In this case you should probably not be swimming, but here we are.

Second, get floaties.

The arm cuff things are the best, though they look completely ridiculous if you're not wearing the floaty ring as well. Oh, hell YES. Look at how dignified you look with all this inflatable plastic to keep you afloat. It's a pity you are swimming alone because anyone would have been honored to swim with someone fashionably forward enough to get shark floaties.

Third, do a cannonball.

You are unsure if jumping into the water is actually a good idea, but you figure that acting the part is half the battle so it can't be that bad!

Fourth, retreat due to having water up your nose.

It should not burn this much but oh it does.

Fifth, return for round two. Approach the water cautiously this time.

Sixth, narrow your eyes suspiciously at the person in the distance who is watching you. You are finally following step one, but you clearly remember disobeying that step.

Step seven, yell at the person incoherently. While they technically can swim and could help you, the risk of them sabotaging you is too great!

Step eight, go forth to them since the yelling didn't work. You wish it didn't have to come to this, but you're going to have to get physical.

Step nine, drown.

In hindsight, step eight wasn't such a great idea considering you can't swim.

Step ten, get rescued by a mermaid.

You don't remember anyone ever mentioning this as a part of learning how to swim but you just almost died and the mermaid is super pretty and wow the sunlight behind them looks like a halo you are a little distracted.

Step eleven, converse with the mermaid.

Maybe she can teach you how to swim.

Step twelve, ignore the fish breath and subtle joke about your floaties.

You do this mainly because you're interested in smooching the mermaid.

Step thirteen, pretend not to be 100% thrilled when she offers to teach you how to swim.

You aren't sure if you pulled that off, but she doesn't seem to be onto you for the time being.

Step fourteen, completely disregard this tutorial since you now have an instructor!

Good luck!