The First Mixed Tape

Finding what was lost only to realize it was always there. The power of music in my life.

Sometimes the best gifts can be regifts.

 

While in New Jersey for Christmas this past year I was helping my dad move some boxes around in the basement and came across a carrying case full of cassettes from my high school days. Some were my brothers', but most were mine. As I dug through them, I realized I must have thought I liked R.E.M more than I did (I actually like R.E.M. a lot now, I just think I didn’t quite understand them enough then) and that music was just better than. I discover in the bunch a Maxell UR90 cassette labeled on the outside - “fancy cover will go here when I’m feeling creative enough! MHP.”

 

My wife, Meg loved making mixed tapes. Every year since she passed away, I have been making a #VirtualMixedTape for her birthday. She was always a tough one to buy presents for and I already make a couple of donations a year in her honor based on experience we shared, so this seems like the best way to remember her. Taking what I believe is the 90s kids love letters, the mixed tape, but now sharing it digitally across the social media universe. It has become both a form of therapy and a way of sharing our life, our memories and a love of music in her honor.

 

And so, this “blast from the past” appears. Hidden in a dusty black with lime green zipper carrying case, long ago fallen behind boxes of old shirts, trophies and books; basically, childhood on hold, is a mixed tape, one of many she made for me during our “courting years.” Each was designed to “add some culture and provide a wider knowledge of the various types and genres of music in the world” - that from one of the letters that came with each tape explaining why each song was included.

 

I assumed this one was from much later in our relationship based on the lack of "cover art" for the case, as the cover art was generally as well thought out as the songs included in the mix. I took it, and the ones by R.E.M., Spin Doctors, Nine Inch Nails and Def Leppard, packed it in a box along with some other Christmas gifts, a couple of old Matchbox cars that had also been discovered in the cleaning, and sent it back to my new home. I then promptly forgot about it and continued my journey for another couple of weeks (there are some perks to working remote).

 

When I finally did arrive home, I collected the backlog of mail, including the box of mismatched good and it was like Christmas all over again! Rediscovering what I had sent myself. I pulled out the group of cassettes and immediately decided to play the mixed CD. 

 

I removed the cassette from the case and checked to make sure the tape itself was still glued in and briefly looked over the song list handwritten on the inside cover. “Not the most inspired mix” I thought. But as I was walking over to the player my Sherlock Holmes detective skills kicked in and I noted:

 

1)      Since the mix had no cover art I realized the case was a Fuji Extraslim case - supposed to be great for carrying more of them around, but in reality was awful because they were smaller than all the cassette holders ever made, so all they really did was rattle around more! This also meant that the little handwritten label on the cassette was tucked up in the top of the case and not visible from the outside.

2)      The as noted earlier the cassette itself was a Maxell brand.

 

While this may seem total normal for anyone who has ever made a mixed tape that was not Meg’s style.  A new cassette was always used for creating a mixed tape, so the case and the cassette would always be a match.

 

I should note here that I still have three of the mixed tapes that I made her. But up until this point I had none of the cassettes she made me. I do have most of the letters spelling out the songs, but not the physical cassettes.  This is most likely due to the fact that I played the ones she gave me until they gave up or got smashed from traveling everywhere with me. And there is also the fact that mine were never very good and I’m sure she put them on a “safe space” and never really listened to them after the first pass!

 

I flipped the physical cassette over in my hand to reveal the A-Side label. All it said Christmas 1994! This was not the correct cassette for this case. (Wasn’t that always the worst my fellow 80s and 90s kids when you’re running out of the house and make that all important road-trip level selection of a tape only to discover the wrong one was in the case you grabbed and you were then stuck with the radio!). No - this was THE FIRST MIXED TAPE. The OG. The Kasey Kasem Year End Top 40.  This was must listen to music!

 

I shoved it in the player!

 

Two things became immediately apparent:

 

1) She was really, really good at the mix tape creation.

2) She knew our relationship at that point better than I did.

 

As I listened I could hear her talking to me. Each song that came on was a surprise, as this was one of the cassettes that I lost the letter that goes with it, each tune a little gift. I saw all the things that happened since I unwrapped it in 1994, all the milestones, so many of the achievements. It seems, in hindsight, of course, that our life together was laid out in songs on two 45 min sides of a simple cassette tape. This group of song would be the soundtrack to a movie about our lives. And, in some cases I think, a guide to my own future now.

 

Some of the items I have found, as I have been “moving on” over the course of the past three years have truly made me sad, made me miss everything that was, that we had. And when I need a good cry, I can pull some of those out. But this is not one of those. This is pure joy. This is what young love is and what the promise of the unknown tomorrow should be - hope, anxiety, passion, learning, planning, changing, growing. This represents what came be when we (still) dare to be dreamers.

 

This cassette is a survivor and because of it I know I will be too.

 

I will keep making her mixed tape every year, as long as the music keeps speaking to me (I actually like to think I am getting better at them now) and I guess in her own way she is still making me some to. And giving me a gift when I need it most.

 

#happymemories #MegsVirtualMixedTape #cassetteLove #daretodream #younglove

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

This is a beautiful tribute to your late wife and all the more meaningful because this is something that you have chosen to do every year in memory of her. As a child of the 80's myself, I am fondly aware of the hours upon hours spent making these mix tapes. Then, the CD's came along. I cannot tell you how many boxes of cassette tapes I threw away. Those were the days!