Birthday

An idea for a birthday card.

So Gentleman, Ladies, It's been one more year

some how, once again, we find ourselves here

lets take a breath between tears , and a bow for the cheers

And here's to two steps forward for every step back

May we never want for the things that we lack

And while striving to accept our mortality

May we never settle for immorality

To predestination and freedom of choice

Being a team while still having a voice 

I hope your next year will yield even more

Another one of opportunity's doors is in store

And all of these grand things lead to what I'm trying to say

But all of these words can be simplified but in one pure way 

Best wishes, my dear friend, and Happy Birthday

Reviews

[Skye Fields]

Someone tell me why they don't make cards like this.

This is wonderful and unusual. It's cliche in a creative way, and I mean that as a high compliment! You have some very poignant lines, like "Being a team while still having a voice." I like the atmosphere, too--formal and bittersweet, a speech you'd give in Carnegie Hall or sometime in a century of yore.

"While accepting our mortality, never settling for immorality," is quite a mouthful and breaks the meter. Consider revising.

There are some other places where this piece seems unnecessarily wordy. Read over it and try to trim it down to smooth metrical perfection. It's close.

Anyway, very sweet. Nice to see someone's putting soul into birthday cards.

[deeps]

To predestination and freedom of choice
Being a team while still having a voice
I hope your next year will yield even more
Another one of opportunity's doors is in store

Such lovely words here, this whole write is
amazing,