Torn

My tears explode and shatter

To fall around me like glass shards.

As sharp as unused razorblades,

As translucid as dreams

-- They descend --

As they fall they rend flesh

until they tinkle about my feet.

Salty bitterness and blood pools up

As more tumbles down

 -- I descend --

I’m cut to pieces

As if the blood had ruptured forth

From within my pounding chest,

and in this moment

I am not real

-- Further and further --

The screaming in my head 

is now a silent, deadly drone 

That drowns out all else.

With just that sound

Accompanying me

I sink into

Reverie.

Author's Note

Version 2: Trying to improve on the weak ending. Also, the style.

Reviews

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

This is a very intense poem, filled with pain. I couldn't help but notice one line that took away from that effect a little. Instead of "Until they tinkle about my feet" I think it would fit the poem more if it was "Until they trickle down my feet." This is just what I would do.

Good Job

[Pale Rose]

I can see that change, yeah. I probably won't change it but thanks for the input! I really mean it, it's nice to have such positive feedback! :D

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

haha yeah thats ok just my opinion..and no problem

[KeeD]

Intense, gripping and beautifully presented. It has vivid imagery and I love the way the stanza pauses then flows and pauses again only to be completed with such a drowning calmness. Great write, hope you win the contest, deserve to with this piece.

[Pale Rose]

Wow, thanks! I would definitely be happy to win the contest, but I'm already happy that you like it! :D

[vspjaguar]

To describe your poem precisely, it was a deep,emotional,creative and well structured poem. thanks for sharing.

[Pale Rose]

Thank you!!

[Liz]

I love the way you outlined this. I think that many writers will be able to relate to this poem, I know i could! Great job(:

[kollaboratyve]

This poem has a solid construction. I enjoyed the sensory imput it gave as I read it. I'm impressed at the flow of the words, and the thought connection. Your writing is very intentional, and I feel that your creativity will balance off your knowing how to structure the mechanics of poetry in future writings. You have some stong metaphors that set the tone of the poem . The imagery allows you to see the situation unfolds right before your eyes. Overall, this is a good work! I hope to read more poems and and/or stories written by you.