Love Poem

funny love ode to wife

“Be still my heart! I assumed the only art was painted! My wiener just fainted! My luck my butt-cheeks will part and I’ll fart as we get acquainted! We’ll ask the zoo what you are fed. Lol no, but your looks could raise the dead…” into the mic I said.

“For you I would endure the smelliest fart, or ride a 200ft wave in a grocery cart. Poke my wiener in a hive of bees, use it against a sword in a duel, or have it whipped...for stealing a balloon or a paperclip! Set my balls on fire, or squeeze 'em with pliers. Play soccer with a bowling ball, or tennis with a grenade. Sprinkle my head with lice and tighten it in a vice ‘til I can’t think straight. Get cannonballed on by a fat lady after I just ate. Give a mentally challenged guy some ‘coke’. After giving you a dollar store ring, at the altar say it was all just a joke. Spring a mousetrap on my tongue, have to eat a huge pile of dung, or a lit cig, nails, or a snail. Reject acceptance to Yale. Face a tornado in a tent. Sell my soul for a cent, or all my roomie’s stuff, because winning millions wasn’t enough. Purposely lose my millions in a bet, then take my pet gnat to the vet. Rob a bank for a dollar bill, so I can leave it for you in my will!”

“After months of painting, this guy in a mirror tells me it was the wrong color! So In a straitjacket clown suit I crashed this mafia boss’s wake. Rode my ‘Slip and slide’ into the cake and then ate it off the ground with a rake. Burped that ‘He sucked anyway and was a fake’, and “Goddamn he smells!”, and prayed he gets itchy warts up his a*s in hell. Confessed to his murder while farting on his corpse, gave the chef the thumbs down, and threw food at the widow’s gown. Dry humped her with a muppet while it called her a ‘ho’. Played the church organ upside down with my toes, and used a flimsy stick to pole vault away with trash lid shoes in slow-mo.

His boys drove over my tongue, fed me tar, made me lick a pooping porcupine, brushed my teeth with a mop, and had me tased ‘til I drooled by a cop. Used my face as a hockey goal, bowling pin, golf club, and a baseball bat, and then skied me in a body cast off a cliff. I then found the parachute was made of bricks. By faking my death a muppet and me were able to be incognito at my own eulogy!