Scars

She sat on me and gently pushed me down on the bed. I smiled at her. I couldn’t keep a smile from her. Not her. She was way too breathtaking to keep a smile hidden. She smiled back and it melted my heart. I swallowed hard.

She ran her hands down my face and her fingers over my lips. I saw her bite hers.

“You know, I’ve always loved the way your lips move when you talk. I love watching them move.” See, I couldn’t keep a smile hidden. She melted me with her words. I looked up at her wanting her lips on mine. But we were playing a game in which I could only talk when she asked me a question. She ran her hands down my chest slowly. Then she reached over and took my hands, placing them above my head. I kept quiet and listened for her next question.

She looked over my arms finding my very first scar. She ran her gentle fingers over it tracing the one word that was scared there.

“Why.” She said. “Tell me. What about that one?” I turned my head over to see my scar and I remember very clearly the day that scar bled my pain. My first scar. Who can forget the pain of their past?

“Why.” I said. “Why is the question I believe nobody can answer. It is the question that is asked the most in life.” She looked down at me with a sad smile. Her fingers still traced my scar.

“But with Why the truth is very bold and I believe that the reason nobody can answer it is because they are scared of what the truth will reveal.” She nodded at me, the smile disappearing. She ran her hands up my arms and held them in mine. She motioned for me to continue.

“I carved it on my skin to remind of what I can not hide from. I wanted all the pain to go away. I wanted to know the reason my life was so painful at that moment. But the emotional pain only went away while the physical was present.” I looked into her eyes, pleading. “Why, babe? Why me?”

She smiled and kissed me tenderly. “Because your heart called out to mine.” I leaned up to kiss her again but she pulled away shaking her head. “I get to ask the questions.” She said. Oh yeah, the game. I wanted her lips back on mine. I was done playing this game. I just wanted her kisses so I can stop remembering. So I could get lost in her and all her love that enveloped me.

But she let my hands go instead and ran her fingers through my hair. It was one of her favorite things to do. And I wouldn’t complain one bit. I craved her touch so she could keep her hands on me all she wanted. Which she did. So we were both happy in some way.

“Baby.” She whispered. Then she laid her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her holding her. I wonder if she could hear my heart beat for her. I never wanted this moment to end. I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes breathing every part of her in.

She was too perfect for someone like me. And with all the questions she had just asked, I felt tainted. Yeah, we both had our demons but none of that mattered when she was tightly tucked in my arms. None of it mattered when she was with me. I loved her even more after she confided her past in me. People make mistakes. But they don’t define who you are. They don’t define what is really inside. I believe people make mistakes because they are afraid of being themselves; being rejected by this imperfect world. A rotten world that hides behind masks of faux perfection.

I felt her take a breath and I held her tighter. I don’t think she wanted this moment to end either. How I got her, is beyond me. But I’m glad I did.

“Is the game over?” I whispered. I shouldn’t have. Because she jolted up and narrowed her eyes giving me a wide smirk.

“I ask the questions, remember?” I nodded and pulled her to me. I needed a kiss. She was just too cute. My mind was over here thinking, ‘Girl, can you just kiss me already.’ She kissed me back. She didn’t deny me that one. Then she lifted herself back up. Game time again. I took a deep breath.

“Relax, baby. Just one more. I want to trace all your scars until the pain goes away. Forever.” One more. Ok.

She placed both her hands on my cheeks and kissed me. “My wonderful baby.” She kissed me again and smiled. She ran her hands down my cheeks and onto my neck. I closed my eyes to feel her touch on my skin.

She reached for the button of my shirt and she unbuttoned it. I swallowed hard. No, not those scars. I quickly reached over to grab her hands from unbuttoning any more buttons. But she pushed me away.

“Babe...” I pleaded. I sat up with my hands resting on the bed. She shook her head and gently pushed me back down. My heart started racing. I didn’t want her to ask that question. Not that one. I was too ashamed of what would come next. ‘Cause I knew. I knew.

She unbuttoned the next one, then the next until she got to the last one. She opened my shirt and looked down. I turned away, closing my eyes. I felt her fingers run through every single scar. Too many to count. I had lost count a long time ago. But the last one was 5 years old.

Above my heart were lines scarred across it. They filled the left side of my chest. Some were so thin. But others were so thick they over lapped with thinner ones. She kept tracing each single one. I looked into her eyes but they were just lost in wonder. Wonder and sadness.

“Baby...” I said again. She looked up at me and placed a finger over my lips. I closed my eyes willing her not to ask this one question. I wasn’t afraid of the why. I was afraid of the one that followed. She was too curious of a person not to ask that second question. I swallowed hard again because I knew it was already here.

“What happened?” She looked down at them and then over at me.

“Can we just...” I couldn’t finish because she shook her head.

“I’m still gonna love you.” She said. How could I refuse that?! Like, that just turned my shame to guilt. Guilt for not trusting her with my past. Guilt and shame. All together into one big ball of a knot starting itself in the pit of my stomach. But it wasn’t what happened with them a long time ago. It was the here and now. The answer that would break her heart. Because if it was me, I’d ask the same question too.

I looked deeply into her eyes and I could see that my silence was bringing about her pain. Stupid me. I took a deep breath and said,

“Each line is for every lie I told.” I saw the wheels turn in her head. She stopped tracing my scars and her lips tightened just a little. And I saw it. Like a speeding train that couldn’t stop. I saw it. I saw the moment that I was too ashamed to admit.

“Have you ever lied to me?” Train wreck. I turned away from her. I tried to swallow myself into my shame. I couldn’t look at her. I just couldn’t. Why couldn’t she had just left that alone. Those scars, mainly. Silence once more. How could I forget that silence was the biggest lie of them all. Silence was the thickest of the scars. But none of those scars were for her. We all lie. It was human instinct.

I felt vulnerable. She was seeing right through me. Waiting. Waiting for me to break her heart. Because before she asked that question, she too already knew the answer. So if she knew and I knew, why did I have to tell her? ‘Because I want to hear you say it.’ She’d say.

I hated this moment. Couldn’t we just go back to when I held her and she wouldn’t hate me? But her words rang deep in my head, ‘I’m still gonna love you.’ Would she? Would I? I looked down. This wasn’t part of the game. She cheated.

“Yes.” I admitted. Every lie I ever told her ran through my head. Just like every lie she ever told me. Because I knew the lies she’d told me. But I’d never ask that of her. It was enough that I knew.

She released the breath she was holding and closed her eyes tightly. She stayed like that for a while. I was afraid to say anything else. I was afraid to make everything worse. I was thinking of ways to plead my case. But I felt like if she was slipping through my fingers.

Finally, she opened her eyes and smiled. Tears running down her cheeks. She looked down at me and I reached over to wipe her tears away.

“I forgive you.” She said. Just like that. Um, what? She must have seen the puzzled look on my face because she repeated it again.

“I forgive you, baby.” Um, yeah, what? She wrapped herself into my chest and pulled my arms over her. I held her, perplexed.

“How can you just forgive me like that?” She looked up at me. She was so beautiful.

“You were brave enough to admit it. Love conquers all, babe.” I held her tighter as she cuddled into my arms.

“You cheated.” I told her. She laughed.

“Don’t push your luck.” She raised an eyebrow and with that, she kissed me. And the pain was gone.