Angel

     My family is a bit strange. As I touched on before, my parents are a bit negligent towards me. To be blunt, all they care about is what one would call "fleshly desires." Put simply, they're not only obsessed with each other, if you know what I mean, but obsessed with getting away from everything. By getting away, I don't necessarily mean physically, though they do love going on spontaneous vacations without me. I mean they like to get away mentally. What I'm trying to say is my parents are always high, drunk, or asleep. My mother is good friends with a drug trafficker, so naturally, her and my father get first pick of the best "candies."

     With my, so called, parents always preoccupied with something seemingly more important than their own child, I had to learn to take care of, and entertain, myself. I didn't have many friends, nor any siblings, so I made up an imaginary friend. She was very much like me. She was tall, thin, and pale like me. There were only two differences between us. First, our names. My imaginary friend's name was Ebony Rasputin. The second difference between us was she had no face. There was only a pale blank layer of skin over a flat plane. Ebony had no eyes, no nose, no lips. 

     After some time of playing with Ebony, I forgot that she was imaginary. In fact, she seemed to be right by me physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I felt as if she was a real human being, or at least a humanoid. We would draw, play tag, hide n seek, all of the things I never thought I would ever do, I did with Ebony. She opened my eyes in the sense of the world and the people in it. I became much wiser and much more reserved than I even was before. I became skeptical of everything and everyone, even my parents. But never Ebony, she was the only one I trusted, and I trusted her with my life. She was my angel.

     She was my only friend, and the best friend anybody could ever ask for. We would stay up for hours and talk with each other about quite deep topics like the meaning of life, and stereotypically philosophical things. One of the topics we frequented was religion. We talked about all sorts of religions like Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and pretty much every other religion known to mankind. However, one religion that stood out to me was Satanism.

     I researched Satanism and it ended up being quite intriguing. It made me feel a sense of self assurance, which was nice considering every other aspect of my life was so shaky. Another thing that made me feel better was the thought of having someone who, in a sense, gives you power to do whatever you want. You gain so much confidence and such a great outlook on life. Doesn't that seem cool? An entity that is able to give you enough self assurance to rule the whole world if you wanted to. It's like having another father, in the sense of having someone to look up to and be inspired by; someone who was essentially your hero. This, for me, was amazing considering my parental situation. I started to believe in myself more. I didn't become more sociable, but I did have a sense of self. I knew what I wanted, and I knew I deserved it. I deserved everything, and believe me, what I wanted, I took.

     After discovering Satanism, I developed a narcissistic attitude, which I have maintained to this day. I started to realize things about myself. You could say I have a God Complex; I accept the fact that I do. I know that the only person that can fix this garbage world is me. Everyone is weak and stupid. They try too hard to do things that they are incapable of doing. Everybody tries to help everybody else--they try to tend to other peoples' gardens while failing to tend to their own. I'm not like that. The way I see it, I'm the only person in the world. If you're thinking I'm soulless, you'd be completely right. I don't really care how other people feel. People don't care about me, so why should I care about them, you know?

     Ebony and I stopped talking after a while. Why? I'm not really sure. It's not like I grew out of her, she was my best friend. She just stopped coming around as much. I didn't particularly care, I've always been used to being on my own as I have mentioned many times, though she was my best friend and the only one who seemed to care about me. It's not like my parents told me to stop thinking about her and hanging out with her, for all I know, they didn't even know about her, considering the fact they were always off in their own little world. 

    Through all of those times though, I felt as though her presence was still there. It was as if her thoughts were my thoughts. Of course, I conjured up her whole being, so of course I would be omniscient regarding her thought process. Essentially, having an imaginary friend just brought out the thoughts that were already deep in my mind. I kept relying on Satan as my hope and inspiration to keep pressing through in this rotten world. I started thinking about death. Not in a suicidal way; rather, homicidal. Sometimes on the days where I really connected with m'Lord, I even felt deicidal. All the memories of the times my parents shut the door in my face, rejected me over alcohol and drugs, it all made me want to get my revenge on them.

    Although I've said I'm soulless, I don't necessarily like to call myself selfish. I prefer the word resourceful. I'll use people to my advantage, then kick them to the dirt. It all goes back to my point of everyone is weak and everyone cares for other people too much. If they were like me, trust me, they'd be perfect.