Cat Center - Act 2 - THE BALLAD OF PANDORA CAT

For this act, the infamous spicy cat Pandora, queen of the Spicys, would like to share some thoughts of hers. When she wants to talk, you will listen. Won't you?

Okay, well! Looks like someone new has finally decided to be graced by my presence! It’s absurd how isolated I find myself currently, really. This cage, albeit spacious and filled with toys, a huge cat tree, and yummy meals, isn’t at all up to my standards. Some cats may be okay with dumpster-living, but I am not! Who am I, you ask? How silly a question, yet fitting for a being such as you humans!

 

 

This is me:

I am PANDORA!

 

You may call me Pandora, as I have no other title befitting of me. Massive ego, you say? My my, brave human! I’ve never met a long-legged slender thing such as yourself, so willing to accuse me of being foul! Why would you do such things? But eh, what does it matter. As you are here to partake in “social relations” with me, I see it accurate to proclaim you a hopelessly infatuated lover of mine. You wouldn’t be the first, and I shall say with pride every day that there’s an endless stream of adorers who will come to me!...

 

Well, except when they don’t. Sometimes I’m just here, existing. It’s a weird thing, existence. There aren’t enough hands to bite and scratch, and not enough faces to lovingly maul into bits… And I only do it because it’s who I am. My heart doesn’t beat unless I play with the hearts of everyone around me, you know? I gotta keep things interesting, after all! Some of the other long-time occupants of this Cat Lounge and Rescue Center love to play all shy and sweet-like with the humans. Do they really want a new home that bad? I mean, I find myself doing this a lot:

 

I mean, really? Why do my feelings of longing and sadness burst up to the surface whenever I see a family of humans? It’s not like the longing I’d get from watching the kittens here in the kitten lounge, those who love to wrestle and destroy each other until they’re too tuckered out! Those kinds of death battles would be amazing to partake in, by the way. I get all upset when I’m taken away from my fellow cats because I was being “too spicy” with them. If they can’t handle some extra savage teeth and claw then they ain’t worthy of my time anyways, you know?...

 

These humans, though, they get me going. I see them and I just wanna absolutely go ham. I mean I really want to rip them open and then lick their wounds! I want to claw off their fingers and then lovingly ask for head pats after! Is there something wrong with that? Of course, I know there ISN’T, but still… What is this? Why do I always see the families of humans giving more attention to the other “spicy” cats than to me?

 

Sometimes I ask the other Spicys what they do to get attention. They live in small cages across from me here in the kitten lounge. It’s rather embarrassing to be placed with all these minors everywhere! It’d be SO much fun to destroy them all in a game of tussle-and-annihilate, but I can’t! “We just act all kind and shy,” said one of my fellow Spicys. Think they were named Wasabi? Made me hungry, if anything… When I’m upset about these things, I just do what any self-respecting cat should.

 

I eat! What else? I get a whole heaping amount of kibbles every day, as I should! I actually deserve more licky-treats, factually-speaking! But whatever. Some people here just don’t get it. If they’re supposed to be working here, then they need to serve me like the slaves they are! Jeez… I get fired up from humans, I swear. I’m just a simple lady, here in my cage! Whenever I eat, I watch the kittens tear into each other and contemplate my future. Is that normal, to think of your future? I absolutely DESPISE it. Thing is, I can’t stop. Perhaps that’s part of why I keep busy by attacking people? Who knows. I just like having a focus, ya know?! But whatever. I need to finish my meal. One second. Don’t worry, you can wait. Maybe.

 

 

…

 

Okay. I’m back on the top of my castle. This is a nice place to do the best thing ever invented by life:

Sleeping.

 

It’s amazing how much I dominate the world and bask in my own wonderful glory in my dreams. I hate waking up because every time that happens, I have to face the real world! Like no thanks, you know? I’d rather be a goddess in my dreams, since I KNOW this world is too stupid to ever let me be one here!

 

Look. If I had a reason to leave this cat lounge, then I would take it. But I don’t. I have no clue what you want me to say, or what you want me to do, but… I’m not some happy little bout of Play-Doh that you can mold to your liking! I am Pandora, the best of my kind! That’s why I’m alone… I don’t need to have a “family” just to validate my existence! My fate is my own, ok? So if you aren’t here for that, then go. I don’t need some condescending jerk face in my cage! Castle. It’s a castle, not a cage…

…

 

It’s just frustrating when the only person who seems to really understand me around here is ME. Only I know how good a person I truly am, and everyone else just sees me as a spicy menace… Like why? It’s not fair! I am loveable, and I’m capable of getting some human family to fall in love with me terribly if I wanted to, but… I don’t. I just don’t. The outside world is weird, and I don’t care for it! I have lots of free service right here in this cat lounge, ok? I don’t need anything else!

 

Although this cage really is kinda stale some days…

 

…

 

 

Honestly, screw this. I’m done writing on this little iPad thing Play-Doh gave me. She’s gone now, living with humans, I think. Who cares. I don’t! Ya know? I just need some people to actually listen to me and understand my point of view, so... ugh! It bums me the heck out whenever I feel this way. I’d rather scratch and cut someone instead of dealing with how much they don’t care about my point of view. It’s stupid how much this world thinks only of itself and not the creatures that have to suffer from its terrible decision-making! Does anyone even care about my soul, or is it just my cut ear they see? Do they see my eyes for all the emotion they carry, or is it just all about my fluffiness and meows?

 

Christ! I can’t even ask any kitten or human to solve this enigma because they aren’t even capable! Sometimes I don’t even feel like a gosh darn cat, really. It’s like I’m some higher-level spirit, living in a forsaken, feline body forever. I’m serious, ya know? I heard a kitten say something odd once. It was something like, “Soy quien soy. Eso es todo.” What the freak kind of enchantment it was, I have no clue. But it sounded nice! You know? Probably means that everyone secretly bows down to me, PANDORA, and they are just too dumb to realize it! Yeah, that makes sense! That’s why I haven’t found someone who gets me yet! Everyone else is too dumb! I love that logic!...

 

I mean, that makes sense, right? I don’t have to continue worrying about if I’ll find someone who also loves to fight and claw and meow and love to death, right? I am the yin to my own yang, since I can fight myself and whoever comes near me! That’s all it is! Here in my castle, I am perfectly fine with the life I have. People look at me, and I act so friendly until someone at some point attempts to touch me. That is when I strike! Then I rub along them and take in their sweet human aromas and massages! That’s how it goes, and that’s fine by me! It’s what I deserve, after all!...

 

…

 

Before you go, just remember something. If you want…

 

Remember this:

 

Even if I act tough and mean, I may still cherish a pure heart when I find one.

 

So, please don’t forget me.

 

Please?

 

After all, I’m Pandora! You couldn’t forget me.

 

Right?