How To Survive A Mongolian Invasion Without A Horse

Humor, seriously, humor. No I'm serious, it's funny. Well, BBC funny not American funny, seriously though really.

I know what you're thinking. There are literally thousands of articles like this already! What else possibly is there to know about horseless defense against the Mongolian horde? But bare with me for a moment while I try to take you down a less traveled road. Most "How To" articles assume you have a large tribe with plenty of man-warriors that haven't left the women defenseless. They also assume you are dressed for battle and armed to the teeth as the menacing invaders are still far off.

 

But more often than not, your tribesman who are capable of defending your well-watered grasslands are off doing just that. And unless you are a mongolian woman, it is unlikely you are capable of weilding an iron scabard after crouching under your goats all morning collecting milk to make cheese curds (and that's the easiest of your chores). If you men are home, your horses are probably in the pasture and you've experienced that moment where you realize, "By the time my women finds my arrows and I get the saddle strapped on my steed, they'll have broken our first defenses and I'll still be here fiddling with my chest-plating!"

 

So with no further ado, I present to you the top ten ways to survive a Mongolian invasion without a horse!

 

10. Bob & Weave, Spin

Don't stand still in a defense stance as the warrior approaches. He will chop your head off. Trying to calculate time and distance is hard when your opponent is nearly six feet above you and charging. There are depth-perception issues here that you can't make mistakes with. You might want to try a bob & weave technique where you... bob, and weave. If that doesn't work, spin in circles with your blade at 10 o'clock.

 

9. Stay On Your Opponents Left

If a person who was captured by Mongolians and used as a dummy for archery practice survived to tell you about it, they would say a left-handed Mongolian is rare and these warriors don't rely to much on shields in close-proximity battles.

 

8. Jack A Horse

If you can circumvent the melee, you'll usually find a stray horse at the back of the charge who lost his rider. The bad news is you are in a dust storm kicked up by the charging horses and the de-mounted rider is somewhere nearby frantically searching for his horse and his dignity. The good news is he fell off the horse because someone shot an arrow into his neck making him much easier to subdue should you cross paths.

 

7. Learn Horse-Whispering

They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure but I say if you can prevent the horse from trampling your face three inches into the solid earth, who needs a cure? Learn the art of horse-whispering. It's starting to catch-on in the steppes. Then, while performing your bob & weave, look the advancing horse straight in the eye and do your stuff. If your good, the horse will stop in his tracks hurling his ghoulish rider over your head in clownish fashion. It's also good for a laugh with your tribe buddies.

 

6. Make Like A Shaman

Cover yourself in manure and push a bone through your nose. Wallah! You're a shaman! No one is more revered than a holy man. Slaughtering you would be considered taboo. No Mongolian wants to be labeled as "that guy".

 

5. I Ran Out Of Ideas

I really can't think of anything else... aside from running away. Everyone knows you can't survive a Mongolian invasion, especially without a horse. But you are welcome to post your own ideas in the review box, such as, "You forgot to mention the most important one! It's...(excessively loud throat yodelling?)

Author's Note

Typos? Totes!

Reviews

[Cupofwords]

What a wonderful article! You really knocked this one out of the park. Bravo! It could have been funnier though if you didn't write it while sitting at your cubicle at work. A black and white Apple inspired cubicle is no place for inspiration. But good job considering...