Rush

It was aimed to my forehead. The sunlight reflected off its silver metal. It was in her hand. It was in the little girl’s hand. The gun was in her hand. Her eyes, filled with fear. Her brown hair swayed at the corner of her face. I was lying down… on a field that I don’t remember seeing. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak, but I made out 3 words. “Don’t hurt me”

The little girl made a grumpy face and retrieved the gun. She stood and stared. I managed to sit myself on a big rock. My face oozed red, in an artistic style. She sat down beside me. Without a word. I glanced at her. She seemed like 5-7 years old. She walked up to a man, I didn’t notice until now, on the ground. “Wake up, Daddy… wake up!” she whaled as she shook him aggressively. She kept kicking him as she sobbed heavily. I wrapped myself round her as if it was a reflex reaction. The girl squirmed in my hands. “MOOMMYYYY!!” she screamed and sobbed. Her cry rattled through my brain knocking me over.

Suddenly it all flashed before my eyes. I drove my car slowly. A car speeded towards me. We crashed.

Did I kill her dad? Guilt surrounded my heart. I wasn’t sure what to do. I closed my eyes. I felt my heart blacken. “It wasn’t your fault. He was dead before the crash anyways” I heard her softly say behind me. I scrambled to my feet. The uncut long grass brushed against my legs as I walked to a higher ground. The day blazed past my mind with the lingering image of her dead dad. I could almost make out the city in the distance.

I heard fanatic laughter from behind me. I swiveled round to get a sickening sight of a group of hideous men. Some of them were armed dangerously. “We need to talk don’t we?!” one of them sniggered. Bandits. Soft hands yanked me down the hill; constantly glancing back at her dad. The wind calmly grazed on my cheeks. Their constant yelling in the background faded until they were whispers in the wind. We deserted the fields as we stumbled into a forest.

The trees whispered to each other as they waved to us. The car roared after us. “Over here” the girl panicked. The long scar on my leg ripped open. I could feel it every step I took towards the girl. I managed to curl up behind the bushes though my legs begged for mercy. The car stopped. They’re clunky steps clattered around the forest ground. Pacing closer. “Alright y’all, listen carefully for those b*****s, specially the lil’ one” growled the leader. He stalled right in front of us. Gazing our direction. I could almost feel him stare right through me. My throat dried out, urging me to cough. “Not now” I thought to myself. Sweat leaked down my neck. He turned round and they all returned back to the car. The engine coughed up waste gas and wheezed as they turned the corner.

The girl clothed me with her happiness. “Why were they after us?” I asked frustrated. Her smile faded while she fiddled with her shabby shirt. “They were looking for you because of the crash… but also looking for me… I’m one of them.” She presented me a letter and a tiny bag of white powder from her pocket. My eyes eagerly scanned the letter.

“dear police. I am 6 years old and my dad sells bad things with some other people. they slap me and stuff. sometimes my dad tries to burn me. my dad doesn’t love me. he killed mummy. I saw him shoot her. I can give you some of the bad things for the evidence. please save me. please.         Amira.”

I glared at the ‘white powder’ in her hand. I knew what it was now. I heaved the depressed girl up. I limped all the way to my car with my arm around her shoulder. Keys dangled in my car. I sat on the rock inhaling the sight of her dad’s breathless body. A soft hum of wind stroked past my shoulder, ruffling his hair. I turned my head to the girl for an explanation, “He had too much white powder.” I gave out a disappointed sigh.

“Come on… let’s go… I’ll start the car” I urged desperately. She walked over to her dad’s body and patted him on the head, “Sleep well you mean little…” she paused and took a deep breath. She stepped towards me. Suddenly she halted in shock. I heard the familiar sound of a gun from behind me. “Don’t move” thundered the voice, up my spine, through my brain… instantly paralyzing me.

We were imprisoned between two of them in the vehicle of misery. They gave us looks of frustration and anger with their brittle faces. I couldn’t bear the fear in Amira’s eyes. The door slammed behind us as they threw us into a wooden shed. It all felt like a dream. Like I was in a different world. How is this not a dream? I had a normal country life until I had to move to the city. “Aand am back here again” Amira sighed. I guess we’re stuck. The sense of helplessness was overwhelming. “We’re stuck so… What’s your name?” she began. “Oh yeah… we haven’t properly met. Am Shelly and you’re Amira” I remembered it from the letter. “That’s a cool name” she gasped.

The shed was dark and also damp in certain areas. It was slightly larger than the standard sheds. The air was suffocating. The walls were wooden, bare planks, which was rotting away. This shed is a paradise for certain. I proceeded to look through the key hole. Their car keys yelled out to me from the driver seat. The bandits were in their guest house a while away.

“Shelly... I found an axe”. We glanced at each other. The same thing ran through our brains. We exchanged grins.

Reviews

[Aya]

Hey, have read the chapter.
There were few questions as I read.
I like how you slowly unveiling the scene, the situation your MC is now. It's intriguing.
The little girl's age could be mentioned earlier, I think.
When describing MC it would be good to describe what MC is wearing and other details to give some hints of what gender it is. Till you mentioned the name I thought it was a male MC
"The girl sat down beside me." - why? if she is about to stand up and go to the body of her dad?
"she shook him aggressively" and next "she kept kicking" - so what exactly was going on?
Then the scene is a bit unclear :
MC sitting on a rock
Girl sat next to Mc
Girl went to dead body of her dad
Girl shook him/kicked him (so she was most likely standing?)
MC comes and wraps around crying girl
MC remembers the crash
The girl is talking behind MC -how do that happen?
MC scrambles to their feet-??? wasn't MC standing?

Layer on about the scar on MC's leg. It appears out of nowhere and what caused the scar? And what caused the scar now to rip open?
In few places it seems the little girl is mind reader :)
When they are caught by someone, there is no description about those who captured them and put them into a shed. When they travel in that car or whatever transport, what MC can see around? Can MC see which way are they traveling? How long they travel? Is it a bumpy road?
And I think the introduction could be put somewhere earlier in chapter.
It is just my opinion and you are not obliged to change anything in your story. I just shared my opinion and how I felt about your story. But I still hope it can help you to improve the story. Good luck. The story is really good. Keep at it. :D

[Christeena]

Thank you so much for the feedback. This ones very very old and it's kind of cringey to read haha, but thank you I'll keep that all in mind for the new story I'm writing.