On my Way to Beliveing.

I love him, and I never thought I would.

For years, I have been listening to this song, and the opening lyrics are “When I was younger I saw, my daddy cry, and curse at the wind.” And I can relate to those lyrics. When I was younger, I was about 9, my Dad cheated on my mum, and with the circumstances that my mum is in, it wasn’t good. My mum is disabled, she got hit off a motorbike when she was 17, and it’s left her disabled for life, and she suffers with severe depression. My dad made a fake Facebook account and started to chat up other women. My mum found this account one day, and my dad looked her square in the eye and simply said “I don’t think I can love you anymore.” I was in my room when this all happened. I came downstairs to find my dad sat in his computer chair, and my mum in the corner crying. My brother was 10 when this happened, and we both just stood there with complete confusion. Then my dad said to us so coldly and heartlessly “I can’t love your mother anymore” me and my brother didn’t know what to do. Time passed, my dad moved out, he tried to sort his life out. “He broke his own heart and I watched, as he tried to reassemble it” They are the next lyrics of the song. My mum took him back, and he moved back in on Christmas Eve. It was great to have my Dad back. “And my Mamma swore that she would never let herself forget”, she never will forget what happened. “And that was the day that I promised, I’d never sing of love, if it does not exist”. Ever since that day, I have never believed in love. At that age, I used to be in love with the idea of love, and my dad would always say that he loves my mum and that they’d be together forever. I have never believed in it since then, in love…or forever. Years went on, I was a teenager, still am, but it was when I was 16, he did it again. Only this time, he joined a dating website which people who are married join to cheat on their partners. My mum found it. I came home from sixth form to complete and utter silence in the living room, my mum was sat on the sofa, and my dad was sat on his computer char again. There was such a cold, emptiness in the atmosphere. My mum looked at me with a heart breaking look on her face and said “Me and your dad are getting a divorce.” I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what to do or say, I just sat there, and I felt a tear roll down my face, I looked at my dad with a complete look of disgust. I went to bed that night, and I could hear my parents talking downstairs, I couldn’t make out what they were saying though. The next morning, I came downstairs, my mum took him back again. I was speechless. How could she take back a man who cheated on her twice, broke her trust AGAIN and broke her heart? But at the end of the day, it’s her choice. “We’ve got to find other ways, to make it alone, or keep a straight face. And I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance.” Normally, girls my age would be in relationships, experiencing the teenage years. I tried to, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t. I had boyfriends, and I just couldn’t do it, because none of it was ever worth the risk “And up until now I have sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. Because none of it was ever worth the risk.” I’m 17 now going on 18, I’ve got a lot of living to do, and I’ve got a lot of time for myself. I started college, doing a course I like, and I was just stood at the bus stop this one time, I was messing around with my mates, and (as weird as it sounds) we were talking about hairy legs, and if the insides of a guy’s thigh is hairy or not. So I, (being quite confident when approaching people) went up to this one guy, and asked. He turned around and I glared at him, and I couldn’t help but...stare. He chuckled, and answered honestly to my question. He then asked my name, and we got talking. I sat next to him on the bus home, and we just kept talking. I got his number, added him on Facebook, and we chatted on there. I’d see him around college, and he’d randomly give me a hug. We got a bit friendlier, and after a couple of months, I stayed round his for the night. We talked, a lot, and I told him about what happed in the past with my parents. He kissed me, he hugged me, I never been so comfortable in my life. The night went on, we got closer, and we did ‘it’… a lot. “I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.” It almost felt unreal, that something like this was happening. I got wired feeling. The next morning I went home, and I couldn’t stop smiling. And I’ve been thinking about it, if I am feeling this way, and it feels legit, then, there could be something. It scares me, a lot, that I could be falling in love with him, and he may not be falling for me. The thought of love scared me completely, and I’d never thought I’d find it, because I didn’t believe in it. Slowly, I’m getting there. I’d never thought that one person can change your whole perspective on one thing, I didn’t know it could change you so much and make you feel like a whole new person. It still scares me, at this very moment, I am terrified, but I adore him, and there is no place I’d rather be than in his arms. I’m just a girl, a girl with no hope and a broken hearted family, and for someone to come along and make me feel like all of that doesn’t matter, and to make me feel like there is still hope, then I’m here, I’m his for the taking. The song ‘The Only Exception’ by ‘Paramore’ is the story of my life and I’m going to end this with the last lyrics of the song. “And I’m on my way to believing”.