Untitled #3

There is a valley that lies between us now 

in the bed where we sleep 

vast and barren 

trenches of pillows 

define a battlefield of sheets. 

Fingers like stray bullets 

infiltrating enemy ranks 

smooth caresses 

seeking a counter attack 

and on the battle rages 

as flesh finds its own.

Tangled masses 

fighting in the dead of night 

we only pull apart 

when the last cannon blows.

Retreating to familiar ground                   

Tending to our wondered

I lay awake and wonder 

who is the winner 

and

who was defeated?  

Reviews

[Chris]

Some "gulfs" grow all the larger as time continues - whether we want or let them or not ...sometimes.

Sexuality is a part of who we are and as we are. But ONLY a part and yet our actions and reactions define so much better than words ...HOW... we are.

[dan]

Crystal, Content? Great. But I've become such a fan of your writing because of the way you TWIST combinations of words and one word says "Hey!" I have my own meaning for TWISTED that is my literary term for writing a combination of words and the reader thinks, "Well, that word doesn't belong with THAT word, now....OH....noooowww I see it!!!" That is a very fine tuned talent that turns up the intensity on most of your fine writes. Please keep sending me RRs? Always enjoy your name in my RR queue. take care...dan

[Crystal Overmeyer-Birmingham]

Thanks Dan. Content: a couple that cant figure it out, yet loneliness of the night brings them together, but its more of a war that love

[Robert]

This is a very troubling read Crystal, It appears as this person is lost and cant find their happiness. But their is always happiness somewhere or someplace. I hope their is a happy ending to this piece.

[Julia Ledo]

The phrase smooth caresses throw me off a little. Where everything else has been a battlefield, the smooth caresses change the connotation of the stray bullet fingers and the counter attack. Mixed messages, and that's the overall feeling I seem to get. Everything is thrown into question, backtracking, uncertainty, and you really captured it quite well without even making it explicit in your wording. Just that one phrase makes the reader check back on the poem and look a bit deeper.

[Crystal Overmeyer-Birmingham]

Julia, I agree, Its confusing. These people are confused and hurt, seeking love, but never able to get out of the battle. seeking comfort from the apposing side in the war of self. I wanted it to seem a little confused and almost shell shocked

[Emily]

Love it!
I really like that first line!
Keep it up!

[AaronFreitas]

This doesn't sound like much fun my friend. I have been there and experienced that and it sucks 100%. It drags us down physically and mentally. Makes us question if we are doing things right. Are we loving the other person the right way. Am I good enough? That valley between you two can't feel any bigger than it already is. Excellent job explaining the feelings and being honest with the pain you feel. I hope it gets better Crystal... stay positive my friend :)

[Echoes of Eros]

I have lived in such a battlefield, and can relate so well to the pain and abandonment of your words. Vividly powerful and achingly breathed. xo

[Inject Positivity]

Feels like battle of love......I loved it from the start.....The use of words is quite brilliant and the way of describing the scenario is very catchy.....I loved the question it has for the reader in the last line.....Great job my frnd....

[terry smith]

depends upon the grounds of battle ....if it is over side of the bed or majority of blankets their can be no true loser...if it is over something more...their can be no winner....so i hope for the blanket scenario.:)