1. Woebegone

A look at where everything began many years ago.

  Baltimore 1807
 
 
 
This isn't the first time I've found my wife locked behind this solid wooden door, whispering strange words to no one. I've always been a man of science so things such as ghosts or "spirits", as Mary refers to them, is nothing but a bunch of nonsense to me. She hasn't been herself since we lost our unborn child four months ago. It's been a gradual fall down a dark hole of madness for my dear Mary. She used to be so full of love and a light as golden as her lovely hair.
I blame myself. I've become consumed in my work to avoid the hallow feeling of loss. We were certain it would be a girl. I'd never seen Mary so joyous and glowing as when we'd talk about who she would look like.  Now there is no talking. Only lonely mourning.
I had hoped as the weeks passed by Mary would come back to me and help me raise our three year old son. He often spends his time in my basement lab with me now.
"Mary?" I say softly as I tap my knuckles on the door.
The hallway is long and dark. It seems as though the life of the house itself left along with the light in Mary's eyes.
She doesn't answer but the whispering stops. After a few long moments pass, the door slowly cracks open. A cold chilling air leaks from the room behind her. She looks up at me with those teary brown eyes. Her sun touched hair has become dull and falls in loose waves down her shoulders. Her beauty is becoming muddled by her ashen complexion and the dark circles under her eyes. I wonder when her skin was last embraced by the sun.
"Samuel?" She asks as if she had not seen me in years and couldn't quite recognize my face.  
"I thought you might like to come down for dinnner." I speak softly as if talking to a frightened animal that could run away at any moment. She barely even sees me when she is looking right at me. As if shes looking through me.      "I'm just resting," She says without blinking. "I don't feel well today." Its her voice speaking the words but its from somewhere far away. A place I know I'll never be able to reach her.
I let out a sigh and nodded. Without another word she closed the door and I was left standing alone in the dark hallway of our home.
 
Sitting in my basement lab, I pinched the bridge of my nose in an attempt to ease away the oncoming headache that was forcing its way behind my eyes. I glanced down at the test tubes filled with various liquids of different colors. All meant to help with the many illnesses that currently plaque Baltimore but so far very little success with any cures. 
My dear son Jonathan sleeps on the cot I have set up for myself when I need to rest my eyes in between my many tasks. He looks so much like his mother. His golden curls cover his closed, tired eyes. His chest rises and falls slowly with his steady breathing.
The room was weakly lit with only a couple of lamps that are placed at my work table, illuminating all the vials of colorful liquids. The light of them danced on the dark stone walls making the dreary room seem like a more magical place. Mary used to find them to be beautiful. All I see it as now is my own jail cell that grows smaller with every day I don't succeed. 
My desk is pushed up against the wall at the bottom of the staircase. Papers scattered on and around it. A constant reminder of what a mess everything in my life had become.  I grabbed a handful of my notes and started to stack them neatly. I knew the sun will be rising in only a couple of hours and I had to meet with a doctor tomorrow morning about Mary's health but the least I can do tonight is accomplish some sort of structure to this madness.
 I was just finishing the first organized pile of notes when I heard a distant thump come from somewhere upstairs. I listened for a moment then heard another one. I looked to see my son still fast asleep and quickly made my way to the staircase. I reached the first floor and called out to my wife but received no answer. Only silence. The house felt colder than it ever had before. I feared the possibility of an intruder so I quietly made my way to the small desk by the front door and grabbed the dull knife I'd stashed there in case of such an event. I slowly made my way up the stairs one at a time, listening as carefully as I could but hearing nothing. I wanted to call out to her again but I knew I'd get no answer. Something was horribly wrong.
My heart hammered against my chest as I made my way closer to the room. I haven't been in it since Mary took it over. She would never allow me past the door. I dreaded what I might find in there. The door was still closed but to my surprise it was unlocked when I turned the ice cold handle. It creaked loudly as I opened it but I could hear nothing over the sound my heart thump thump thumping in my ears. My breathing halted as I listened harder. My eyes were slow to adjust to the darkness that consumed the room. There was a small oil lamp still glowing, barely, on the table next to the door as well as several candles in a strange circle on the floor in the center of the room. Half of them were no longer lit, laying on their sides,  as small lines of smoke rose from their dark wicks. My ears picked up on a sickening slurp sound as my eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness of the room. I walked closer now seeing two dark forms. One was lying on the floor. The other was hunched over it.
"Mary?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. The sound stopped. My eyes, now used to to the darkness, saw that one of the figures was Mary. My sweet Mary. Her eyes were wide and staring in my direction.  She didn't, however, look hurt. She was smiling with a strange look of satisfaction or relief. My confusion was quickly over run by horror and grief. Mary was dead. A small cry escaped my lips as the figure above her rose to stand straight. He looked very much like a young man. Taller and thinner than myself. Skin pale as the glow of the moon. Hair as black as night as were his strange clothes. But his eyes... his eyes were bright red. As red as the blood that dripped from his chin. He smiled at me, revealing sharp white fangs. I'd only heard of such things in stories. These blood drinking monsters. It killed my Mary.  
"V... Vampire..." I whispered. The monster's smile grew wider. Filled with rage, I gripped my dagger tight in my now sweaty hand. I charged at the beast but he didn't move. My dagger drove straight into the center of his chest and I froze in horror as he just continued to smile. I knew he would kill me too. I thought he would until he pushed the dagger further into his body and dragged it down a good inch, cutting himself open and making me sick. He wrapped his hand around my wrist that was gripping the dagger and pulled my wrist back, removing the dagger from his body. Blood pooled on the floor below him and he stumbled for only a moment.  My eyes turned to look at my dead wife and then back to the creature but he was gone. I looked in every direction but he was nowhere to be found. I ran to Mary's side and crouched down beside her, gently touching her face. Her skin was ice cold and pale. Blood covered the floor around her from where her neck had been cut open. I lifted her head and gently placed it in my lap.       "Mary," I whispered in her ear. "I'm sorry." My heart ached as the torment of loss and regret consumed it. I was alone. I was alone and our son would grow without a mother. I sat there for several minutes that felt like days whispering my sorrows into her unhearing ear, letting my tears fall upon her unfeeling face. My eyes glanced back to where the monster had been standing only minutes before. I focused on the blood that was staining the wooden floor boards. My head rose slowly as my thoughts raced with the sudden motivation of my new purpose. I must retrieve a sample of that blood. I must find and kill the monster. I would search nonstop until I found a way to destroy it. To destroy the creature that stole away the life of my dear Mary.

Reviews

[Alexander D]

A lot of what I write is my own opinion and I doubt that's any credibility. So... alter at your own risk?

On P.1 Line 8: "I had hoped as the weeks passed by Mary would come back to me and help me raise our three year old son."
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It seems necessary, but also my personal preference for there to be a comma after "by"
Change: -weeks passed by, Mary would come back-
Without the change, some may think the weeks are passing by Mary, on first glance anyway. So a break seems important.

On P.1 Line 12: "She doesn't answer but the whispering stops."
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I believe any change is unnecessary but I feel a comma would help.
Change: -She doesn't answer, but the whispering stops.-
Without the comma, some may not notice the change in pace and may read it as a monotonous piece.
Well... It's a short enough sentence to be able to grasp it as a whole before you read the first word, so that may not be true, but here's my thoughts on it anyway.

On P.1 Line 16: " "Samuel?" She asks as if she had not seen me in years and couldn't quite recognize my face."
Same thing, comma... though this time before "as". Necessary or not, up to you.
Change: " "Samuel?" She asks, as if she had not seen"

On P.1 Line 18: "As if shes looking through me."
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Grammatical error. I'll let you find it. Hint: It involves a pronoun.
There's also a sizable gap in text. I'm not sure if it's a technique or what but... yeah.

On P.1 Line 19: "Its her voice speaking the words but its from somewhere far away."
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There are two grammatical errors. "Its" and "its". They should both have apostrophes.
Also a personal preference of a comma after "words" but not a necessity I should think.
...
I'll stop adding "Personal preference commas" as I don't believe that most of them are necessary and might just be your style of writing, but comment if you would like to know of them and I'll comb through and write up another list.
...
On P.2 Lines 2 & 3 : "I glanced down at the test tubes filled with various liquids of different colors. All meant to help with the many illnesses that currently plaque Baltimore but so far very little success with any cures."
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I believe there should be a semicolon after "colors" as the reading appears to flow better, especially with an added comma after "Baltimore". Also, you misspelled "plague".
Change: -I glanced down at the test tubes filled with various liquids of different colors; all meant to help with the many illnesses that currently plague Baltimore, but so far very little success with any cures.-

On P.2 Line 4: "My dear son Jonathan sleeps on the cot I have set up for myself when I need to rest my eyes in between my many tasks."
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From what I understand of cots, one sleeps in them. As there is no mention of a blanket (which designates which term: on or in), I suppose it depends on your imagination.
But that's just a technicality.

On P.2 Lines 7 & 8: "The room was weakly lit with only a couple of lamps that are placed at my work table, illuminating all the vials of colorful liquids. The light of them danced on the dark stone walls making the dreary room seem like a more magical place."
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It's not so much a problem but a preference (not a comma).
I think another word could better replace "weakly", such as "poorly" or "dimly"
Also, I think "The light of them" could be replaced by "Their light"

On P.2 Lines 10 & 11: "My desk is pushed up against the wall at the bottom of the staircase. Papers scattered on and around it. A constant reminder of what a mess everything in my life had become."
-
Basically, a semicolon after "staircase", and a colon instead of a fullstop after "around it"
Change: -My desk is pushed up against the wall at the bottom of the staircase; papers scattered on and around it: a constant reminder of what a mess everything in my life had become.-

On P.2 Line 16: "I reached the first floor and called out to my wife but received no answer. Only silence."
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I'ts optional, but a colon after "answer", and with that in mind, I think a comma after "wife" would be a little more dramatic.
Change: -I reached the first floor and called out to my wife, but received no answer: only silence.-


On P.2 Lines 23 & 24: "It creaked loudly as I opened it but I could hear nothing over the sound my heart thump thump thumping in my ears."
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From "sound my heart" to "sound of my heart"
Also, an apostrophe after each thump, but I don't think it's a big issue.

On P.2 Lines 25 & 26: "There was a small oil lamp still glowing, barely, on the table next to the door as well as several candles in a strange circle on the floor in the center of the room."
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Perhaps it's just your style or just something I hate doing, but I think when you run into the situation where "barely" is, there is usually a better alternative. Along with my change, I'll be rearranging a few words and removing "still", removing two commas and adding a comma after "door".
Change: -There was a small oil lamp barely glowing on the table next to the door, as well as several candles in a strange circle on the floor in the center of the room.-
Writing it as "still glowing" would imply that it's running on empty and that he somehow knew it was running on empty, or that he's surprised that it's still running, but since he isn't allowed in the room, I find it unlikely.

And that's about it.

Anyway, I found it a good and interesting read. I'll be sure to read the following chapters and review.
I wonder what he's going to do with the vampire's blood. ^_^

[Aero]

I do really appreciate this. I have been out of writing for a long time. Definitely rusty. This helps big time and thank you for going into such great detail with the tips!

[Archos]

Nice introduction into the story. It's pretty well paced and my interest grew with the tension in the story. However, I think it could use some work with paragraphing. Overall good job!

[Barbara Tennyson]

In the absence of indents, double space between paragraphs. That's much easier on the reader.

[Aero]

Yeah I don't love the way this one looks right now. I started writing it on a different program and for some reason the spacing all changed when I moved it. Too lazy to fix it at the moment. Thank you though!

[McBear]

Very, very good. I loved the way that you worded things; very good grammar and deep imagery. I might end up reading all of the chapters. Overall, very good, very impressive.

~ Paramount c:

[Aero]

Thank you. My tiny ego thanks you too. =)

[McBear]

Hehe. c: I am glad I could help