Dispatches from a Sluggish Generation.

 

“

Now I’m outta school and I don’t have a job,

I just sit around all sweaty and lethargic,

And I’m just thinking’ ‘bout where it all wrong,

Why I can’t concentrate on anything but re-runs”

 --from “Pizza Day” by the Aquabats    

       On a Friday night, my friends and I planned to go out to dinner and watch Spiderman. When I arrived at Emily’s house, she was slumped on her couch playing Gameboy. She hadn’t even got up to answer the door; I let myself in. “Hey,” she said, her eyes not daring to flit away from the glowing screen. When Kellie didn’t arrive after two hours of watching Emily play, I decided to call her. It turned out Cheez- Its and America’s Next Top Model had distracted Kellie and beckoned her to the couch. “Well, hurry up; we’re waiting,” I said. Another hour passed before she finally crossed the threshold, Cheez- Its still in hand. By then, Emily and I were lying on her new sofa, watching a movie we found while surfing through the 915 channels.

       I suggested we rent Spiderman. “In a minute,” was the reply. Another hour passed and our movie ended. “Now?” I got the same response. Emily flipped through the channels and found James and the Giant Peach and decided that was good enough. Two hours later, Beetlejuice was good enough. It was easier than running out to the video store. That required getting up. Kellie suggested pizza (the restaurant idea completely vanquished), but no one wanted to get up to call, let alone answer the door thirty minutes later. Cheez- Its were good enough. Although it pains me to admit it, this is America’s future. Today, a single pandemic grips my generation: Laziness. Its sloth-like grip on America’s youth grows stronger each day.

       My generation relies on technology, and once- necessary skills are slowly dying. Home- cooked meals are rarer than ever. When a simple press of the button microwaves nearly anything, cooking is too hard. Even easier, pizza or fried chicken meals are available for delivery. Mowing the lawn is not the laborious task it used to be. What once involved pushing a back- breaking hunk of metal around a hundred square feet, now involves simply sitting in a gas- guzzling, polluting throne --complete with cup holder and cushioned, heated seat-- for about ten minutes. Sometimes even that is too much. In that case, we hire landscaping services. I was so proud when my mother taught me to knit, sew, and crochet, yet I realize that thirty years ago, these were necessary housewife skills-- nothing to be proud of. My friends’ utter disbelief when I tell them I made my scarf myself reiterates that these ancient skills are gradually fading. Why do it yourself when you can pay someone to do it for you cheaper and quicker? That’s my generation’s creed. Technology makes it easy to rely on someone or something else to do the work for you.

       The lethargy of my generation does not end in shortcutting. We avoid work at all costs, even if it means lowering standards. Anything is good enough if you’re lazy enough. Earning a “C” on an essay is a passing grade so why put the extra effort in for an “A” when gliding through the course is so easy? Eventually, the whole class is earning a “C” and that’s good enough, so the teacher grades on a curve and the whole class has an “A”. The students are happy to show their parents their grades, the parents are happy with their child, and the teacher is happy not to have to deal with angry parent phone calls. Everyone wins, right? But this lowering of standards seriously undermines my generation’s work ethic

       Because school has taught us that mediocrity is fine, we apply it to the rest of our lives. When we find a job that supports us financially, we stick with it, even if we’re unhappy. It’s easier than looking for a new job. It took so much effort to find that one. Still, some people never bother to find the first job and live as a parasite to society. They mooch off family members or government welfare and attribute their inability to concentrate on anything but I Love Lucy re- runs to their parents, their teachers, “the man,” or anything that pushes the blame onto someone else. We do the same thing in relationships. After years of testing the waters, we find someone who’s almost perfect . We marry because we figure the minor kinks will work themselves out. And who really cares if they don’t? At least we’re all settled down and can check that off our to- do list. It’s far simpler than getting out on the dating circuit again.

       Laziness leaves no aspect of our lives unscathed. Reports of obesity have reached epidemic numbers in the past five years. The imminent threat of heart disease and type- two diabetes doesn’t resonate to a generation that has been taught that their indolence has no consequence. We don’t exercise because it seems unnecessary. Anywhere you can walk to, there’s a subway or bus going the same way. Stairs? Forget about them. It’s all escalators and elevators. Even the insightful raccoon RJ from Dreamworks’ Over the Hedge points out “Humans use SUVs because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.” And sadly, he’s right. It’s all we can do to leave the comfort the couch to get a soda. In fact, some of the newest models of Laz-E-Boy recliners come with a refrigerator built into the arm rest. If it weren’t for nature calling, some of us would never leave the sofa.

       Emily, Kellie, and I certainly qualify as members of an idle generation. Even while I tried to fight it, my efforts were half- hearted and ultimately apathy set in. We are the sluggish generation. As much as I liked to say I don’t belong to this title, it’s clear I do, although thankfully, I’m not the one with the Laz- E- Boy E-cliner 3000. It’s depressing to say this is our future, but if we continue to loaf about, this is it: A nation of sluggards, each slower than the previous. My generation, true to its title, has gradually, languidly become the laziest to date.

 

 

 

Works Cited

The Aquabats. “Pizza Day.” Myths, Legends, and Other Amazing Adventures, Vol 2. Fearless Records, 2000.

Willis, Bruce, perf. Over the Hedge. Dir. Karey Kirkpatrick. Dreamworks, 2006.