Why Did He Leave?

I wrote this in sixth grade for a veteran's day assembly because one person in each elective was chosen to write something having to do with being in the army or navy and I was chosen for the choir elective and I was the only one who decided to have a new take of perspective on it and have it take place in a kid's point of view.

I can’t stand the thought of him being gone. My dad is dead. The thought keeps going through my head, like a movie I can’t forget.

“Come on Dylan, it’s time to go,” my mom calls from down the hall. I had been too upset last week to go to my dad’s funeral, so I had yet to go see where he was buried, that’s where we were about to go.

“One second,” I say though I know she didn’t hear me, I could faintly hear her footsteps getting quieter.

I quietly leave my room and go to my parent’s room, I go to their closet and grab my dad’s U.S Army camouflage shoes. Me and him had worn the same shoe size.

The shoes made me feel closer to my dad, on the toes of the shoes it said ‘Captain Welks.’ My father’s full name was Josh Tony Welks. He had told me last year on my twelfth birthday last year that once my feet were a little bigger I could have them, two weeks later he was deployed, never to return alive.

He was too close to a bomb explosion, his body was so badly hurt that they had to have a closed casket, or that’s what my mom told me anyways.

“What were you doing in my room?” my mom asks me. I just so happened to walk out of her room as she was walking down the hall towards mine to see what was taking me so long.

“Getting these,” I say, holding up the shoes. I could tell that an image of my dad passed through her mind when I held up the shoes.

“Okay, just don’t wear them today, it’s all muddy outside, and I don’t want you to ruin those shoes,” she tells me keeping her eyes on the shoes the whole time.

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Go get some shoes on.” She ignores my comment from before.

I go to my room and grab a pair of black and blue Adidas and put them on, on my way out of my room I grab some superglue, a picture of my dad and me that I had sitting on my dresser, and a mini American flag.

“Okay, I’m ready,” I say to my mom who is standing by the front door.

“What are those for?” she asks me noticing the things I’m carrying in my hands.

“You’ll see,” I say and walk out the door to our car.

We get to the cemetery five minutes later. With my things that I had brought in my hand I walk towards where I was told my dad’s grave was.

When I get there I open the superglue and put some on the back of the laminated picture that had been sitting on my dresser, after glue is all over the back I stick the picture on his grave marker by his name. Then I put glue on the side of the stick the flag is on and stick it on the left side of his grave marker. I look in my pocket and find a sharpie, I write on the flag ‘I will always miss you, -Dylan,’ and then go back to my mom’s car.

Reviews

[CC Faye]

I like how your writing style as if I'm actually listening to a story teller.
But one thing that was missing in this short story is how Dylan and his father's character development.
There are some clues pinpointed about Dylan's death, and that's good, but how can the readers detect the love between these two person if he doesn't tell how close they are in the start.

That's the only missing part : character development.
Overall every thing is good. Try to add some memories about Dylan spending time with his dad. That will give the story a little boost.
Right now, it seems like I'm just reading Dylan's daily everyday basis. And share something about the past few days how Dylan's dad suddenly died in a bomb explosion. It lacks of reason and past.
Keep working on it!

[Marcel Grant]

Good and honest descriptions here about the very gray days of a death in the family. I liked the mom a lot too, how she wasn't necessarily mean, but her lack of compassion showed how she was dealing with the death of her husband as well.

Dylan's numbness, no crying, no bringing up memories, was a good take as well. (though I'm not sure if it was intentional, that's how I read it)

CC Faye has a point that it does lack character development, but for a short story like this, where you just want to write out a scene that you think deserves attention, you don't expect too much.

Either way, I liked. =) I'll be checking around for more of your work!

[Kyline Freed]

Thanks Marcel Grant. I was trying to do the things about Dylan and his mom but I do realize I lack character development. I planning on editing this sometime in the future to fix this. Thanks for the review!

[kay writer]

this is deep. very well written. i am so sorry for your loss.

[Kyline Freed]

I think you misinterpreted my story, none of this has happened to me. That's why I had the info thing at the beginning of the story telling why I wrote this.

[kay writer]

cant believe i missed that. loved your story.

[Kyline Freed]

Lol, I had it in pretty small print so it makes sense that you missed it.