The Change(Chpt.1:1) The Lockdown

"Ding!" The bell rang for homeroom I was walking to my homeroom when I overheard two guys talking about something. "Did you get them?" one of whispers. "Yeah, lets just hope my dad don't notice there gone til' later." the other says while looking in his bag. I was standing 12 feet away from my locker. So I slam the door on it really hard to get there attention. I broke pens of the holders on it. "What are you guys talking about" while I walked toward them. "None of your damn business you wet back." one says.I knew these two they weren't good kids they because there drug addicts. Their names were Keith and Micheal. "Excuse me I was just asked you a simple question" I say with anger in my eyes. "Go f**k yourself" Micheal says. "Ok" while walking off my veins were showing. "S**t man that was close, if he fount out we would of been done for" Kineth says. As I walk in homeroom I took one last glance at them to while the door was shutting. "Your late Mr. Razo" Mrs Tipton says. "Sorry I was in the bathroom" I say while sitting at my desk. I opened my notebook and start finishing my poem i was writing, it was about not giving up. Ten minutes pass and suddenly I hear I loud gun shot. Everyone was screaming or frightened.I get out my seat not frightened. Walking toward the door to look to see. I look out the door two see two guys with a clown mask on and a gun in each of there hands. And someone laying on the ground in a puddle of blood. Then Ms. Love says on the announcements that we're in lock down and it wasn't a drill. Then I hear someone yell "GET DOWN!" I turn around seeing my friend with a gun yelling in anger. He says again "GET THE F**K DOWN!" Everyone got down with their hands on there head. I walk toward him unafraid and said "Why are you doing this? Your better then this." He says "I have no reason to explain it to you. I've never been your friend and never will be" That was like a bullet to my chest because he was my only friend in elementary.I started clinching my fist while my veins pop out of my arm. Remembering about my whole life how I've been treated and the last person I would think that would back stab me was him. I turn half around and a tear leaves my eye. He says "Aw poor baby is cring" c***s the gun and puts his finger on the trigger. I quickly hit his arm and pull the gun out of his hand. We got in a ruthless fight, we broke chairs, computer monitors, desks, and windows. I shattered the window when I crushed his skull in it. I constantly made him bleed. I put the gun in Mrs. Tiptons hand and say "Protect the class I'm going to stop them." She whipes her face while shaking her head ok. While walking to the door someone grabs my arm.

Author's Note

Chpt.1:1

Reviews

[Alskar]

Mm. I have to say, I practically had no idea what was going on, ever. Countless grammar and spelling errors, too. Plus you don't break it into paragraphs, or separate the dialogue out, which makes it both annoying and difficult to read. It seemed mostly an excuse to have guns and swearing than an actual piece of writing. Also, it's got cliches. 'Like a bullet to my chest'. There was hardly any punctuation too. If, like the comments below suggest, you want to make this into a book, I kid you not, there is masses of room for improvement. There is little sophistication or thought in this write. Is this even a full story, or a prologue? My advice is to learn the basics of writing before even attempting anything like a book. Learn how to paragraph, spell, how to use grammar correctly, how to develop and use characterization before you go near doing a book.

[MaddyHi]

OMG!! This is so good!! You spelt crying wrong but still!! This is really good. I could just see the braveness of you and how scared everybody must feel!! MORE!!!

[......]

OMG!!

i know you probally heard this a million times but this is an amzing piece of art!
your very brave you know that right!!! i may have had a scary child hood in my past and very bad things happened to me!! but nothing i have ever heard or ever seen or ever felt compares to this!!

♥

[Tasha]

Oh my goodness, please make this into a book it was so good. I loved the imagery. Wonderful piece.
♥ Ta'shandra

[Roxi L]

Pretty good. If your going to write this as a book put it as a book. This seems like a summery rather than a chapter.

Writing keeps the dream alive
~Roxi/V~

[deeps]

She whipes her face while shaking her head ok. I think you mean "wipes" instead of whipes. I love the detail and imagery. Awesome job!