A hundred ways to die during the apocalypse

These are rough drafts of the first two chapters for a story I'm experimenting with. I would really appreciate feedback, so I can grow and improve my writing style

A runner,an amnesiac, a scout, a recluse, and a monster. 

1-The runner 

Jones was running. Running from his problems, the scouts, and from the impending doom of the apocalypse. Of all the things he could be caught stealing, it had to be the month old dusty loaf of bread. The scouts were hot on his tail, as he crashed through various stands and people. He rounded a corner, crawled through a hole in a building, and ran through the building before exiting into the crowded street of the rundown city. He smiled smugly before bumping directly into a scout. The scout, who was rather tall, stared down at him before grabbing his arm. S**t. He escaped from her grasp and started running again. As he was making his escape from the authorities, he bumped into a girl wearing a cowboy hat, knocking them both to the ground. “Watch where you’re going” the girl exclaimed, as she picked herself off of the ground. “Sorry for the trouble.” Jones hurriedly exclaimed. “Yea, you’d better be sorry.”She mumbled gruffly. “Wait, where's my hat?” Jones had it hidden behind his back. Couldn’t  hurt to have a disguise. “No idea, keep your chin up and you’ll find it girly.” he said as he ran away. The girl kept shouting at him about her hat, but Jones had bigger fish to fry at that moment. 

Jones was a 17 year old boy. He was tall and had a build that (at least he would describe as) a mix between lanky and lean. He had light skin, and shaggy curly brown hair that fell in front of his eyes. He was used to running, he had been running for the past 3 years. It was the only thing he could do.It was the only choice he had. 

The world ended 3 years ago, when the world’s largest research lab dropped the ball majorly. They were studying the way the brain processes nightmares, when they “accidently” brought them to life. Eventually these living nightmares, nicknamed ghouls, escaped and starting turing people into their worst nightmares. Around 50% of the population was turned, and 25% was killed by ghouls. Now, if you weren’t a scout, dead, or some psychotic survivalist, you lived in the large faction like Center City. Jones was “one of the lucky ones” to have survived. But if you asked him, being dead sounded more appealing.

2-The amnesiac

Bebe’s mind was going a million miles a minute, but she couldn’t settle on a single thought. Of course, she didn’t have many thoughts to settle on. She sat there laying on her cot for a second, before sitting up and staring at the ground. On the ground lay two things: a cowboy hat and a 15th birthday card. They were incredibly important to her, but she couldn’t remember why.

Bebe had no memory of her life before about 6 months.  She woke up in the aisle of a convenience store, wearing  a bomber jacket that was 4 sizes too big, and a cowboy hat. Inside of the jacket was a birthday card that said ‘Happy 15th’ on the front and ‘Happy birthday Bebe - Dad.’ on the inside. No memories, no family, and no idea of how she got where she was. Hell, the only reason she knew her own name was because it was written on the card in her coat pocket. To add to the mystery, as a 15 year old girl, she had completely white hair. As if not knowing who you were before the world ended, she also looked like her grandmother. (Not that she would know what her grandmother looked like, or if she even had a grandmother for that matter).

She got dressed for the day and exited her hole in the wall(literally)home. She grabbed her backpack, moved the beaded curtain that covered the hole out of the way and set out for the day. She figured she would get some supplies, and then head back to her hole. Unluckily for her, fate would not be on her side that day. When she was walking through the crowded streets of center city, she was knocked down by a skinny teenage boy,who was running from scouts. He hit her like a truck and she fell to the ground, her hat falling from her head. “Watch where you’re going”, She berated the boy.  “Sorry for the trouble.” the boy said rather hastily, and Bebe couldn’t help but notice, that he kept glancing over his shoulder at a group of scouts coming toward them. She also couldn’t help but notice that her hat was missing, and the skinny boy was holding his hands suspiciously behind his back. “Wait, where's my hat?” she questioned him. “No idea, keep your chin up and you’ll find it girly.” he shouted as he ran away. Bebe wasn’t going to let him get away with stealing her hat. That hat could be the one of the only things that could help her find herself. She grabbed her backpack off of the dirty city street, and checked to make sure the boy hadn’t stolen anything else, and ran after him. She was so focused on chasing after the rather fast boy, she didn’t notice the scout following her out of the Center city.

Author's Note

Please ignore grammar problems, this is rough and I hate grammar.

Reviews

[New Yorkshire]

I really like the premise of your story (I'm a sucker for a good dystopian!). The idea that the nightmares came to life is inspired and I want to know more about it. Could you start the story with the destruction of the world? I really want to know what the nightmares (Ghouls) look like. Are they different for each person? How do they turn a person if they don't kill them?

I like the mystery of the scouts and what their role is in this society. They are clearly important, and dangerous, but I like that you haven't revealed exactly what they do.

I like the way you introduced the two characters and shared the moment of them meeting. I wonder if you don't really need to repeat the conversation between Jones and Bebe, but skip ahead to the last thing Jones said to her before he ran off?

I know you said to ignore the grammar, but it really does get tricky to read when you don't add a new line with the dialogue. I'm sure you know, but just in case, I thought I'd point it out.

Looking forward to see what you do with this story.