She Vol.1

Walking by a small group of guys I noticed my usual extra long-strided let the hips swing & fall where they may I'm in a rush walk, had quickly changed to a cuter stride. My first line came then...

Her hips make an infinity symbol when she strides,

Is it the truth?

That nothing lies behind those eyes?

When she was a child,

She could do anything she put her mind to,

Does she meditate on him then?

The man to finally jump-start the heart of her matter,

A reason to look forward,

To forget what had been,

It started with a few,

Then there were ten,

The men never stopped arriving,

Especially not back then,

Trampled and bruised, 

She entered her twenties,

Realized that adulthood had crept in,

While she was dozing,

In the beds of all her life's loves, 

Yet she had not found the love of her life

Author's Note

This is what I've got so far. All critiques and opinions are welcome. Please, take the time to tell me what you think.
Thanks for reading :) -Tamara

(short story in the dream stages...any suggestions teehee)

Reviews

[Andrew Wright]

I try to be as objective as possaible reading your description, ha.

I greatly enjoyed this piece as well, although I would say maybe to take another look at the second stanza - it's a tad fragmented, and it took me a second to understand the move from one train of thought to the next. I think the placement of "... surprise," makes me wonder for a second "what surprise?" until I go back down and come up. It's so close to the next thought, it seems almost tucked away - which, in creating more gear-turning from the audience, can also break the flow of the poem. I have a good book that talks about some of this, if you want to take a look at it.

As always, enjoy seeing you putting 'em out, and I'm looking forward to what you'll do next. Write on, love.

[Tamara (The Coy & Clear Poet)]

Thank you for the honest suggestions & the love. & I will definitely be borrowing that book. Don't forget it. Tee hee

[Sirius King]

very nice, i agree with Ees, sounds like the beginning of a story.I look forward to reading more :-)

[Ees]

Oh I hate how that life promised is so rarely able to find its way home.
I like the idea of walking, the movements made and how you describe them. Are we not all guilty of that? I don't know that it is a real lie, though. Ya know, it is just a way of showing that you are able to do it and that you are interested. I believe it is called "peacocking".

These two lines: "Now she's beginning,
To think it's now a surprise," threw me off. You may want to look them over and make sure that they read the way that you intended them to.

The third stanza from the end was an exciting twist to the poem. Well done there!

"They said said she can do anything," - you accidentally typed an extra "said" in there.

Interesting poem. It feels like the start to a story in a way.

Great job!

[Tamara (The Coy & Clear Poet)]

Again, thank you for the kick in the story direction. Unconquered fears & all.
Errors are what I get for not re-reading.
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much I appreciate feedback that I can use and explore or just research as a writer.