Sorry, We Couldn't Save Them

The piercing wail of the ambulance woken me up into reality. "I'm sorry, we couldn't save them" was the sentence that made me realize what an horrifying world we live in.

The piercing wail of the ambulance woke me up into reality. "I'm sorry, we couldn't save them", was the sentence that made me realize what a horrifying world we live in. Leaving a lonely child into the hands of a horrid person showed cruelty in the world.

"Honey, you'll be staying with your aunt from now on." a quiet voice explained. I looked up and saw a middle aged woman with blue eyes as majestic as the ocean and her blonde hair tied in a tight bun. She gave me a kind smile and led me to my aunt. 

"Adrianna!" my aunt said in a stern voice. I hesitated to walk to her. The nurse gave me a slight push to motivate me. "Adrianna! Come to me!" she yelled in a harsher tone. Her dull hazel eyes and commanding voice made me feel weak, as if I was on a battlefield facing an impossible foe. 

"No!" I yelled as I tried holding back my tears. I turned around and ran out the hospital doors, shocked about what I have just done. I heard a voice in the back of my head, telling me to turn around. It told me to turn around and forget all the wretched things my aunt did, but why would I turn around and let a women who betrayed my mother raise me? It seemed ridiculous and senseless to me. 

"Adrianna!" I heard the nurse yelled. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins, faster and faster each time I pumped my legs. I spotted an alleyway and hid behind the dirty, black trash bins. I wanted a place to escape reality to realize that this was all a dream. I sat down on the cold hard floor, slumped my shoulders, slouched and looked at the floor. I knew it wasn't a dream. I was just fooling myself.

Reviews

[Marie]

You've obviously edited this some, but it still needs work. A few suggestions:

"Leaving a lonely child into the hands of a horrid person showed cruelty in the word." Sounds bettter as: "Leaving a lonely child into the hands of a horrid person showed such cruelty."
"...made me feel(week){weak}..."
I spotted (a){an} alleyway..."

You seem to have a good idea here. I'll try to review some more of it, but I have a hard time getting this site to load and can't read as much as I would like to.

[Calypso]

Wow. You're going well on this one.

[Literatureandthemind]

Lately, people have been thinking the aunt literally stabbed her mother. Stabbing someone in the back means to betray someone. Hope we cleared up the confusion! Thanks for reading!

[Wendy Seames Garner]

1. "The piercing wail of the ambulance woken me up " - wouldn't woke be a better word?
2. "I'm sorry, we couldn't save them" was the sentence that made me realize what an horrifying world we live in. - You need a comma after them. Also "an" should be replaced with "a".
3. Leaving a lonely child into the hands of a horrid person showed cruelty in the word. Cruelty in the word? World? It is sad that they (?) died, but how was this handing a child over to a horrid person? Show what is going on.
4-."a middle-aged women with blond hair tied in a bun, and piercing blue eyes." Somehow this sentence seemed awkward to me when I read it. Maybe: a middle
aged woman with piercing blue eyes, her blond hair tied in a bun.
5."Her dull hazel eyes and her voice made me feel feeble. She made me feel like I was on a battle field, against something impossible to defeat." Do away with feeble, she is too young to feel feeble. Maybe: Her dull hazel eyes and commanding voice, made me feel as if I were on a battlefield, with an impossible foe.
6.'"Adrianna! Come to me!" she said in a harsher tone. ' I would probably put this sentence before the one about the hazel eyes.
7. '"No!" I yelled. Before I could think twice, I ran out the hospital doors.' Do away with the cliché. Example: "No!" I yelled and turned running out the hospital doors.
8. "I heard a voice in the back of my head telling me to turn around, to turn around and forget all the wretched things my aunt did." Maybe: I told myself to turn around and forget the things my aunt had done. Also - what kind of things had the aunt done? Show don't tell.
9. "How could I turn around and let a women who stabbed my mother in the back raise me? It seemed ridiculous and senseless to me." The aunt stabbed the mother? How come the police aren't aware of this? Did Adrianna try to tell anyone? Did the police try to talk to her to ask what had happened?
10. "I wanted a place to escape reality, and realize it was a a dream." This seems more like a nightmare than a dream. Maybe: I wanted a place to escape reality, it all seemed like a nightmare to me.
11: "I sat down on the cold hard floor, slumped my shoulders, slouched and looked at the floor." Awkward sounding, maybe: I slumped down to the cold hard floor, slouching my shoulders, I looked at the floor. This sounds better to me, but there is still something I don't like about the sentence, perhaps do away with the slouching.

You have a good idea for a story in your head. Pay attention to details. Go back and reread you story to yourself. Listen carefully, often times we read what we are thinking, not what is actually written down. I go back over my stories repeatedly and still miss things. When we are writing, our minds travel faster than our fingers can type. Good luck with your writing!

[Archia]

I didn't expect the aunt to of killed the mother. The first chapter and there's already a surprise! I really like that, it brings interest into the story and the best part to hook someone is the beginning. Just one thing; where you say "Her dull hazel eyes and her voice made me feel feeble" is it the aunt you are describing, or the nurse? Because if it's the aunt then you've already described her eyes as blue. If it's the nurse them nevermind, it's just that when I read it I thought it was the aunt because the nurse hadn't spoken and you were describing her voice. There's also a few typos here and there, but they're not big things or anything and can be easily found if read over. All in all, it's a good start, and the excitement has already been built up.

[Rainbow Girl]

I agree with Kiara. I really like that part. I love that you used very thorough details.

[Kiara]

I wanted a place to escape reality, and realize it was a a dream. I sat down on the cold hard floor, slumped my shoulders, slouched and looked at the floor. I knew it wasn't a dream.
I really liked this part. It made me feel like she was trying to lie to herself and tell herself that it was a dream and everything was actually okay, but she really knew that it was real. She just didn't want to believe it because it hurt her.