A Hellish Nightmare...

I’ve been so confused lately. I don’t know if I believe in God or not. I know there’s something out there, to not believe so would be futile. I find myself thinking that society has used religion to manipulate people into treating each other better, or to manipulate the population into being more manageable; which is why they often support religion.  But then I think, religion was even before society�"so doesn’t that mean society was created to influence right from wrong?

I think I’m using scientific excuses (not really excuses, seeing as they’re valid points) to shut religion out of my mind. I believe I’m only afraid to give up control over my emotions to a God, since I don’t like depending on other people to find an answer for me. So I’ve been thinking a lot about religion and why I feel the way I feel about it.

The other night I had an experience that scared the s**t out of me though. It was a nightmare. But, instead of me thrashing around and trying to run away from some unseen and unfelt fear, it was there. I was drifting off to sleep telling myself that if I was meant to believe in God, then something would turn me towards or away from it�"I realized I couldn’t keep searching and thinking about something that would eventually drive me insane. So I stopped worrying about where I fit in, simply trusting I’d be shown the way sooner or later.

Back to my “nightmare”. I was drifting off to sleep, and was propped up on some pillows. I started dreaming I was having a conversation with an elderly woman I knew, and she was sitting on the left side of the bed. My father’s mom was to the right of me; sitting in a chair and watching me sleep. Now, in most of my nightmares, I’m looking at myself. But in this nightmare, for once, I was actually looking out from my own body. Some sort of terrible white noise was coming from the electronics in the other room, and sparks and the glare of the flickering white was flying through the door on my right. I was talking to the elderly woman, and she just froze and started shaking her head no over and over again. She looked like she was crying, and so was my father’s mother.

Here’s where I almost s**t. Something pushed on my shoulders, laying me flat on the bed. I tried to move my arms or legs, and I couldn’t. It felt like my whole body was asleep, except it was more painful and I was stuck to the bed like glue. Then something pressed on top of me, on top of my whole body. It wasn’t like something in real life was lying on top of me�"it would have been focused in a certain area of my body. This was like a smothering blanket that weighed a thousand pounds. I’ve never felt anything like it. I tried screaming out or talking, asking for help, but it felt like I was sedated and my tongue just wouldn’t move. The only thing that came out was little grunts and broken sounds. The only thing I could think was “God help me.” And I never say that, because I simply didn’t think there was anything that could help me. After a few times of trying to say that, I thought to pinch myself awake, praying and hoping it was only a nightmare.

Finally I flung my arm over to my other side and pinched my forearm as hard as possible. Instantly, I awoke, and all those sensations were gone. I completely snapped out of it. I looked around, and my head was spinning, it felt like I was drunk. I had been pushed halfway down the bed. It felt like there was something in the room with me.

I tried to reason with myself, saying I hadn’t had a spiritual experience where something was trying to possess me�"maybe a car’s headlights shown in the window to my left, and reflected off the mirror on the other side of the room. It would have been a source of the odd flickering lights. Then I thought, well my foot can fall asleep. Maybe my whole body did.  Then I thought when I drifted off to sleep, my muscles must have loosened up, and I slid down the comforter a little bit. When I did that, the pillows pinched my head to my chest, making it hard to talk�"it’s hard to talk when you’re sleepy, anyways. I had also watched a whole bunch of paranormal movies about possession and stuff like that. It would have explained why the thought would have surfaced in my dreams.

Then I realized�"I had depended on God. By asking him to save me, I was accepting I had nothing left to do; I was helpless, powerless, without an outlet. And he did save me. He fought off the demons long enough for me to awaken myself so I had some sort of defense against them. I don’t know about this whole unconditional love and stuff like that, but I do know that something pulled me from that situation.

I’d had weird things like that happen to me when I was awake. I was in the shower, and that static or white noise sound randomly started blaring in one of my ears. I got freaked out and slapped my head, and it stopped. I was shaving my legs, and had dropped the razor I was so scared. So I bent down to pick up the razor, and when I did, the metal shelf holding the shampoo and soap fell on my head and almost killed me. I’ve also heard things say my name or tell me, ‘You’re going to love me’ right before falling asleep. I could always ignore it and make it go away when I was awake. I guess it’s different when you’re asleep.

So I’m really f*****g confused still, but at least I’m headed in the right direction. I think I’m also afraid of the small idea that if I devote my life to this God, and he’s not real in the end, I’ll look like a complete fool.

This also really doesn’t help with my sleeping disorder. I’m even more scared than before to fall asleep.