Anxiety and Depression

My counselor suggested I try to tell you what I'm feeling. Wtfe. Here ya go.

There’s just really no way I can describe it to where you will feel the full extent of the hurt and anxiety. But I can always try, right?

Think about the world ending. Planes are falling out of the sky, people are screaming. Fire is everywhere you look, buildings are falling and crashing into the city streets with loud BOOMS. You see mothers carrying dismembered children through the streets, begging for someone to help them, wondering who is in charge (if anyone) and why they would take their baby. The sky is turning dark… you think you’re safe, standing on the roof of your little country house, watching mushroom clouds of smoke billow into the air. But inside your home, your children are dead. Carbon Monoxide poisoning. You’ve called the ambulance, and whoever the hell else could even dream of helping, and they’re all dead. Besides, there are no roads anymore. It’s all lava. The river has boiled away, it’s steam. You smell tar, burned fish, burning trees… and you can’t do anything. Ashes start to fall out of the sky. Now, you’ve fallen, and you’re rolling down your roof, almost to the edge. Your shirt catches on a shingle. You’re safe. What a relief. But you’re frantic, you have no idea what to do… there’s nothing to hold on to, nothing to pull you up. Then you fall, and crash into the ground, breaking your back.

You can’t do a thing about it, either. No one knows that your spine is shattered. Would they even care? You can’t blink. Ashes, smoke, and sewage are surrounding you, clouding your eyes. The earth is splitting open in many places, and everything starts to drain. You’re still in the front yard, mangled. Your children are still dead in the house.

You won’t know my pain unless you try and imagine this is going on, okay?

Now think that your husband is running out of the house, screaming for the Lord he thinks is going to save him. He’s grabbing at his neck, but he isn’t choking. He’s behind you now. You can hear his grunts and struggles as he falls to the ground. He rolls over you, and your eyes can’t follow him�"you’re paralyzed and internally bleeding to death. There’s an oxygen tank right beside you. He’s out cold now, from carbon monoxide poisoning. And you can’t do a damned thing, can you? Now all your family is dead, the world is ending, and you get to sit on your perch, on this little country hill and watch it all. You can’t close your eyes, you have to watch it. The carbon monoxide is affecting you, but you’re too close to the ground for it to completely smother and kill you. But by god do you wish it would. It feels like an elephant is sitting on your lungs, and you wonder if they’re starting to shut down from the internal bleeding. Maybe they are. Maybe you’re going to die in the next few minutes, so you don’t have to hear and see this misery, but maybe you’re going to have to stay there and starve to death in the aftermath.

You don’t know at all. That’s the worst part. Being worried about what is going to happen, because you’ll never know if it will happen or not.

This is my anxiety and depression.

You feel like something so horrible and unimaginable as above said is going to happen, but you don’t know. You feel like you’re walking to your death bed, because you don’t know if you’re going to die or not. You sure feel like you’re going to die, and you want to die, but you don’t want to put anyone through that, so you rule it out.

You feel like a huge weight is on your chest, you can’t breathe most of the time. And every day, it feels like someone is taking fishing hooks and tearing your insides apart.

You get sick of everything, so sick that you make yourself throw up. But if you let anyone in your family know what’s going on, they’ll all freak out, get worried that you’re going to cut yourself again, and keep asking you if you’re going to be okay. Which only magnifies all the feelings. The feeling that some impending doom is in the near future, but you don’t know how near. The feeling that you’re dying, because you feel like it all the time, but you don’t really know if you are. You get sick of your house, and everything becomes a struggle for you. You have to persuade yourself to get out of bed and put on a smile. You feel guilty for feeling horrible about your life… your life is much better than anyone else’s, but you still feel horrible because you have to be put through this pain for no reason.

This is the best way to explain it.