Potato Jim's Day Off!

A story of why i wish i could break dance! No... wait.. thats a lie...

 

            Twas an autumn day and the children were at play, as Potato Jim sat and drank maple syrup from his wine glass.  “Hark, hark,” harkened he, “I tire of the simple life of a farmer, I wish to be a dancer at a Go-go bar!”

            He stood from his chair and went inside his little potato shack.  He grabbed a bag and began to fill the bag away with copious necessities.  He had potatoes, honey, bacon, snauzberries, and of course moose blood (which is where chocolate mousse comes from.  Where did you think it came from?).  After grabbing these items, he headed out the door.

            On his way out he yelled “YARR MATEY!” and everyone knows that when a potato farmer yells that out, he has forgotten something.  He looked left.  Then he looked right.  And then he looked up.  There it was his trusty hand shovel which he named John Travolta XII, because that’s obviously the best name for a shovel.  He picked it up and dug a hole.  Inside the hole there was a mole.  With the mole there was a letter.  The letter read, as follows

            “Excuse this fantastically hidden letter, but Sir. Potato Jim must attend to business in Pancreas-wood.  There is talk that there must be a new dancer at the Go-go bar, and we heard the harking, and kinda sorta came to the conclusion that ya wanna dance.  If you come, we have an offer that neither you nor John Travolta XII can refuse!

            Loving wishes, Nurse Joy”

            Potato Jim said to John “This sounds like a dangerous journey… we better bring the ukulele of… uh... magical… eh psychedelic… rhythms..?”  After he thought about bringing “The Ukulele of Magical Psychedelic Rhythms” he said “I think I made the whole ukulele idea up… I just wanted to be cool like you” (talking to his shovel of a friend).  John said nothing in response because he happens to be a shovel, and shovels, as a matter o’ fact, cannot talk.

            Their journey began in the Tulgy Wood.  As Potato Jim and John were walking, they heard a flutter of large wings, and the running of rather large feet.  A big green, dragon-like figure appeared wraith-like from yonder the bushes.  It came out with a shoe in its hand.  It was none other than the Tulgy Wood’s most feared monster.  The wicked, the green, the scaly, the giantness, the red eyed, sharp clawed, teeth, and dressed… Jabberwock!  Holding its hand out, he said in a terribly Evil Kenevil voice, “Spare a cup of tea.”  This frightened Potato Jim so much that he ran south, right out of the Tulgy Wood with his tail between his legs.  I did mention he had a Tiger tail, right?

            Panting and only 75% of the way there he yelled “I’M BORED.”  Yelling this out was not smart, for this was the spooky little village of Not-loud-ton.  Just noticing this, he cuffed his hands over his mouth and whispered “Heh-heh, what I meant to say was ‘I’m bored’.”

            The people of Not-loud-ton were disappointed at the loud mouth intruder that they now called “Loud Steven”.  The mayor stepped out of his gingerbread house, and whispered “you almost ruined our game of sit silently”.  Potato Jim did not like this town or its strange antics.  He was so infuriated that he threw John Travolta XII at a house and then proceeded to eat the house.  The townspeople stared at him in awe.  One person almost vomited, because it was so very… well… un-quite.

            Munch chew munch “Hark, hark” Potato Jim harkened with a mouth full of house; “I shall take my shoe and throw it at you and begin to leap with joy.  For you see, I don’t like ye and ye do not like me; I have known you would eat a tree”.

            These poor townspeople were now enraged.  They had heard the horrid rhymes of Potato Jim and began to sob in a whisper.  The tip-toed to their sharp farming tools grabbed a sharp tool of some sort and began the quiet riot against the dreadfully loud and unpleasantly bad poems of Loud Steven.

            Potato Jim noticed the group of people with sharp tools and he yelped loudly and rushed into some spooky woods.  Panting once again, he took John Travolta XII and said “In all honesty, I have no idea where we are going, and I fear my poetry is as bad as sperm whale bacon”.  As usual John replied with the blank stare of a shovel.  Potato Jim said “I feel as if you are the only one who understands me sometimes John, thanks pal”.

            The wood they had entered was none other than the spooky Pancreas-wood.  Potato Jim armed himself with John for protection.  As they walked farther into the wood, they saw light.  This meant that some sort of civilization was close by!  That, or it was some kids playing flashlight tag, but I very much doubt it.  As Potato Jim and John got closer, they heard talking.  It was Pancreas-town!

            Potato Jim looked around for the closest Go-go bar, and found it.  He went into the building and kicked the manger’s door down.  He proceeded to shout about how he wanted a job. The manager introduced himself as Sally.  In her- I mean his scruffy old feministic voice, he said, “Joo vant youself a yaab as a Yo-yo yancer?”

            When Sally (the man) said this, Potato Jim was so overwhelmed with joy that he began to projectile vomit rainbows in every direction.  “Hark, hark… yes!”  He was as happy as a little school girl.

            The only thing that Potato Jim did not know was that the initiation to become a Go-go dancer was to hunt a Werewolf.  Just as soon as he figured this out, he heard a bowel shifting howl.  The howl made his flesh crawl, his bones tingle, and well… his bladder burst.  He then saw the werewolf sprinting towards him with a look of lunacy on its face.  It just came towards him like peas in a p- oh wait… wrong analogy.  Like… cold molasses… just faster… it came running toward him like fast cold molasses.

            Potato Jim got ready for a ninja battle between potato farmer and werewolf.  He jumped into the air like lickedy-split, yelling “I’M A NINJA!!! FEAR ME N00B!!”

            Potato Jim never saw light again, for he was in the now in the bowel of a werewolf.

-The end

The moral of the story is to… lose weight… I’m pretty sure it is at least.  Yeah… it must be…

Reviews

[Frances O'Neill]

Great story! I laughed 'til I cried....I lied!

Parts I liked, "Panting only 75% of the way he cried, "I'm Bored.""

"His trusty hand shovel which he named John Travolta X11" as he talks to it all

the way on his journey.

"they bagin to sob in a whisper." There are a lot more, but I don't have time to list

them.

[*Kantola*]

I saw a spelling error! I thought it was spelt "Snozzberries" O_o... THE SNOZZBERRIES TASTE LIKE SNOZZBERRIES! *licks the windshield* I had to 'lol' when I saw that the letter was from nurse joy :P
What an interesting story! Interesting in a good way! It had a silly plot, and reminded me of a children's book. I see how you tried to keep your comments throughout the whole book to keep it silly, or hilarious.
I just love that moral... it has so much to do with the plot. Fantastic job with this super silly story!
JABBERWOCKS RULE!

[Puja]

this was a great story.
i was smiling and chuckling the whole way through.
very nice word choice and story telling.

[Cortney Lynn]

:D see, this story easily could define bencovino. ya never know! i enjoyed it, i was either smilling or giggling the whole time.

[Vanessa]

The language in this is so nice. Andit was rather funny at parts. But still, I could tell that you knew what you were doing.

Sometimes, even if someone is just messing around, things can come out to be kickass.
Like this. Even if you weren't messing around.

--Vanessa Alyse